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The waves of grief in unexpected places.

(12 Posts)
Enkopkaffetak Wed 16-Dec-15 22:48:59

My mother passed away in May..

I am getting along with it as best as can however sometimes I find the wave of grief just takes over.

Yesterday I went shopping for a Christmas present for my stepdad. I had spent some time trying to work out what to get him as I really wanted him to feel we had bothered and thought about the present. In the end I went to a Shop about 15 mins from where I live that sells hunting related items. I had after suggestions on here decided to go with a hat. (he is a hunter)

I am standing in the shop looking at the hats and the sales person asks.. Is it for a present and I just welled up in tears.. Then found myself having to explain.. At this point her eyes goes glassy wet and she says in a wobby tone " that was us last Christmas" So she at least understood. However it really shock me up for the day. I felt very serious and sad really is the only word for it.

I cant really get used to how this happens it just takes me by surprise and overwhelms me.

sooperdooper Wed 16-Dec-15 22:55:20

I know exactly what you mean sad

My mum passed away in June and I get this feeling out of nowhere, overwhelming and I can burst into tears when I'd been feeling ok the second before.

I went Christmas shopping, felt like everywhere I looked were either presents I'd have bought mum, or cards for mum.... I had to come home

In Asda (!) saw the individually wrapped cakes I'd got her in hospital, was in bits

It's the times I can't control I find so overwhelming - when if catches me unawares like it sneaks up on me sad

FadedRed Wed 16-Dec-15 23:02:11

Me too. Mum was fine last Christmas, well, old and getting frailer, but ok iykwim, and gone less that a month later.
Keep seeing stuff I the shops that I would have got her for Christmas, she did enjoy Christmas so much.
It is getting better, but very,very slowly.
At least I'm not constantly worrying about her now. Just missing her.
It's hard, isn't it?

Enkopkaffetak Thu 17-Dec-15 09:01:47

Yes it is hard. I think it is the unexpectedness of it. Easier when I am prepared that it will be hard. (like her birthday or my stepdads birthday I knew I was going to feel off on those days) I can sort of plan for those days and make sure there is time for me to cope. However when I am out shopping for Christmas I was expecting a nice relaxing time so to suddenly be in tears in front of a woman (no matter how lovely she was) I had never met before.. throws me.

ChowNowBrownCow Fri 18-Dec-15 22:44:35

My dad passed away 3 years ago tomorrow. I know I won't sleep tonight. I have to go a ritual of my own tomorrow where I think of our memories and the loss of him. Somehow I will deal with it because of my family and be brave for my mum. But last week, someone offered me a polo, and I froze and got tearful. I used to rib my dad that he never had any decent sweets only polo's! Its those moments that get you when you least expect it. And I seem to catch glimpses of dad look alikes too.

sooperdooper Sat 19-Dec-15 11:51:55

Enkopkaffetak - yes I'm the same when I know it's going to be a hard day I csn prep myself, plan either to keep busy or be doing something in particular but it's the sudden shocks that get me, when it's out of nowhere it's so much harder

My mum was only 59, she was fine last Christmas, it was so sudden and so unfair

I want to be able to buy her a Christmas present, I want her to come round with mince pies sad

Enkopkaffetak Sun 20-Dec-15 21:54:16

Thank you everyone. In an odd way its good to know others feels this way.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 20-Dec-15 22:00:36

OP, I can't listen to a Salvation Army band without crying - it always makes me think of my DGrandad (long story which you don't need to hear).
Suffice to say, yes, there will be situations that bring back the memories.
Don't be embarrassed, you're human. It's not wrong to remember and miss people you love.
This time of year tend to bring it all back. thanks

flowers I understand, my dad passed away in March, my mum nearly 10 years ago. I see things all the time that I would love to buy them/do with them. We've done a few things with my dh's family recently and are planning on going on holiday with the ils next year. While I'm looking forward to it and love my ils it gets to me because I can't do that with my parents too.

Itjusthappened Sun 20-Dec-15 22:17:58

I lost my dad in March. I still haven't collected his ashes from funeral directors. I'm officially the worst daughter in the world. But I just don't know where to put him?! I don't want him on the mantel piece, 'watching' us. I do t want him in a cupboard either! Dilemma! I'm going to go and collect him tomorrow-mainly because I feel so bloody guilty!
I cried in a sandwich shop the other day. Embarrassing but I'm a regular, so it was sort of ok. I made to lady cry too. Not cool...
This grief business is a strange thing to get your head around isn't it!

PingPongBat Mon 21-Dec-15 20:18:26

OP, I'm just the same. Mum passed away in February, and I find I'm OK some of the time, then I just see or hear something and I'm in bits on and off for the rest of the day.

The other night I was driving home from work, saw the newly lit Christmas lights in town, and started crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop till I got home. Then I was on edge for the rest of the evening. There's nothing in particular about Christmas lights that reminded me of Mum, it was just an overwhelming, physical feeling of loss all of a sudden. I suppose it's probably because we knew she was dying this time last year.

The waves don't seem to be getting smaller, just a little further apart. I did a lot of grieving when she was dying, in hospital and the nursing home, spent a lot of time supporting Dad, then when she died my brother and I organised the funeral and wake, so I was in 'organiser', sort of getting on with it mode, but I had a mini meltdown & some time off work about 8 weeks later, after my father in law died too.

This is such a hard time of year. We will miss the presence of my Mum and father in law, only 5 of us at Christmas instead of the normal 8 (my dad is in Australia visiting his sisters).

thanks to everyone missing their loved ones

LollipopViolet Tue 22-Dec-15 17:51:41

This is my 3rd Christmas without my granddad, and I was nearly a sobbing mess looking at Christmas cards this year - I miss buying one that says "Granddad" sad

I get it at other times too, certain things will just set me off. It's been over 2 years since he died and it still happens.

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