It's all coming out now

[Peonylass]

My sister died 6 years ago. We'll never actually know how or why, despite an inquest, as she'd been dead a few days before she was found. She'd had an unhappy life, alcohol and drug problems, mental health problems. She was found in 23 December.

She left behind three daughters. I was already adopting her youngest when it happened, and wound up dealing with everything pretty much on my own. Sorted Christmas for all the kids, organised the funeral, dealt with the will and after the first week or so, cleared her house. No one would even babysit, so I had to bring the toddler with me. The house clearance took 3 months, hard graft. She'd trashed the place, it was horrible. On my own with a toddler.

We have just had the middle child move in 6 months ago. She has Aspergers traits and pulls her hair out. She's still very much coming to terms with the loss of her mum (and abandonment by her dad), so now I am dealing with her bereavement, plus her sister (who we adopted) has turned against me as a reaction( I'm not her real mum etc). It's a pretty horrible time and my husband is very withdrawn.

We have building work going on, and clearing rooms over the weekend has really brought it rushing back, I'm pretty overwhelmed. I tried to talk to my husband about it but he just walked off.

[MotiSen]

I know how you feel, I think. My own brother commited suicide 13 days after my son was born. Had to do the same schlepping around with a newborn attending funeral, sorting through possessions. Was the most horrible ... horrible is too weak ... it was like being trapped in a nightmare.

Now I am looking at my 10 yo son sitting across the room from me, and I am trying to think ... how did it all turn out okay? because it did. I had next to no family support, single parent, etc. The "support" I did get ... sometimes it had such a twilight zone feel, I had to ask myself, Is this help? Lots of anxiety attacks and ~out of body feelings. I knew I had to "get better". For my son.

I asked myself, given that I had no real social safety net (reliable, supportive friends or family), what was it going to take to keep myself out of a very depressive state? And, the answer was (this is going to sound crass) ... it was financial stability. That's my safety net. I don't know how you feel about that. I'd imagine that, beyond the loss, if you've had to take on the care of 3 children, if that has put a strain on your budget, that might make you more susceptible to feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed.

If you can find people, or if I could've found people in a similar situation, to sort of talk to and help each other, that might have helped. But, I never came across any until your post. It's odd. You'd think people would be stepping up to help, given the obvious situation your in.

All I can say is best wishes , and I hope for the best for you. I'd step up, but I am an ocean away in Virginia, USA. Stumbled across mumsnet after googling, something, forgot what is was. Very thoughful people here.

[Peonylass]

Thanks. It's hard isn't it?

I am usually the one looking after everyone else, so I think people don't want to help me because I'm not being the dutiful wife/friend/daughters they're used to.

It's really been very tough. I am hiding it at work as much as I can, blaming a cold, but I keep welling up.

[PenguinPoser]

You poor thing it sounds absolutely awful. I have also lost my sister in tragic circumstances in December so can feel some of that pain, but no children involved which in your case must make it so much harder. Have you got much help or support around? I wonder if some counselling or similar might be a start, and do you have social worker support with the children - they might have access to a psychologist for the children.

[Peonylass]

Thanks. I hadn't heard of Winstons Wish before. I'll get in touch.

My workplace does an employee assistance programme so I referred myself to it last week. They are going to refer me for counselling. They have even offered couples counselling, and as my marriage isn't great I am going to try for that.


I have contacted social services, for post adoption support, so we'll see what happens there.

Financially things are tight but just about manageable. I am main earner and carer so the toughest thing is having to manage things on my own.

[MotiSen]

So happy to see the good and useful information you are getting. Really, I teared up. You sound like a very good person, and good at making a survival(? in a way) plan to boot! Best of the best wishes.

[Peonylass]

Thanks, that made me cry. I don't feel like a good person, quite the opposite

[MotiSen]

But ch'yar Blanche, ch'yar (good). : ) Hope that made you smile. (Hope you've seen Baby Jane, or that fell flat!)

[Peonylass]

Thanks, it made me smile, even though I haven't seen baby jane