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If you could write a letter to a loved one who has died, what would you say?

(27 Posts)
pithivier Mon 05-Dec-16 13:37:01

At this time of year I can't help thinking about my dad, and how much he loved Christmas, so I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts.

Dear Dad,
Well 43 years have gone by. DS1 was 2 and DD was 5 months' DS 2 wasn't even born, when you died. I have only one regret in my life and that is that they never got to know you. You would have been an amazing Grandad and it makes me so sad that you never got that opportunity.

DH and I have tried to live our life by following your example. You know what Dad, you would be so proud of those kids and their partners. They work so hard, to make their marriages work, they play with their kids just like you did with us. They spend so much time with them and every time I look at them I see you in them. Even my SIL, who never knew you, is the most amazing Father and has so many of your ways. He can tell a stories And jokes for hours on end, just like you did. I guess that, like me DD, married a man just like you.

Now your generosity of spirit is living on through your Great Grandson. I see him with his stepson, playing with him reading with him teaching to be kind and caring. I have even seen him teach him to cheat at cards by hiding them under his seat, just like you did with us. Just one of the many things that have been passed on through the family.

I would so like t believe that you can look at us and see what you created?

LastLeaf Mon 05-Dec-16 14:08:02

Dear Mum,

24 years next month since you chose to die. DS1 is nearly 17, just a year older than I was when you left. It has been a tough 24years. I have made shit decision after shit decision. I miss you everyday - I think often of how close we were (do you remember squeezing in to my bed at night to cuddle up to me and to get away from dad? Do you remember the hearts to hearts we used to have?) When you died I thought I wasn't worth loving anymore. I took easy option after easy option, trying to create a family and having children just to give me a sense of belonging after you left.
You would adore your grandchildren (4 from me!) My life would have been so different if you had just put the pills down. Your life could have been so different too. But I know things were a lot different back then. Women are more believed now. The anger I feel towards what you did has gone but how much I miss you just increases all the time. You were too ahead for your time but eventually the pressure from all angles got too much. You stood up as much as you could against abuse and judgments from your parents and the police for daring to speak out against dad. But you know what you left behind? even though it has taken me years to get to this point you left behind 2 daughters who have standards and won't tolerate any shit. You made us stronger just by showing us how to stand up against the wrong. You almost made it. You were so so close to getting free. I hope you are free now.

I miss you, especially at Christmas time. I hope you would be proud of my children. I am bringing my 3 sons up to be the right kind of men and my daughter to be the awesome grandchild you deserve and your fighting spirit lives on in her.

pithivier Mon 05-Dec-16 14:29:30

Lastleaf, that was so moving.

PinkSparklyPussyCat Sun 11-Dec-16 15:38:14

Dear Dad

It's nearly 18 years since you left us and I still miss you as much as ever. There's so much I want to tell you, mainly how much I love you and how I regret leaving you that night. I knew you were ill but I didn't expect you to go so quickly.

I'm so glad you and my DP made up that last Christmas. He's my DH now and I'd have given anything for you to have been at our wedding. He's like you in so many ways, patient, loving and kind.

I'm going to my first cricket match next year but it should have been with you. I watch the F1 and no one knows how much I want to discuss it with you. MS and cancer robbed us of so much. You suffered for so long and my only comfort is you are no longer suffering.

I wish I'd spent more time with you, talked to more - we had so many interests in common. I know you told Mum once that you didn't think I loved you - you couldn't have been more wrong, I was just stupid and thought you'd be there forever.

Love you Dad xxx

sarahC40 Thu 15-Dec-16 22:33:35

Darling brother in law,

You passed away after fighting so hard, and we miss you so very much. We think of you as still here as you were such a big character and a hero to our kids. I still catch my breath thinking that you were even ill, let alone that bastard caner has taken you away.

Christmas will likely be unbearable, but we've talked about you at Christmas last year, and I'm trying hard to picture you, chuckling hard at something ridiculous, watching my dh weep with laughter at some shared joke, that meant little to someone without that very particular and bizarre sense of humour.

