Grieving for my dad.

[anna231a]

My dad died 12 months ago.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 14, over 40 years ago. It was an angry, bitter divorce due to my dad's infidelity. I loved my dad - I remember a man with a dry sense of humour who loved maths and science and cricket and spent hours with me making things, explaining things, doing things.

After the divorce I would love to have carried on seeing my dad and I know he tried to see me, but there was a lot of control and pressure from my mum and her sister for me not to have anything to do with him. For instance my aunt told me that if I did so she wouldn't have anything to do with me ever again.

About 15 years ago dad got in touch with me. He was living in a different part of the country and had recently remarried. We started to write to each other regularly, spoke on the phone, and met up. I kept all this from my mum - I didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her angry.

He died unexpectedly 12 months ago. He didn't have a funeral - apparently he had discussed previously that he wanted to be sent direct to the crematorium with no ceremony, service or people present, and then his ashes buried in his garden. Which is what, as far as I know happened (although my mum says I'm stupid to believe that and that "they" just didn't want me at the funeral).

So, I'm left feeling that I have no-one to talk to about my grief. My mum knows he died but her attitude is one of bitterness at the past. I don't have any real relationship with his ex-wife (I suppose she's my step-mother but that's in name only). I feel I didn't have any chance to say goodbye, no-one who I can share memories with, no-one to re-evaluate the past. I 'd like to find some way of remembering/commemorating/closing a chapter, but I don't know what. Suggestions, advice etc. welcome.

[passmethegunandaskmeagain]

I'm sorry, that's a horrible situation.
Whilst you have no current relationship with your dad's widow maybe she'd like to hear your memories of him. The characteristics you describe are probably part of the reason she married him. Perhaps sharing memories with her could lead to some closure? If your mum's side of the family is so closed off to discussion then I don't see there are many options.

[shhhfastasleep]

Thank you for introducing us to your Dad. He sounds like an interesting and complicated person that you mourn in silence for.
I miss both my parents and I would feel so sad if I couldn’t talk about them to anyone.