Why don't I deserve it

[Sosks]

I posted in here a few weeks ago as my beautiful son Henry was stillborn on Aug 26th. Thank you again for all the lovely replies on there.

It was Henry's funeral on Thursday and it's hitting me even harder now as I will never get to see him again. I can't stop thinking, why didn't I deserve to keep my son?

There are abusive, nasty and drug addict parents that don't give two shits about their children and yet they manage to give birth to healthy child after healthy child.

This was my first pregnancy and first child and it would just have to be that he had multiple genetic conditions. We fought so hard for him, loved him every step of the way and we weren't even granted two minutes of his life and yet there are people in the world who are battering their kids and somehow they're more worthy parents than us.

I just feel so heartbroken. Not just that we've lost our son but if his conditions are inherited we may never have our own kids. I just don't know what I've done to deserve this.

[3littlebadgers]

I'm so sorry, I remember your other thread and I've been thinking of you and little Henry.

I like you, would have loved my little dd so much (I still do) I would have done everything in my power to let her know she was loved and safe.

I am sure you did deserve to keep him, the pain you are in now is testament to that live you have for him and I so very much wish that he could have stayed.

My husband is from a different culture and religion to mine. Our grief followed very different paths but he said something that I grasped onto with both hands because it brought me so much comfort at the time.

He said that sometimes when there are parents with so much love in their hearts, a love which lasts eternally, they will have a precious child who gets taken away for a short while so that in the next life they can be with the for eternity just as they were. He said it was just like waiting. And so waiting I am.

I hope it brings you some comfort too. We are all different and it may or may not but I will continue to think of you both and hope that the days are gentle for you.

[minmooch]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your darling Henry. You loved him and it's not fair that he is not here with you where he belongs.

There is just no fairness in who gets to have children, keep their children. I thought I was lucky, had two darling sons. Then my identical twin girls were still born. Then my eldest son was diagnosed with a brain tumour and died. I am still lucky that I have my youngest but I live in fear that he too will be taken from me.

Some people endure so much and there is no fairness in any ofit.

Be gentle on yourself, it's so very early days for you.

[gingerbreadmam]

I remember talking to you a little while ago.

what you are feeling is very normal undee the circumstances. I felt the same. Why me. i'm a good person. People even said it to me you don't deserve it. And they're right. we absolutely don't.

On the plus side,medicine is a magnificent thing. Even nature. I always thought about druggies and alcoholics that breeze through pregnancy and have babies. even people that are so blase about pregnancy yet seem to have it easy and a good outcome but looking into that deeper it proves its nothing we have done and having a baby can be easy and maybe one day it will be for us.

I see you mentioned genetic conditions, have you been referred for genetic counselling? Hopefully they're is something they can do for you going forward.

A new baby will never replace your son or at least thats how i feel but it may bring you some much deserved happiness.

Are you getting any support in real life for your loss? attending sands groups after mine was really very helpful and i wished i'd done it sooner.

so sorry you are going through this

[Sosks]

Thanks for your responses. Sorry that I've taken so long to respond myself, it's been a tough few days, my co-worker just gave birth to her baby. We were due not even 2 weeks apart and she didn't even want to have kids

So sorry to hear of your losses @minmooch, I can't imagine how strong you must be

We've been in close contact with the genetic counsellor at our hospital for a long time, not much has been said about the future for us though. We were entered into a genetic study to get access to a full genetics test as his karyotype was normal and we're to see the results from that soon I think. They said we'd get them after Henry was born so possibly at the 6 week appointment where they'll go over the post-mortem results etc.

We've both got lots of support but in a way it doesn't really make it much easier, it can't bring him back. I've considered the sands group
here but I don't really feel comfortable with a group set up. I do have my own counsellor through work though. They previously extended the number of sessions because of the difficult pregnancy and HR have just authorised more sessions (our HR lady is wonderful).

One thing that does help is that we have two very lovely and affectionate cats. Whilst they're in no way actual children, they're still loving being treated as such and it takes the edge off the pain a little. They're also enjoying being able to lay on my belly again

Just feels so unfair, you know. We fought and fought and did everything we could to give Henry every chance possible and then there are others that completely take for granted a perfectly healthy baby and treat them like crap. What I would give to be able to have held Henry alive in my arms for 5 minutes, even 30 seconds, and then there are people that are so hateful to the kids they are so lucky to have. I hate seeing the posts here on MN that are like 'I don't like my child' 'I want to put my child into care cos he misbehaves'. It's utterly ridiculous and so selfish. I'm always tempted to comment that I'll take care of their kid if they feel that way I have so much love to give to a child one day, I just hope I get there.

[gingerbreadmam]

sosks i could almost write your post word for word.

my son was diagnosed with an issue at his 20 week scan. it was quite severe but only a physical thing but for 7 weeks i did everything i could in preparation for a poorly baby then he was cruely taken away.

Noone will ever know the pain of seeing your beautiful baby not breathing or moving or opening their eyes or clasping your finger. its awful. truely fucking awful.

we have a dog. he brought us lots of comfort.

sands groups soind daunting byt theyre really not. u dont have to speak. dont even have to say ur name or ur story but believe me there will be people there that feel just like you. its a great sounding board and one where you will never be judged.

im glad you are getting counselling. i hope it helps. Henry sounds like he was a beautiful baby boy.

[Sosks]

@gingerbreadmam Sorry to hear about your loss too

We found out at 12 weeks about his problems and they thought he wouldn't live much longer beyond that, but he fought right up until I was induced at 38+4

We really thought he was going to make it, having fought so far. Was heartbreaking to have that torn from us at the last moment. I was last monitored 4 hours before birth and his heart was beating away strong as ever, but as I was giving birth I knew he was already gone. Thought we'd maybe get a moment with him, but it wasn't to be.

Pets are wonderful though aren't they? have had many cuddles from our cats lately.

I'm glad you found a lot of support from Sands. I'm still not sure it's really for me and the way I deal with things though. Whilst others might find being in a group of people just like them to be comforting, I would actually find it very upsetting. I may go once and see what it's like but I think for now I'm happy with my counsellor, especially as he's been with me through most of the pregnancy so knows the whole background!

It's way off in the future yet but I am quite scared about being pregnant again if we are able to have another child. I don't know if I'd be able to give birth vaginally a second time. My only experience is stillbirth, I can see myself having many a panic attack about it. In fact, I get quite panicky just thinking about it!! Did you have any kids afterwards?

[gingerbreadmam]

i got pregnant again over christmas last year but lost her at 14+2. it wasnt as bad as i waa expecting the pregnancy part and the loss was a breeze compared to my son altho a shock as everyone just told us it would be fine this time.

thats a very long time to be on an emotional rollercoaster how terribly sad and traumatic to get so far along and it still be stolen from you. im glad your counsellor is helping.

sands is sad i agree but its the only place i have ever felt truely accepted aince going through that horror. no1 else even comes close to understanding and even with the best will in the world say stupid shit.

[cmwlocal76]

Sosks your loss just proves what a cruel world we live in. It is totally unfair as there are so many parents out there that don't deserve their children. Xxx