Alternating moods but sadness and anger always in the background(2 Posts)
Mum died on 22 Nov 2016 and time is racing away. I thought I was doing ok but it seems to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Last week I had to sort out probate and tax issues. Spent 2 days wading through forms and mum's papers when I came across my birth tag from the hospital which mum had kept all these years (she was 90). That really set me off, such a deep well of sadness that it made me cry. I felt pretty depressed at the weekend. I am not suicidal or clinically depressed but sometimes wish I was not here. I just think, 'what's the bloody point?'. I mean I have no close family left and no kids. Relationship with partner is not ideal, he has been sympathetic to a point but left me on my own at Xmas ( wrote about this on here before) so I can never forgive that. We live separately and he does not want to move in with me but wants me to sell mum's house so we can buy a place together.
I had a business dream and that is shaping up nicely but honestly it doesn't mean much to me now and I just feel like selling everything and buggering off to an island on my own. I am still so angry that mum had such a shitty last 2 years largely due to an accident and I am still waiting for the compensation to be sorted out.
I feel cheated of all the things I can't do with her anymore - no more shopping, lunches, short breaks. So many things planned, 'when you are better we will do this' etc except she then got bloody cancer on top of everything else. In a weird way, I don't want Winter to end because I feel like I'm leaving her behind.....Does that make sense? I am afraid I will forget things about her. It's like she never existed to the rest of the world . The worst thing is that, according to my counsellor, the moments of sadness will last for years, when some memory surfaces!! A friend said that she still misses her mum after 15 years! I want my old life back .
And no, I dont'care that she was 'a good age' as people keep telling me. Her looks and attitude totally belied her age and she was very independent until the accident.
I've also put on about a stone since she died, due, I think, to the drinking I did for a couple of months to get through it.
Feel like I'm having to force myself to run the business, see friends, exercise etc when really I'm marking time, waiting until I don't automatically feel like crying when handling her clothes or looking at photos.
This loss is still very new and it's completely normal for you to feel this way. In time the raw pain will lessen but you will alway miss your mum.
I think I remember your previous thread, around Christmas time?
Your partner sounds less than your ideal man if I recall so I wouldn't rush in to living with him, but you sound like you have your head screwed on about him.
One day you will be able to think about your mum with happy thoughts and smile at the memories. It's a little early yet though and I'm sorry for your loss
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