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Three years tomorrow

(15 Posts)
willstarttomorrow Thu 30-Nov-17 00:00:34

Just that. 3 years tomorrow since DH died suddenly. I am in the best place I have been since his death having suffered PTSD and delayed and complicated grief. I think I am posting just to acknowledge it, until very recently time stood still and it could have been yesterday. I miss him madly but I am very proud DD and I have survived and now I am managing a life that is a bit more than just surviving. Also it is a big date for us but life has more than moved on for every one else and last year I found it incredibly hard no one remembered. I discovered mumsnet when DH died, did not really post but it distracted me. I know I am rambling on a bit, the crux of it is I am proud, sad, missing him and not sure where to go with that so posting it here!

123rd Thu 30-Nov-17 00:08:06

Hey Will. Sorry that you are dealing with this. Well done to you & your dd for getting thru it

picklemepopcorn Thu 30-Nov-17 00:08:24

Well done to you and DD. You are survivors. thanks

MrsPJ Thu 30-Nov-17 00:18:53

Well done! You’ve been through so much. It’s a hard time of year for you and your DD. Sending you ❤️

willstarttomorrow Thu 30-Nov-17 00:32:46

Thank you all. It is shit and like every one in this situation we had a life forced upon us we did not choose or want. We all get on with it because we have to but I can honestly say to anyone out there facing this at some point it does feel slightly hopeful again. It may not be in the timescales you want (or people expect ) and you will have a day, week or month that floors you out of the blue. But loving someone leaves you open to that. I would choose love every time.

Wollstonecraft1 Thu 30-Nov-17 00:37:40

Would you like to tell us about your DH? I have found that people sometimes don’t know how to mention a dead loved one in case they say the wrong thing. How old is your DD?

Kahlua4me Thu 30-Nov-17 00:41:26

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss.

I completely agree with you, I would choose love every time too, even though though the pain of loss is unbearable at times.

My lovely mum died 2.5 years ago and I still have times where I miss her as though it was yesterday. She died in an accident and the shock was huge.

Life does move on because that is just how it is, and we only have one chance at it. The path may not be the one we thought we were on and for a while I felt I had lost the path completely but slowly it does right itself and carry on.

willstarttomorrow Thu 30-Nov-17 00:59:02

DD is 11 now, 8 when DH died. The last year was tough, I work in a very challenging job and DD (as I knew she would, as I work in this area) started to grieve as she hit puberty. Also work was shit and demanded loads of me which is harder as a single parent. No family within 5 hours drive, my dad died this year after a horrible terminal illness. However we have got through it and have settled onto a life as 2 (it took some adjustment). She and DH were thick as thieves! His work pattern meant he was a very present dad. Standing joke as I tried to get out in the morning and they were driving me mad was 'stop having fun, mummy hates fun'! Not true, but bloody hell they liked to wind me up. When he died the quietness in the morning was one of the biggest punches. DH was my rock, the only person I needed when he died but obviously not there. At dad's funeral last month I suddenly had a massive need for DH to stand next to me and hold me. Just that physical contact and unconditional love. It was not perfect and it is easy to idolise a dead person, however when he died we had just got to such a good point in our lives, financially, as parents and as a couple.

willstarttomorrow Thu 30-Nov-17 01:17:11

Kahlua- I am sorry for your loss. Please be kind yourself.

picklemepopcorn Thu 30-Nov-17 07:33:47

That sounds like a lovely relationship between the three of you. I love to see genuine loving teasing in families. Somehow it highlights the strength of the bond, that everyone is safe with each other, and known.

I'm sorry about your dad, too. That must have been very hard, to grieve one while still missing the other.

Icouldbeknitting Thu 30-Nov-17 11:59:18

Thank you for posting. I'm at the start of this journey and although I tell DS that things will get better and we will find our way back to a new normal I don't always believe that myself. We had also just reached the best stage in our relationship for maybe the last fifteen years and we were planning on the next big change which was DS leaving for uni next year. We still have a future, just not a future I'd ever imagined.

Kahlua4me Thu 30-Nov-17 20:15:18

Hello, how has your day been? I hope you have been kind to yourselves.
Do you have real life support to help you both?

It sounds as though you had a lovely relationship and that will help you to grieve and adjust. I don’t believe in closure, only that you slowly learn to live on a different path.

I am sorry to hear your loss too icouldbeknitting, life is so tough at times that it’s hard to believe. I think you have to take small steps and keep talking about your feelings, both of you.

The counsellor from Cruse explained it to me as the grief being a tennis ball that falls into the pint glass of your life. At the point of impact, it fills your glass with no room to move or breathe. Over time your glass grows as life, events and experiences cause it to grow and expand.
Your grief will not change size but it’s impact on your day to day life decreases.

I hope that makes sense to you....

echt Sat 02-Dec-17 01:36:04

thanks for you, will. It's 17 months since my DH died, also suddenly. I recognise the PTSD, though never diagnosed. In my case the extreme heightened sensitivity to noise/sound, the endless mental replaying of finding him.

thanks to you too, Kahlua.

willstarttomorrow Sat 02-Dec-17 23:03:43

Thanks all. As it turned out the actual day was okay. A very lovely friend needed to come and chill (she has been diagnosed with life limiting illness recently). I do not think she realised what day it was but knew I was off work and called asking to come around. So we lit the fire, all just lay around, watched movies and ate crap! DH's perfect day! Day at a time folks. Xxx

willstarttomorrow Sat 02-Dec-17 23:13:21

Couldbeknitting lots of love to you and DS. No advice however I now understand that 'a day at a time' is actually not twee, hot air nonsense!

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