Where are you? We miss you. We'd give eveything to have you here. This is wrong. We love you.

Gracey1231 Mon 19-Dec-16 14:44:29

Dear Dad,

It's been 2 years almost, so much has changed. I hope you're proud of me.

I miss you, you were my best friend. I can't believe you're not here. I hate Christmas without you, I hate birthdays and Easter without you. I feel as though you were never here, and the shock within me feels like my previous life was a dream, that I never knew you, but I did know you. You left a void in my life that I can't ever fill, who's gonna wind me up now? Who will take me to rugby? Who will always lend me £20 when I've asked for £10 because "what can you get for a tenner"
Who's always going to pinch my change off the kitchen side? And hide revels in the cupboard? Who's gonna tell me off for getting pregnant young and saying I'm daft, but always giving me a biscuit or throwing a caramel at me when I'm sad.

I dream about you, but I haven't for a while. Where have you gone?

My heart is heavy without you dad.
I love you more than anything, and I miss you beyond words.
I hope you're proud of me, come see me again soon.

"Life's a shithouse"
I love you x

Ivegotthetrumpet Mon 19-Dec-16 15:13:14

Dear Phillip

I was so naive when you told me what you were going to do. I regret every single day not alerting someone. It was the biggest mistake of my life. You'd convinced me so throughly that no one had any right to stop someone taking their own life and I believed you. I don't anymore and the catastrophic nature of that revelation will never leave me.

You said someone would tell me what the outcome was but I never heard anything. I spent months not knowing if you were dead or alive. That makes me feel monumentally unimportant. I couldn't tell anyone when you died, I had to grieve in complete silence.

Things have changed a lot since you left, I have a family now and I wish you could see.

I miss you every single day. The memories are fading and it scares me. I will always have the videos you left for me, your parting gift and a message that convinces me if I'd tried harder you wouldn't have gone.

I don't want to talk anymore. I want to listen. You were always the eloquent one.

ssd Tue 20-Dec-16 23:08:51

Hi mum,

Remember that last drive I took you and we bought chips? I'll always remember you gave me your first chip... i realized then you were still my mum. I thought the tables had turned and I'd become your mum, well they did for a long while, but at that moment I realized you were always my mum. Only mums love us enough to automatically give us the first chip and you didn't hesitate. I'm the same with mine. I miss you mum and I know you miss me. Say hi to dad and I know you'll be happy together, wherever you are xxx

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 20-Dec-16 23:16:41

Dear aunty

We didn't see each other that often really. But you were probably the one family member who didn't think I was crazy for being interested in and believing in what I do.

Now I'm kinda on my own with all of it and whereas I can deal with that on some levels it just makes me feel like an outcast.

I enjoyed our talks. Alot. It was nice having someone to talk about this stuff with who didn't see it all as me being some kind of weirdo.

I still think of you sometimes. You were the only person who I didn't feel was rolling their eyes when I spoke of these things.

I hope wherever you are you are finally happy x

multivac Tue 20-Dec-16 23:24:19

Hey, Caroline

You would have fucking hated this thread

I miss you; so deeply. So strangely.

multivac Tue 20-Dec-16 23:29:15

(I know that if there's one thread you'd be watching, though, it'd be this one. For a mention.)

Megthehen Wed 21-Dec-16 20:39:06

Dear Brother I am sorry I didnt hold your hand the last time you were still just about with us. I wanted to but I would have wept pathetically while you bore the agonies of the final stages of cancer with such dignity . I miss you everyday..I will never be able to accept you not being in this world..

staggeringaroundthexmastree Wed 21-Dec-16 20:45:52

Dear grandad.

I wish I could have said goodbye and told you I loved you one last time. You never deserved to die alone and so suddenly you deserved having all of us there with you when you passed. I love you so much and I'll never ever get over losing you I miss you so much.

Xxxx

jimijack Wed 21-Dec-16 20:49:35

Julie,
I still can't believe you are not here anymore.
You would love your two, be proud probably, but they would be 99% better if you had stuck around, you would have made sure they were ok, had you been well and capable.
I bet you never planned it, I bet you could never foresee the road ahead of you, I bet you regret it.
But, it's done.
H is SO like you, it's uncanny, makes my heart sad.

