My lovely lovely mum died 3 months ago, like so many mothers and daughters we were exceptionally close and I don't need to explain the depths of grief I feel without her.
My dad was my mums carer for many years and I'm not disputing that came with many challenges. However dad was never very kind to mum, he was abusive both mentally and emotionally.
When mum was at her most vulnerable he couldn't find it in him to show her kindness just shouted at her and treated her roughly. I called dad out so many times on his treatment of mum he still didn't change.
10 days before she died I took dad outside in the garden and told him mum was dying and now was the time to be kind to love her like he said he did. He didn't believe me he brushed me off.
Now she's no longer here he cries non stop, he says how much he misses her, how he loved her and generally paints himself as a doting husband. He never asks how I or my brother are doing, he's only ever been about himself and making sure he's the centre of attention.
I'm so angry with him, I want to scream at him that he has no right to feel the way he does given how badly he treated her knowing she physically couldn't get up and leave. I loved my mum, I adored her and I could never imagine saying the things he said to her to anyone let alone a person I loved.
When I spoke to him on the phone earlier I was quite short with him, he tells me how bad he feels, how he has no purpose. I suggested he talks to someone but he refused.
I don't know what to do, I'm torn between seeing my dad so broken and feeling so angry that he can't make any effort to at least try to make each day the best he can.
Am I being too hard on him?
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Bereavement
I'm angry and I'm struggling to forgive or be compassionate
LazySusan11 · 06/05/2017 22:46
@LazySusan11 first of all I'm so sorry for your loss 
My dad was similar with my invalid mum before she died. He would be rough with her, get angry and frustrated. It's a tricky situation to see the person you love like that and, at least in my own experience, my dad couldn't cope with illness or weakness and it manifested itself in a bad way.
I'm not excusing his behaviour but it's certainly a case of people dealing with things differently.
At the moment you're raw and bereaved and potentially looking to be angry at someone for the sadness you're feeling. And unfortunately his behaviour has given you (a somewhat justified) excuse to direct it to him. He probably is very upset and mourning but it's different people dealing with grief different ways.
I can't imagine how frustrating it must have been for my dad and I accept that in part he took his frustrations out on mum, however he has always been rather controlling and sabotaged anything mum tried to do for herself. She said so often she wished she had left him 
Perhaps my anger is misdirected I just can't help feeling like he should be held accountable in some way though I'm sure his guilt is enough. When he cries I want to shout at him how dare you cry when you were such a bastard to her!
I have to really bite my tongue, grief is wretched it does horrible things to people.
I shouted at my DS this morning because I was frustrated with him. Doesn't mean I don't love him and wouldn't be bereft if anything happened to him.
sorry about your mum.
outabout I'm sure you're trying to be helpful but I don't think it's helpful to excuse what the OP herself has described as "rough" treatment, a lack of kindness, and behaviour that was "abusive both mentally and emotionally" on the basis that "women's eyes" don't recognise abuse when they see it.
OP I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Grief is so hard and this must compound it terribly. I am sure your mum knew how loved she was (by you) and that will have been a comfort.
Nina I really feel for you, these kinds of regrets are awful. It is obvious from your post that you loved your mum very much.... What you describe doesn't sound like abuse to me, it just sounds like a mother / daughter relationship under stress (from illness). We are all snappish to our parents at times, the unfair thing is that we don't always get lots of adult years together to make amends and work those things out. Try not to beat yourself up.
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