How to explain a death of a grandparent to a 5 yo...

[SpookyMadMummy]

My best friend sadly lost her mother last night after a long battle with cancer.
She has a 5 yo ds, and is struggling to find the words to tell him.
I had a look for the hand and glove story but I can't find it! can anyone help with it or have any suggestions?
TIA XX

[feetheart]

I'm not sure who posted it originally but I thought it was so good that I kept a copy. HTH

Explaining death to a 3 year old

I put my hand in a glove (well actually a sock cos I couldn't find a glove) and wiggled my fingers

I said "this is you, the glove is your body. When you die you leave your body behind" I kept wiggling my fingers as I took them out of the glove to keep his attention on my hand and laid the glove down. "so the bit that is you I call your spirit and that keeps going on" mad swoops with hand to make him laugh "but you have left your body behind because you don't need it anymore"

[handlemecarefully]

Is her ds at least not partially prepared for this given that grandma has been ill?

We lost FIL in March after 6 months in hospital. I had forewarned dd (4.10) that he might die and when he did I just told her directly. She took on this information pretty well.

The hand in glove analogy sounds quite helpful though

[MuminBrum]

There is a lovely children's book about a little girl who loses her grandfather - your friend might find that helpful? Granpa

[SpookyMadMummy]

Unfortunately not. Shes a mother who shields her sons from as much as possible. Tbh I don't know if her ds even knew grandma was ill. Her 19 yo ds understands obv, but she is concerned about the little one.
She wanted to leave it till spring bank to tell her ds, but I reminded her he is a clever little boy and will ask questions.
I have gently told her over the last few weeks that she has to stop shielding them so much and set them free to be individuals.

[elsieanjoanne]

nanny gone to heaven/special garden/ she still watching us an listening if you want to talk to her!
i worked in a nursery an we had a four year old come in he said my mom been crying my grandad died he said it so casually, i think this is because they dont understand perhaps planting a plant thats her fav might help as its still a very young age! my condolences

[Aloha]

My dad died before Christmas after his car was hit by a drunk driver. I had to tell my five year old ds. I just sat down and cuddled him and said something like:

"Darling, I have something very sad to tell you. Grandpa had a big accident in his car and it damaged his body so much much that his heart didn't work any more. He went to the hospital and the doctors tried to mend it, but they couldn't make him better and he died. It is sad because we won't be able to see him any more and I know we will all miss him." And then I sort of let him absorb it for a bit, and he was very shocked and his first reaction was to burst into tears and then say, 'You shouldn't have told me that! You only said that to make me sad'. So I said, 'I'm sorry you feel sad. We all feel sad when someone dies. He loved you very much and was so proud of you, and you will always remember him, even though we can't see him any more because he is dead."

Then ds went away and drew lots of pictures of people and hearts quite intently for a while. He didn't want to discuss it any more at first, but we have talked about it since and I told him how his Grandpa had his picture on his mobile phone to show everyone, and that he was very proud of him, and pointed out that even though he was now dead, we inherit things from our grandparents, so his green eyes were inherited from him, so parts of you live in in your family after you have gone. Ds found that quite interesting!
Children are staggering resilient about this sort of thing IMO.
I think you friend should be very clear about what actually happened - ie 'Nana has a very special sort of illness called cancer which made her very poorly. The doctors tried to make her better, but in the end they couldn't and she died."
She should emphasise that it was nothing to do with her ds, that it was a special sort of illness that he doesn't have, and that he won't see his grandmother again, as some children don't really understand that it is final.

[BettySpaghetti]

I've lost both Grandmothers in the last 2 yrs, my DD was 5 and 7 at the time.

When I told her about them dying I made it very clear that they had been very ill and that they were also very old. I was also very clear that illness doesn't always mean death (in case she later worried that anyone who was ill would die)and that they had had lovely long lives, had wonderful times with children, granchildren and had been extra lucky in having Great Grandchildren (ie. my DD and DS).

She was upset briefly but accepted it and still talks about them.

[Aloha]

I don't believe in spirits that go on btw.

