DS1 wants to see his grandmother before her funeral (it's long, sorry!)

[mountaingirl]

Can any of you give me some advice please, my MIL died on sunday am after a long battle with cancer, very bravely fought but it suddenly took her. My husband managed to get to the uk and to see her in the hospital with his brother and sister, and they were with her when she died the next night, her oldest son didn't make it as he was on a plane from Oz, nor did I as my plane got in a few hours afterwards, as I couldn't leave on saturday due to ds1's sporting commitments. I have just returned home and picked up my 3 dc, ds2 aged 6 is cool, he believes she is with our old cats and relatives and is a star in heaven and will be with us all the time, dd 9 is very tearful and sad (luckily she had flown over the w/e before and spent the w/e with mil whilst her father went to the rugby) ds1 12 is beside himself, he wants to say goodbye, kiss her on the head and not next see her when her ashes are being scattered (his words not mine). I also wanted to see her yesterday but her eldest son didn't...I come from an irish catholic family (mothers side) and we do say goodbye to them, except when my father died when I was 12 and I wasn't allowed and had horrific images in my mind for years until I finally nursed a gentleman in A&E when I was a student nurse who'd had a cardiac arrest and he died just next to me then I realised he was dead and looked ok...but what can I do, I will tell my husband but he is deeply upset(despite her deteriorating health he didn't expect her to die just yet..)do funeral parlours charge a fortune if you wish to view the body? Should I respect my sons wishes and make sure he sees her. OOh it is all so sad. Any ideas and sorry this goes on and on....

[stleger]

If possible anyone who wants to should be able to see the body. I had no idea there was a charge! (Horrified at the thought). My three children were at a wake, saw a friend who was 23 in the coffin, no ill effects. My dd2 was 7 at the time and a bit of a drama queen. You're all going through the mill at present I'm sure.

[zephyrcat]

Sorry to hear of your sad news, it must be hard for all of you. I think it is important that if your ds1 is adamant that he wants to see his Grandmother and you feel comfortable that he knows what to expect and can cope with it emotionally, then it is very important to let him. It is obviously something he needs to do and may well be an essential part of his grieving process.

When my Mum saw her father and my DP his father, both said that they looked very peaceful, but they did look different. I think it would be good to make him aware of that.

[mountaingirl]

Thank you so much for your messages. I spoke to my sister last night who said that my mother also wanted to see mil, so maybe the 3 of us can go together. Once the funeral arrangements have been confirmed then I'll either get my husband to talk to them or I'll do it myself. He has just woken up with a raging sore throat (I'm not suprised at all, it's the grief) so he has gone back to bed. Poor little chap an over excited monster lots of the time but such a sensitive little soul underneath.It's just so difficult being in another country and not being able to be spontaeneous about all this. Thanks again. x

[webcrone]

I am very sorry for your loss.

This might help - A very close family friend died suddenly when my DS's were 12 and 13. He was as much a friend to my boys as he was to me, and then some. DS2 was determined to visit and say his goodbyes, DS1 was not remotely interested. I took DS2, clutching a letter he'd written and a picture he'd drawn, and although I was a little hesitant about the whole thing, I was glad we went. DS2 looked at P's body quietly for a while, stroked his hair, held his hand, and then announced that he was ready to go. As we left he said that he was quite satisfied that it wasn't P anymore, because his hair was no longer lovely and shiny. It was a very tender moment.

I'd be very suprised if there's any charge associated with allowing people to visit - funeral directors usually ask if the family want to view but are very used to people changing their minds in the days after a death and deciding differently, so they will be very accommodating as long as you ring ahead and arrange a time.

[Beetrootccio]

I think you should try and take your son to say goodbye - My sil isGreek and has a very different idea about death to us as she grew up seeing dead bodies in the parlour at home - the Greeks do not think you should leave a person alone until after the are buried. She used to look over the top of the coffin with all her mates at the different wakes she went to .

[bozza]

I saw dead relatives as a teenager. It is not really something I feel the need to do, but when my Great Uncle died after having cancer my Great Aunt wanted everyone to see how peaceful he looked - so I did it for her really. I think your DS should be allowed to follow his own wishes on this. I have never heard of this charging to see a body. Usually you are perfectly OK to just visit the Chapel of Rest. I would speak to your DH and then contact the undertaker to arrange a time.

[ggglimpopo]

When my dd died the wise old undertaker told us that we should follow our other children's wishes as to whether they wanted to see her or not. He said that we did not have the right to stop them (she just looked asleep) and that it would help them as part of the grieving process. We gave our children the choice.

I am sorry for your loss.

