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dealing with pregnant relatives when your baby has died

(3 Posts)
clairebabes89 Tue 13-Jan-15 12:23:26

Our first beautiful baby lived for 7 weeks on a ventilator whilst tests were been done to find out why he was unable to breath on his own. After the longest 7 weeks of our lives, spent at his bed side in a neonatal ward, we were given the devestating news he had a rare muscle condition which meant his chest muscles were not strong enough to breathe. Hed never be able to breathe on his own. We then had to face the inevitable and turn off his ventilator and say goodbye to him. This was 3 months ago.

Since his death I find my self feeling its just not fair. My sister in law found out she was pregnant (not planned she said) just after me, and her baby is due soon. I am really struggling not to be resentful towards her. she already has one child (also not planned) and I just think why can she have two children which she didnt even initially want/plan for yet we wanted and tried for our baby yet he gets taken. She is soooo inconsiderate towards us too. Showing us her belly and getting us to feel kicks. Posting constant things on facebook about her wonderful life and children. it just sickens me. The day she came to say goodbye to our son at the hospital all she did was talk about her child she already has. I dont know if she genuinley doesnt realise what shes saying or how she makes us feel? I sometimes wonder if its just me and Im taking things to heart too much. But I just dread the birth if her baby, the big fuss in the family and the happily ever after. it should have been us! I really dont want to go to the hospital to see her baby either, it was where my son was born and the memories are too much. Does anyone else feel the same or has similar experiences? xxxx

cathpip Tue 13-Jan-15 13:34:32

When my dc3 was 10 days old we lost dc2, she was 3 years old. My twin sister who drove 300 miles North with her dh straight away was amazing. However they had a dc and she was 17 weeks pregnant with twins, at her 20 week scan she found out it was girls. To say I was heatbroken was an understatement, why did she get to have three children and I didn't and even worse why did she get to have two daughters when my only daughter was taken so suddenly. It's safe to say I actively avoided any pregnancy news and photos of them when they were born, it just felt like a massive slap in the face. Yes my sister was insensitive to my needs waffling on about baby this baby that, but then she was excited and it was not her fault or the twins fault for being girls. It took me 10 weeks to pluck up the courage to go and see them, and it was very hard, but I value my relationship with my sister, and yes she did realise how upsetting it was for me. My dh has yet to meet them, and quiet frankly for him, he would rather never see them. Since losing my daughter I have grown much closer to my younger sister who has been a massive sounding board for anything twin sister related. Incidentally she also has two daughters but older. You have every right to feel how you do, your happily ever after has been taken away, like mine has. As for going to the hospital don't, why put yourself through that and if family kick up a fuss tell them that as much as you are very happy for her, it's just too much for you to deal with seeing what you have lost.

angelopal Tue 13-Jan-15 22:00:31

Sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my first suddenly at 4 days old due to an undetected heart defect.

My dsis was pregnant at the time and already had 1 dc. Luckily for me she stays a few hours away so only saw her once. Once the baby was born I did not see him until he was almost 3 months old. It was really difficult and.honestly I dont think I could have coped seeing him earlier.

If you do not feel up to seeing the baby when born then dont go. Your family should understand that even though it is a happy occasion for them it is a reminder of everything you have lost.

Unfortunately a lot of people do not know what to say and try and fill the void. Soon after loosing my dc my dsis would call and when I did not say much would start telling me about her dc1. Also saying things like how would the loss affect her dc1. It really upset me at the time and I did distance myself from her a bit. I do not think she meant to be hurtful. Just really inconsiderate.

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