I am very wary of telling children that their granmother is still around in ghost form, listening to them as I think some might find it scary and confusing, though I accept some might find it comforting, if that is what you really, honestly believe.
IME thinking about telling them and worrying about it is worse than actually doing it. I suspect she is trying to protect herself from a nasty task even more than she is trying to protect her ds. He will have to know sometime.

[handlemecarefully]

Fwiw I think you handled telling your ds beautifully Aloha. Just sorry that you had to...

[handlemecarefully]

Dd sometimes says things like 'grandad is making it rain - I wish he would stop it now.'...and then she will address the sky "Stop making it rain grandad!!'

Or she will tell me that he has spoken to her about something or other.

It's quite touching really

Hopefully your friend's ds will have the positive resolution that most of the children mentioned here have

[SpookyMadMummy]

thank you HMC, Thank you all. I will pass on the ideas/tips and sensible advice from you all

[Tinker]

My mum died last weekend. I've had to tell my 10 year old (my 2 year old is too young) I know 10 is different but I've just been straight and we talk about my mum as much as possible. I told her she coudl talk to her granny (not as in a ghost way) so that she can get her feelings out. I also suggested she write a letter - not to post but really just as exercises to get out the grief. I also have done as Aloha has, explained about the bits we all inherit and how we're all stardust really. I do believe in being straight with kids though. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

[Aloha]

I absolutely dreaded telling ds, and wasn't sure if I should wait until a 'better' time - ie school holidays/after Christmas, but I though things were really odd at home and I didn't want to have to lie to him and pretend things were Ok when they weren't.
One thing I have to say it, tell the school/childminder anyone who cares for your child. They are likely to be quite angry and badly behaved for a little while afterwards, or sad, and it will help if the school staff know and can be helpful. My dh forgot to tell ds's teacher when he dropped him off, and when I went to pick him up later that day they looked quite horrified at how 'badly behaved' and 'aggressive' he had been. They didn't realise he was grieving. That was a big mistake and I was cross with dh!

[Aloha]

Or rather, tell your friend to do this!

Some children like to do a little 'saying goodbye' ritual at home when someone dies. It really isn't my ds's thing though. I suggested it to him, and he said, 'how can I say goodbye to him? He's dead!'. I said, 'well you can say goodbye in your mind', but actually I thought, 'Erm, you are absolutely right'.

[Tinker]

Yes, I sent a letter to her school asking her teacher to keep an eye on her. He took her outside to chat to her and her dinner lady gave her a hug.

[Aloha]

Very sensible. I should have done that. It didn't occur to me that dh wouldnt' say anything!

[elliott]

I think the best thing is to be yourself and explain death in the way that you understand it. My mum died last year, also after being ill with cancer. I just tried to tell the children (then aged 2.5 and 4.5) as honestly as I could. Ds1 did not show much emotion (well not much appropriate emotion anyway, he kept on saying 'I'm happy happy happy' which perhaps was a way of trying to say that he wasn't as upset as we were, or perhaps that he had strange feelings that he couldn't quite explain) but we have had lots of questions and discussions since. I had already told them that she was ill and might die, and they were around me and dh all the time when she was dying and at the funeral, so not much hope of shielding them from anything. Its sometimes hard though, because after all its really difficult to explain the finality of death (well for me anyway, I don't believe in god or spirits). So when we go to the grave for example I get questions about whether 'granny is now in her skeleton' and I have to try and explain that its not really granny there any more, just her body. We kind of stress the 'she was very old and very ill' to try and reassure them that not everyone is about to die - but now when we meet elderly friends or relatives ds2 has been known to remark 'I think they might die soon...!'

[elliott]

We also talk quite a lot about how grandpa is coping, that he is sad because he is having to live on his own now ('and do all his own cooking'!) I have to say I didn't do anything very specific about rituals or goodbyes or even pictures - probably too bound up in my own grief, and frankly, I have to say that it was much less big a deal for the children than for me - I think sometimes we can overegg the 'dealing with the children' issue (depends on how close they are clearly - for us, the relationship was warm but we didn't see her more than every few months - I think they were much more likely to be affected by my emotions than by actually missing granny) I try to keep her memory alive (more for my sake than theirs I thinkg) - I always mention when we play with things that granny gave us though, and when we last went to the grave ds1 happily made some grass 'decorations' for granny. I know he misses her a lot less than I do though!