Picked up his ashes today

[Ludoole]

Picked up my husbands ashes this morning and bought him home.
He's left a whole load of stuff to sort out and im angry with him for not dealing with the things he should have.
I cant start dealing with my grief until everything's sorted out.
Ive had enough of it all. I want to walk out the door and never come back, but i cant because of the boys.
Im lost and lonely and bloody angry!

[MummyBex1985]

Ludoole I'm sorry you're going through such hell.

Have you spoken to a bereavement counsellor? I did today and it helped more than I thought it would.

As for dealing with things - don't do anything you don't have to (for the time being) and don't try and take on more than you can cope with.

[nemno]

So sorry Ludoole, I've been thinking about you a lot as we 'met' on this board. My troubles with my dad are insignificant compared to yours and your strength and dignity have helped me keep perspective xx

Is there anybody helping you? I'm sure family or friends would do some of the outstanding legwork. I'll bet many have said to say if they can help in any way. Take them up on that. It will make them feel better if they are able to help. If there are things you can't delegate because you are the named contact then let others feed you all, clean your house, entertain the DC, iron your stuff or wash/pump up/check fluids on the car; anything that means you don't have to do it.

[Lilybensmum1]

Oh Ludoole it all sounds normal the anger, the wanting to walk away, sorting things out keeps you occupied for now. Go with it it's an awful thing no two ways about it and Christmas makes it more difficult, it's a stressful time with lots to do.
I know it's not the same but my dmil died this time last year and my dh and dfil ploughed through all the things that needed doing and only then did we cry. It's almost self preservation it's like you say you won't walk because of your boys. I wish I Could do more to help you, have you got anyone in RL or is that too much for you at the moment.

[Ludoole]

Ive calmed down now
Spent the evening talking to his ashes casket... but its calmed me right down.
I find it a comfort having him back home. He has lived in this house all his life so it feeks tight him being back

[Ludoole]

Feels not feeks

[Ludoole]

Right not tight FFS

[Aramynta]

Glad you are feeling better Lodoole - you do what you need to do to feel better. Talking to him abbsolutely helps. I always talk to photos of my uncle and grandad when I miss them. I imagine what they would say if I feel lost. It really does help sometimes ((((hugs))))

[ignoringthechoc]

I understand what you are going through ludoole (funeral this week) and its only the kids keeping me sane at the minute. Along with the sadness and lonliness is also anger, im a mess of conflicting emotions and although I seem to be on top of it all im about to crumble at any given minute. Am planning to arrange counselling in the new year as I cant discuss some of my emotions with friends/ family as it feels disloyal, but I know I need to vent somewhere. Doubt either of us will have a good christmas but im hoping the kids are able to be distracted for parts of it and smile/ laugh occasionally. Take care x

[Ludoole]

Ignoring Im so sorry that you are in this position too... i completely understand the 'about to crumble' feeling.. Christmas isnt happening in our house this year. Me and my youngest dont want to do anything. Eldest is going to biological dads but he just wants a change of scenery.
We placed my dad in a care home just after my husband passed away because we couldnt deal with his advanced alzheimers on top of everything else, so this will be the 1st christmas i havent spent with dad or mum in all my 39 years of life either...
Keeping going since hes been gone has been the single most difficult thing ive ever attempted to do. It would be so much easier to follow him but i couldnt do it to my sons... Just got to take it hour by hour i suppose. X