You said, after you had him, "you were so happy", I will never forget that.
You were happy weren't you.
I'm glad xxx

follygirl Thu 22-Dec-16 22:38:34

Dear Dad,

It's been 9 years since you died. I still can't believe that you were diagnosed in April and dead by November. I remember you telling the oncologist that you would do all the treatment they recommended because you wanted to live.
I hate the fact that you had a successful operation to remove the tumour but it was your heart that died in intensive care afterwards. A heart that had been damaged by the chemo. I hate the fact that I didn't get to the hospital in time and that I didn't get to say goodbye or tell you how much I loved you.
The kids are growing up fast. Although you did meet them, they would have loved having you as their Opa.
I still remember your cheeky smile and the twinkle in your eye.
I miss you as much now as I did then.

LuckyBitches Fri 23-Dec-16 09:44:31

Dear little brother,

I miss you so much. When you used to come down for the weekends I saw it as family duty, even though we got on so well. I feel so stupid now - I would do anything to see you again.

I love you always xxx

Whatslovegottodo Fri 23-Dec-16 09:59:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CitrusSun Wed 04-Jan-17 01:44:47

Darling Dad
I'm so sorry, I moved in to take care of you. And I couldn't do it. I was so naive, believing that because I loved you so much I could be bigger than the Alzheimer's. And all I did was be impatient with you. I couldn't cope Dad and I'm sorry. I couldn't move out and leave you alone, having moved in. But I was such a bad carer, my beautiful kind Dad and I don't know how to move on. Alzheimer's robbed you of so much and all you had was me being useless, cross, impatient and resentful. I am so sorry Dad, I wasn't equipped, I thought I could do it but I couldn't, I wish I could just hold your lovely han and make you feel safe and loved, I wanted to be a daughter who was a wonderful carer but I failed. I miss you so much Dad, there is no one like you, please forgive me for being cross and frustrated, I always loved you, I hated Alzheimer's for what it put you through. There's no one like you Dad, I miss you every moment.

RebelRogue Wed 04-Jan-17 01:46:09

Dear dad,
I love you and always did.

Pallisers Wed 04-Jan-17 02:28:36

Dear Mum and Dad

we think of you so often. Our children are enchanted by you even years after your deaths because you were the most loving grandparents ever and they have the photos and letters and memories.

We often wish you could see us or hear them or share a joke or a book or a line in a poem. You drove us crazy a lot of the time but you were the two best people I have ever known - faults and all. What I love most about you was you didn't care about that - you just wanted to be yourselves and be loving and loved. love from your daughter.

follygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 09:23:40

I've no experience of Alzheimer's and I'm sure it's horrendous.
You did the best you could at the time citrusSun, it's a bit mad to say it as we're all writing our messages of regret, but try to move on and be kind to yourself.

CitrusSun Wed 04-Jan-17 22:02:37

Thank you Folly, feel stuck, can't move on, huge amount of guilt and remorse, am calling CRUSE re possibility of counselling tomorrow, thank you again for your kind words x

FlowerOfTheValley Thu 12-Jan-17 23:50:56

I can't write anything as I'm sobbing my heart out reading all of yours.

Citrus please don't feel guilty, you did your best. Coping with a parents illness and being their carer is so incredibly hard. I am sure your dad knew that and how much you loved him.

I hope you managed to get in touch with CRUSE. I found bereavement counselling a big help.

LuckyBitches Fri 13-Jan-17 15:44:06

Citrus - you have nothing to feel guilty about. My dad has dementia, and it's an absolute horror. I only look after him one evening a week, and I hate even that. My sister lives with him and could have written your post. I couldn't hold it together if I was his carer full time, it's just too much. That you tried to look after him shows how kind you are, but it's too much for one person.

Have you read this article?

mymatemax Fri 13-Jan-17 22:42:29

Love you, miss you. Don't worry we are taking care of each other. We are all doing our best. Please, I just want one more cuddle xx

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