How to set boundaries with my grieving friend?

[FlouncingFairyTights]

Hi there,

This is a very difficult post to write and I hope I don't some how come across wrong.

My good friend lost her partner a few months ago. They were incredibly close/did everything together.

She has since started replacing his support with mine. She messages throughout the whole day, if I don't reply she uses another form of contact etc and sometimes rings the home phone early in the morning.

I have two children, depression, three jobs and a husband of my own. So I am finding that as time goes on, her dependence on me in causing some real problems for me

I am completely supportive and understanding of what an awful situation she is going through - I can't begin to imagine. But I'm struggling with a sense of suffocating a bit. I simply can't continue to be there for her as much as she would like me to be.

I can't afford the continued loss of work time, the neglect of my children and partner etc that is already happening. However, she is quite manipulative and guilt-inducing. I don't for a minute think she is doing this deliberately - but the result on me is the same.

She has limited close friends and unhelpful family support. But I can't continue to carry the burden of being her sole supporter.

Can anyone please offer me some advice on how I could manage the situation without causing even more upset on her part?

Thank you in advance. And please, please, don't judge me for being unkind. I've dropped everything to support her, spent money I don't have and done as much as I psychically can. She is also coming to stay with us for a month or so in the summer. I'm struggling to meet my own needs as well as hers and it's starting to cause issues with my own mental health conditions and family etc.

[Mookatron]

Honestly, I don't have any advice and I hope somebody with some comes along soon. I just wanted to say you don't sound horrible or selfish and you do need to think of yourself and your own family too. Are you in contact with her other close friends even if there aren't many? Can you get in touch and ask them for help?

[Aridane]

Can you proactively put her in touch with bereavement counselling services - ie rather than a 'have you thought about bereavement counselling?', get her the details and try to see she phones and makes an appointment?

It's very difficult.

[FlouncingFairyTights]

Thank you both so much for your responses and for your understanding!

I have put her in touch with Cruse, and the Samaritans, whom she made a point of telling me she "had been forced to ring" on a day I'd been unavailable.

It's so difficult to draw a line when someone needs you isn't it? I'm a natural carer too so I desperately want to help and I know that I'm the only person she feels really comfortable talking to.

[Noqonterf]

Put her in touch with WAY (widowed and young for under 50's) or WAY UP for the over 50's. There's lots of people there in the same situation and they offer loads of online support and local /national meet ups.

[lapetitesiren]

You could try some small boundaries. Perhaps explain that it's difficult to text/ talk in the mornings and arrange a conversation at a certain time, varying it each day so you don't create a dependancy. Perhaps agree she will just send you a quick good morning text on the pretext of reassuring you she's ok but actually just so she feels someone's there for her. Just respond with a one liner or a smily face. Something like, hope you get to x appointment ok. Speak to you at 5. You could reduce things back to a level you can manage without hurting her feelings. What a good friend you are. It will get easier for her and your support will have helped get her through.

[Rosielily]

The following website is a very useful resource, which you could tell her about.

www.merrywidow.me.uk

Also, does she use Facebook? There are a lot of bereavement groups there and she might find one which suits her needs.

As a previous poster said, the WAY organisation will provide great support too, if she is under 50?

Hope this helps.

[VienneseFingers]

This might be a ridiculous suggestion, but could you join a club together- go with her and help her make some new friends.

Obviously it's not your responsibility, but it would be a nice thing to do.

I don't think you are selfish at all.

[DewDropsonKittens]

I would have a sit down with her, explain how much you care for her and suggest a set time each day or every other day where you can speak on the phone

[Dermymc]

I think you sound lovely.

Could you say that work have noticed your on the phone a lot so you can contact her during work hours?

Does she have other friends or things to do? It sounds like she could do with something to occupy her time.

[youngnomore]

This may seem a bit harsh. But why don’t you just not answer EVERY message or answer EVERY phone call. Ween her off slowly. If she says anything then I would explain to her in the best way possible. That you’re struggling too and need some space.

[LuckyBitches]

OP you sound very kind and caring, but you're being swamped. I would feel similar to you in your position. I agree with youngnomore, you can set boundaries gradually if you're a non-confrontational type. She phones you in the morning - I have a similar dynamic with my Dad's wife (he has dementia), so now my phone goes off from 9.00 pm to 8.00 am. Otherwise I'd get phone calls at 4.00 am and my anxiety will go through the roof. Sometimes you have to push people away a bit for your own wellbeing. You're not obliged to be on call for her, and sooner or later she's going to have to realise this. Could you agree something regular (such as weekly coffee), but limit contact to that? That way you could have your space, and she gets regular support which might make her feel more secure.

[bimbobaggins]

Op you do sound as though you have been a lovely caring friend but it’s being detrimental to your own health and family.
I would as gently as I can be honest with her. Tell her you are neglecting your own family and you can’t afford time off work etc. There is nothing wrong with putting your own family’s needs at the top of your list.
The fact that she says ‘ she was forced to’ do something because you weren’t available is very telling.
Why is she coming to stay with you for a month?

[Timeforabiscuit]

Arrange future dates to do stuff with your friend, and then prioritise what you need. If you're already struggling with a full plate this is doubly important.

Id also keep a list of pre thought statements, it can be difficult when your put on the spot, so if you dont feel like talking - im really tired, ill call you after 5pm tomorrow.

[ZenNudist]

I think just be straight but gentle with her. 1) dont answer her if she calls at inconvenient times.
2) dont feel obliged to call back
3) tell her you cant do x or y if you are working "im sorry but i have no more leave or overtime left, im not available "
4) tell her when you will speak to her " cant chat right now im helping ds with honework / making tea / about to have a bath / just sat down after a real full on day and im exhausted.... i will speak you ... and say when"
5) make quality time for her once a week. This is a big commitment. I see my good friends very infrequently. If you can see her on one night have that as a fixture.
6) suggest she gets a routine and options for each night so she is clear that there are 6 other nights you cant do
7) make a plan for something lovely together a way off when she is feeling bit better, a trip, afternoon tea, a concert, a spa day whatever
It says "im commited to our friendship" and say its nice to have things she can look forward to
8) pick up leaflets for classes and activities you think she might like. It sounds like she doesnt want to be alone but you are busy and have famiky and work commitments
9) think about what you would expect in her situation to empathise but also set boundaries and dont overreach/ do too much.

[Brittanyspears]

Be firm but kind. Don't call her back but perhaps send a text saying something like "can't talk now (don't explain) but will call you blah blah" when you know you have some spare time. Stay strictly to this time. Very difficult situation, you are being a great friend, but you must look after yourself or you will be no help to anyone.