I can't cope with this anymore

[jessiesw]

I just want to be with my son. He died in September, he was 12. Colin was my best friend. I had him when I was only 17, my husband was 18. Our lives became so much better when he arrived. He made my life worthwhile

I miss him so much, it hurts. My heart hurts all the time. I drive past his school, his football team's field, the park where he used to play, and I break down almost every time.

I am a rubbish mum for my daughter (she is 5) as I am never in the mood to do anything with her or take her out anywhere. I am also pregnant, due May 5th and I feel so guilty about it... I feel bad that I probably wont be a perfect mum for the baby. I feel guilty that Colin wont be here for it.. what if he thinks i'm replacing him? I knew I was pregnant before he died but I didn't tell either of the kids as I wanted to wait until I was in the 2nd tri. Now I wish I did because he was never told about his sibling.

My husband is just as loving with her as he was before and he's acting distant towards me. He used to be really romantic and would hold me while I cried at night but for about 3 months he's just been acting really weird to me. We both go to counselling but I don't feel any better for it. I want my husband back too but he's hardly talking to me.

I just want my baby boy back. I want to see his wide smile again, I want to see his dirty socks on the floor on his bedroom... I want to see him blush when I kiss him goodbye in front of his friends.. I need him back so much. I want to be with him. I feel like my daughter and my husband would be better off without me, I hardly do anything and I know my husband hates it. I take my DD to school then I just sit around. I try. I really do. But it's so hard.

Will it ever get any better?? I don't know how to cope... his death was so sudden, I never thought I would be here. I am so close to just giving up after this baby is born.

[chocoluvva]

I'm so very sorry that you lost your DS.

The grieving process can be very long, but you will begin to feel better in time.

Would you consider booking an appointment with your GP?

[jenmac22]

Jessie, I am so sorry about your darling boy. You are right in the middle of a dark nightmare. What you are describing could be my words almost all of it. My son died suddenly in December 2012, and please believe me when I tell you that I have felt exactly what you are. Including feeling detached from my husband. Please don't give up, your little girl and your baby will be your very reason to keep going. I always say that I need my other 2 boys to know I love them as much as I did dave. I need to be here and so do you
Our husbands grieve so differently to us, but not any less , it took me a long time to realise this. He needed me to come back to him, I can't, but what I do is I hug him and tell him how much I love him,.and somehow we are muddling through.
I have found this site a real help, and have met beautiful people who are sadly part of this shitty club too.
Hang in there, talk here. Breathe and try to keep in the moment, don't look ahead too much, be gentle on yourself. Holding your hand and sending you love and strength x

[Lilybensmum1]

I'm so sorry jessie and jenmac22 I can't possibly understand how hard it can be.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can, there is no formula for grief of this magnitude. One day at a time and go from there.

[jenmac22]

Thank you Lilybensmum1.

I made a mistake in my previous post I wanted to say 'my other 2 boys need to know I love them as much as I do Dave', it wouldn't let me correct.

You're right, and sometimes not even a day at a time, its minute by minute Jessie, as much as you can do. I did nothing at all for 7 months, it was a complete and utter blur. Don't be hard on yourself.

[chocoluvva]

I'm so glad you have had answers from other posters who understand what you are going through jessiesw

You are all in my thoughts now.

[jenmac22]

Hi Jessie, just a wee message hoping you have had a peaceful weekend, thinking of you x

[LousterTheRooster]

Hi Jessie. The same as jenmac, your post could be mine. My son died 15 months ago and it's a battle every day to remain upright. It still doesn't feel real that he's gone and I doubt it ever will. I too feel guilty that I'm neglecting my other children and also my husband and I have seriously considered ending it all. It's frustrating right? We're caught up in the middle of a situation that we had no control over. I often think that I have to make a choice - be with Louis or stay with my children here (I have 4 in all). Of course I know the answer to that, I will obviously stay here because I love my children and have no intention of leaving them or hurting them even more than they are already hurting. My husband is the same as yours, he grieves differently. In fact just this morning he told me how happy he was that I'd said I loved him as he thought I didn't really like him any more. I've explained to him how overwhelmingly tiring it is to pretend every day that I'm 'ok', that I'm coming to terms with the loss of Louis, smiling sweetly to people with good intentions but who don't know what I'm going through. Home is the only place I can be myself and let my defenses down, to not pretend that I'm fine. It's exhausting! It's hard for him because he is being strong for all of us when I simply crumble every time I walk past Louis' photos, see something in the supermarket that I know he would like, do things that I know he would love.

It's not even one day at a time at the moment my love it's one breath at a time. When I go to bed each night I think to myself 'well, that's another day I've managed to get through, tomorrow might be better'. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't but what I have come to terms with is the fact that my life is so utterly different now to what it was. Most people understand that.

