Still so sad, how do you deal with grief?

[1wokeuplikethis]

My best friend died just before Christmas and I still think of her every day but it's not a happy way to think of her, it's sadness still. I miss her. I am still freshly shocked that she has gone. I think about her casket at her funeral and can't quite comprehend how it's possible she was really in there. I look at photos of her and read our old messages.

I saw her on her deathbed and she was so weak. She didn't want me to go but she needed to sleep and we cuddled and I kissed her head and told her I love her and that was the last time I saw her.

One of the songs played at her funeral came on the radio today and it knocked the wind out of me. How is it possible she isn't here any more? She was 31. Life is so short and so unpredictable. I'm so lucky to be here and have what I have with my children and husband.

I really miss her. I knew she was going to die and knew I would miss her but it's hard to still feel so sad about it all. She was so vibrant.

This is my first real experience of death of someone close. It's that weird stage where it hasn't 'just' happened, so people aren't sympathetic (they would be if I spoke to them about how I'm feeling and how much I miss her) but there's nothing that can be said to make it any easier or any better. So whilst there is of course a point in talking about her, because she was incredible, there is no point in talking about how i feel because nothing can make me feel better about it.

I feel like I am rambling now, but it's just so bloody cruel and pointless to have lost her.

How do you deal with grief?

[nevisbump]

One day at a time. You will get days where you hear a song or remember something and it will be hard but try to focus on the good times you had together. I don't believe the pain will go but it will become easier over time

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Oh I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could sit here and say it gets easier but I honestly don't think it does. People with the best will kindness and intentions lie to you. I lost my dad just over a year ago and my mum almost 3 years ago. Yet here I am sat in tears. It's still as raw as ever. It's like a physical ache really ,isn't it.
Oh all that's not to say you won't have your good days though. Like Nevis says The only thing you can do is to take one day at a time. Don't be afraid to cry and shout and be angry and please take comfort in the knowledge that you were there for your friend.
My love and thoughts are with you.
God bless.

[Singlenotsingle]

Sad that she was only 31 Iwokeuplikethis . It's particularly poignant when someone dies young with all that life unlived. I miss my DS who died 4 years ago, aged 58. We thought she was too young. It will get better, little by little. It just takes time.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Single

[EveningShadows]

I’m 4 years on from losing my best friend and it does get a little easier to cope as time passes - the grief isn’t as raw and visceral as it was in the early days. I still miss her dreadfully, but the miss is different.

It’s such a hard loss - we thought we’d grow old together and that she would outlive my dh. I lost her at 43.

[kelper]

I had this when I was 17, my good friend died and apart from and uncle it was the first death I had experienced.
It took probably a year before I actually believed she was gone. Even now, 20 odd years later, I can remember the day she died crystal clear.
Unfortunately my DSs friend died a few months ago at the same age, and its been so sad watching all her friends try to deal with it, a very unexpected death of a beautiful girl.
You learn to live with it. It hurts like hell, but eventually the shock fades, and you can remember your friend without that pain.
Write it down. Write letters to her. And one day it doesn't hurt quite as much. I'm sorry for your loss xxx

[Ohyesiam]

I was 25 when my first husband died in an accident. The grief was overwhelming. One of the things it felt like was that I hadn’t finished communicating with him, so I got a notebook and wrote loads to him. It helped so much.
He was an incredible person,And at the back of the notebook I wrote a list of his amazing qualities, and kept adding to it.
That was27 years ago , and my first experience with death. I know it’s a cliche but time does take the pain away to a great extent.
I like literature, and Auden’s poem Stop All The Clocks really encapsulated how I felt, and helped me feel less alone.

[PandaG]

I'm.sorry for your loss. I haven't had a friend die young, but my mum died 4 years ago. I paid for counselling to help me process the grief, starting about 9 months after her death. Articles on the radio, telly programmes, all sorts of strange things remind me of her on a regular basis, and I am still sideswiped by grief sometimes, but for me the counselling really helped.

[Thisimmortalcurl]

I’m not really sure apart from life does and has to go on. The loss becomes slightly less raw but still painful when songs or memories bring it all rushing back.
I actually think much like you said that a year or so down the line is one of the hardest times. For me and that time I was just about accepting that the person I had lost was actually gone but others around me although sympathetic in there mind a longish time had past . It can feel very lonely.
There was though a change at some point when I could think of them and smile, not cry but just smile for the memories we had and not the injustices of the life cut short.
Much love to you.

[Freyanna]

My best friend died 19 years ago in a car accident.

Coincidentally, I was looking at photos of her daughters before I came on here.

Her younger daughter looks just like her.

I will never get over her death, so young, and missing out on her daughter's growing up.

Some deaths hit you really hard and I'll always feel so sad she is gone, she was truly irreplaceable.

[1wokeuplikethis]

Thank you or your responses and sorry for your losses too. I'd say something better than that but as we have addressed, there's nothing really that can be said to make someone feel better when grieving.

I don't want to forget her, I never will. But I don't want to always think of her with such sadness because she would hate that, and she doesn't deserve to be thought of sadly, if that makes sense.

I just can't get past the sadness yet. I've deliberately not met up with another close friend again because we would always meet up together as a threesome, but with just two of us there it was like a gaping hole was beside us. It's too much.

I miss her funny texts and gifs and Facebook posts. I don't know anyone else like her.
I talk to her sometimes. I tell her I miss her. But to be quite honest, the easiest thing to do (which I'm not proud of) is to make an effort NOT to think about her. Because when I do I end up down this pit.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Iwokeuplikethis.
Sometimes you do have to be numb to it though because like I say it tears you apart.
That however is far far far more easier said than done.

[littlecabbage]

It is still such early days for you and I think it must be harder when the person you have lost was so young.

Don't feel bad for sometimes making an effort to not think about her. I did this sometimes after losing my Dad 18m ago. Having a "break" from the grief was necessary for me.

[8FencingWire]

I read somewhere that grief is just love with nowhere to go.
So sorry for your loss

[HSRPsychology]

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Grief is natural and can take years to process a bereavement fully. Be strong and carry on!

[KTD27]

I lost a very very good friend 7 years ago when he was 38 and his son was 6 weeks old. His wife then passed away 3 years later. It’s some of the most raw grief I’ve ever experienced and I miss them both constantly.
I read this and loved it. I’ve posted it before I think but it really spoke to me. It’s from a reddit thread on something similar:

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

[ParkheadParadise]

How do you deal with grief

I wish I knew.
What you are feeling is normal.

[1wokeuplikethis]

KTD27 that is beautiful, thank you xx