oh how l am hurting, reliving our last conversation, our last visit, did she know l loved her? She was 91, adopted me at 2 weeks old, she was termed an "older mother" and yes there was a generation gap and obvious issues as l grew up but l had great parents.
I know l will get over this, l know l will eventually accept it as l did my dad's death 15 years ago next week. But it seems harder this time-l feel alone ( although l have a wonderful DH and Dsis) she did so much for me as a very sickly baby and young adult, I want to tell her again how much l love her, how l owe everything l am and everything that l have to her and dad. I want her to know l am sorry if l was a bit short tempered in the last few weeks, l was ill and very tired and stressed but that is no excuse.
She died alone in her sleep in her chair, l should have been with her, l want to rewind the world just 1 week and do some things differently.
This post is so selfish-it's all about what l want and need l do know that but l have the rest of my life to live without her full of regrets. My family and my mums sister and brother said that she was so proud of her daughters and we looked after her well--she was cared for at home despite her illnesses which was her one wish, we had promised our dad we would always look after her when he died. So why do l feel so guilty?
I am pleased her suffering is over but l was not prepared for her to leave me so suddenly.
Sorry for the garbled post but my thoughts are all over the place...