If you don't think your therapy is working would it be possible to change therapist? You need to find one that fits, not all do. And go easy on yourself even though you may find that hard to do. Your daughter and the child that you're carrying will still love the mum that they have even if you think you're neglecting them slightly. I say that as I sit here at 1 in the afternoon (in the UAE) and I'm still in my PJs with my two younger children munching on a packet of crisps and playing on minecraft (they've had breakfast and lunch, before anyone questions that). It's the school holidays and I should be out there doing something fun with them but it's hard to find the motivation some days.

Before I finish this essay I just want to say, please don't give up. I understand how hard that is but please don't. Losing Colin won't get any easier but the way in which you go about your day to day life will change and you will manage it with more ease. And I promise you, last year I NEVER thought I would be saying that.

[jenmac22]

Aw louster,
Everything you said, its me too. Jessie, I hope you get even the tiniest of comfort, and smidgeon of hope that you are not alone.
Sending love to you both x

[jenmac22]

Hi jessie. Hope you are doing okay just now x

[jessiesw]

Hi ladies, thank you for all of the replies... I know I haven't been on in a while, I won't lie to you all - I forgot I had even signed up and posted then when I remembered I couldn't remember my password, got frustrated and just gave up. Eventually got around to sorting it out and replying to you all.

It has been a rough few weeks for me, I cant put my finger on why but a lot of things have been triggering for me recently. I guess being pregnant isn't helping but baby will be here soon. I'm not sure how I feel about that though. I am happy we are having a baby but I feel so detached from him/her, I have no motivation to get ready. We still have hardly spoke about names and he/she will be here any day now.

I don't think the therapy is working but I'm unsure about changing.. maybe I will ask about it. I feel like any therapist wouldn't help but I will try if there is a possibility it might help me feel a bit better.

I have felt even worse on my daughter these past few weeks, she is sad too because she misses her brother (they were very very close) and she has to see me be so down too. I try not to show it around her but she's clever and observant, she knows exactly what I am feeling. She is excited about the new baby and I know she will help me with her/him, she loves babies.

My husband has been acting less weird towards me, we talk more which is good. I think he's still worried about me. I asked him why he was acting weird towards me, I said I knew he was grieving in his own way, but why? And he said he didn't really mean too. He just didn't want to upset me but most of the time he didn't notice he was acting strange. He's scared about the new baby as well but I think that's unavoidable. We will get through it... We have to.

Thanks again everyone, I will make sure to check in as much as I can. I think the baby might disrupt that though. Colin was born at 37+5 and dd was born at 38+2... I'm 37+1 right now and starting to show signs already.

[jessiesw]

I miss him so much today his birthday is in a week. He would have been 13. A teenager. He was so excited for his next birthday... he told me he was going to donate some of his birthday money to the animal shelter. We are donating about £300 in his name. He would have only got about £100 for his birthday but my husband and I have been saving up since he died to donate the money. We want to make sure it's from Colin, though. Not us.

I also think the baby will come soon... my husband thinks it would be cool if she/he is born on his birthday but I am praying they they dont, I would always be sad on their birthday and I don't want that for them, it's not fair. It will be hard with the baby having a birthday around now... but it will make the time a little easier.

My heart hurts so much today, it's been harder I think because my daughter is back in school so I havent had her around to distract me a bit and my husband was back in work after having the week off last week so I've been alone and I've spent most of it crying. pregnancy hormones don't help, I guess.. but I just didn't know what to do with myself at all

[jenmac22]

Hi jessie, you have such a lot to put up with just now, all these dates and sad times, but amongst all of this you are managing to keep colins wish to donate money to the animal sanctuary, and such a lot too,they will be so very grateful to your beautiful boy. Your a very strong, and wonderful loving mum, your new baby is going to be very lucky.
The build up to any important date is just a nightmare, so hard I find, I feel anxious and agitated and that's without the pregnancy hormones, be gentle with yourself and just go with what each minute brings. I'm thinking of you and send you my strength and love xx

[jessiesw]

We had a great day on his birthday, we took the money and they were so happy and thankful for it and one of the staff sent us a letter thanking us and Colin for it. It was lovely to get the letter back.

It has been busy around here as I had our daughter on the 22nd, Iris Josephine. We love her, she's beautiful and it has been so hard without him but it has also been wonderful because she is such a joy. It still hurts all the time, I miss him so much it hurts but Iris makes the pain a little easier to cope with.

[wishiwaspregnant]

I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you and your family. Wishing you lots of happiness with your baby girl. You seem like a really lovely family. I hope you can take some gentle steps forward towards a happy future. Your son will always be with you on all your journeys! Lots of love and best wishes to you

[jenmac22]

Congratulations to you all, Iris Josephine is such a beautiful name as well. Xx

[Justusemyname]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your gorgeous boy, Colin .

Welcome to the world, Iris. What a beautiful name.

Look after yourself jessiesw.

[duplodon]

Jessie crying tears for you and hoping doing that gives you one moment less of feeling hurt, even just a breath, and sending you love and light and peace. Welcome to the world Iris. Colin sounds such a kind, heartful boy to be donating to the shelter, I hope his money goes far xx