[KristinaM]

i agree with ggglimpopo

[Joppe]

I think you should let him see her. When I was a teenager, my mother would not let me see a close friend who had died, as she thought it would be too traumatic. I regret to this day that I did not see him that last time.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[mountaingirl]

Thanks you again everyone for your caring and wise words, I also agree that he should see her to say his goodbyes. I need to call dh this am and my mother as well. Once I have found out her funeral arrangements, sorted out taking the dc's back to the uk I will try and leave a good day and a half before her funeral so that he can see her and say goodbye. Maybe I'll take all 3 after all I paved the way in the summer when our cat died at the vets and I deliberately bought him home so the kids could see him, cuddle him, kiss him and say goodbye before we buried him. I certainly didn't expect to be doing this quite so soon though.

ggglimpopo thank you so much for posting, I have read about you and your little Maude, she is beautiful and I think of you often. I hope you find the strength to get through the days, it must be so hard for all of you. One day you will smile again. I believe she is with you all the time even if not physically. A book I have kept with me since my nursing days is Elizabeth Kubler Ross "Death the final stage of growth", it is worth reading. J x

[linjasmom]

I guess it has all been said already, but wanted to add anyway that I am sad for your loss! I really think your ds should be able to say his goodbyes, how proud you must be of him! I know it really helped me when my grandma died and I am still sad that I did not have the chance to see my great-granny. Thinking of you!

[mountaingirl]

We will be seeing my mil, though now I need to decide on whether or not I take my 6 and 9 yo....the funeral directors have given us a time for the viewing.I'll just have to play it by ear with them. It is sad it is the end of an era. Many thanks again for your kind words and thoughts.

[HEIFER]

Mountaingirl.. I don't want to put a downer on this thread as everyone has offered such caring advise.

But I just want to warn you of something.

Would it be possible for you to see your MIL before your son, so that you can prepare him beforehand..

The reason I am saying this is because when my mum died of cancer a year or so ago , she looked awful.. It haunted me for months after, and I sat with her for a whole week before she died, so wasn't a total shock.

Sometimes people with cancer really do look ill. My mum hadn't eater for 12 days or drank for 8 days so really didn't look like she was just asleep..

I am sorry if this upsets you, but I do think you need to either see her first yourself or ask you DH how she looked when she died...

Hope it is ok to post this...

[HEIFER]

Sorry - that post doesn't come across as very caring, and I apologise for that..

I actually found it really hard to write, so please forgive lack of feeling..

I am sorry for your loss and agree that you should be very proud of your DS for wanting to say goodbye etc, it shows how much he cared for your MIL...

[linjasmom]

Heifer, I don't think that was uncaring, I think it was very thoughtful. Hadn't thought of that for lack of experience, but that really makes sense.
Mountaingirl, I hope and think you will do the right thing regarding your 6 and 9 year old dc, hopefully they will let you know what is right for them. Take care!

[purpleflower]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother when I was 13 to cancer. I saw her about 1/2 hour after and she looked how she did the day before. I can't say she looked good or that she looked like she was sleeping but she did look at peace.

I then went to see her in the funeral parlour just before her funeral, two weeks after she died. Seeing her like that still haunts me 7 years later, but I think I would always have regretted it if I hadn't.

On the other hand I saw my uncle last year on the day of his funeral (coffin was in the front room, not alot of choice) and he did just look like he was sleeping. His young granddaughters where there and coped wonderfully.

Once again I am so sorry for your loss.

[purpleflower]

Sorry just wanted to add that I think my uncles youngest grandchild was around 7 or 8 and she was fine.

[mountaingirl]

I had thought of going in first actually and then I could assess the situation. Don't worry heifer you haven't said anything out of turn, I agree. I remember when I saw my grandfather I spent a lot of time looking at him because he was like wax and was cold, unlike my patients who I had cared for after they had died. I need to do this as sensively as possible so my lo don't have horrid memories.

[Vev]

My DS insisted on seeing a great aunt whom he was close to when he was 11. He wanted to as we hadn't let him see his great nan who died when he was 4 who he was also close to - but thinking about it, it may have helped him to have seen his nan because he was absolutely distraught when he realised he couldn't go visiting her anymore 'cos she lived in heaven (great aunt lived opposite so we passed her old house regularly). He used to ask could he go to heaven for his holidays to see his nan. He woke up one morning and said he wasn't upset anymore 'cos he'd seen his nan, happy 'cos she'd got her teeth in and had brown hair, and he didn't want to go to heaven anymore as she was alright.

[mountaingirl]

Thanks again everyone. I/we unfortunately can only visit her at a certain time next wednesday, the afternoon before her funeral. It is something the funeral parlour have organised but also for the dc and myself we are in France and will not be flying over until tuesday.
Vev, my cousin had a similar experience with our grandfather. He had lived with them for some time and she was devestated at his death. Then one day she came downstairs and told her mother she was ok now, when pressed further she told my aunt that he had come and sat on her bed, stroked her hair and now she felt he was fine.
I hope that the children feel this is saying goodbye to her physical body but not her as such. They sort of grasped the concept with the cat, although naturally they were very upset. Lots of love and hugs and long talks for all of us over the next few weeks and months. My dd has just said before she went to school that when it would next be mil's b'day could we go up the mountain and let off some balloons with b'day cards on. How sweet.