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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

How to support my friend for the second time

15 replies

HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 08/10/2017 20:31

I've typed and deleted this op several times today because I feel like I could be outing her and I don't want that but I just don't know where else to turn.
My dear, dear friend's dc3 has died. Her dc1 died less than a year ago.
It's just so devastating and I don't know what to do.
I want to go and see her but I know she's had a lot of people in and out all day so I don't want to add to that.
I want to make it better but I know I can't so what do I do?
I'm absolutely gutted for them all.

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BeardyDog8371 · 08/10/2017 20:34

All you can do is be there for your friend.

I would pop round and tell her that you're always here for her. Hug her, comfort her. Cook her some food and take it round. Check her and her family are eating properly. Also make sure to comfort her children and partner.

You should definitely pop round because if you don't, your friend might resent the fact you didn't in the months to come.

I am so sorry that your friend is having to go through this OP

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HumphreyCobblers · 08/10/2017 20:36

You just have to be there for her.

How unbelievably awful, I am so very sorry.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 08/10/2017 20:40

Thank you for such a quick reply.
I did all of the things you suggest after her dc1 died and it just seems so wrong that I'm thinking 'what helped last time that I can do again?'. It's just so wrong that she's dealing with this again.
I feel like she's been bombarded with visitors today but maybe that's of some comfort to her. I just can't bear the thought of her having to re-tell it over and over again.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 08/10/2017 20:43

Humphrey - yes, I will be there for her 100%
It is so awful

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echt · 09/10/2017 07:34

If you're worried about "bombarding" her, keep it brief, but follow up quickly, and keep coming back. It's the coming back that matters so much.

You sound like such good friend.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 09/10/2017 11:02

Thanks for the reply.
I've made her a cottage pie this morning and just been to buy some tubs of soup so will pop round after work with them. I feel if I have something to hand over, she can just take it and send me on my way rather than feel obliged to invite me in (which she more than likely would do anyway but I should be able to gauge from her face whether that's the right thing or not).
I just can't believe she's dealing with this again. It's so utterly utterly shit.

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echt · 09/10/2017 11:13

Food is good. I can still taste the fab meatballs my NDN bought round, and the lovely Thai pumpkin soup from a colleague. You're right, it's a moment when you can show support and love, and know what's the right thing to do that allows the bereaved to make that decision.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 09/10/2017 11:47

Thank you for your reply, echt

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 15/10/2017 11:20

The last week has felt like a month.
I just can't get my head around what has happened to this family and for various reasons I'm so worried I'm not doing enough for my friend.
I just wish I had a magic wand to fix this

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CMH123 · 21/10/2017 17:24

How have the last few days been OP?
You need to look after yourself too.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 22/10/2017 06:33

Thanks for asking, CMH.
The last few days have been so tough. My friend seems so confused and anxious. She's asking me for help making decisions for the funeral and I'm so terrified I'll tell her the wrong thing.

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Bloodybridget · 23/10/2017 02:20

Hiccup, if your friend is turning to you for help, it's because she trusts you. Try to put aside your fear of getting it wrong, and trust that your own kindness and wisdom, your love for your friend and her family will guide you to get it right. It's a terrible thing to have to plan a funeral for a child/young person, but I think in the end the small details won't be so critical. Your friend is probably feeling paralysed by grief and shock so may just need you to make some decisions for her, hard though that is for you.

I am so very sorry for all of you. You are doing a wonderful thing for your friend.

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 23/10/2017 09:12

Thank you, Bridget.
There is so much support on this board and I appreciate all the advice everyone is offering.

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/11/2017 21:47

Sending hugs

It's very very hard to support someone in such a tragic time . I think you are clearly a super friend and she wouldn't ask for advice on the funeral if she didn't value you
Such a harrowing loss . It's just impossible to imagine

Can I say get yourself some support and a place to vent too . Sometimes supporting people in this situation can take a lot out of you too . I hope that makes sense

Just keep doing what you are doing and I am so so so sorry for her . There reallly are no words

You are a good friend

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HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 09/11/2017 17:37

Thank you for your post, stop.
I completely understand what you are saying. I am finding life, in general, pretty difficult at the moment but then feel so guilty when I think about what my friend is going through.
I still can't believe this has actually happened. It's nearly 5 weeks and it feels no more real today than it did the day it happened.