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Please may I ask for advise from bereaved mums?

(8 Posts)

Firstly I am so sorry to intrude and ask this question of you. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in RL.

Background. I am a surviving sibling. It is more than 30yrs ago now since my sibling died suddenly when I was a v young child and basically, no one handled it in the family or spoke of it really. Consequently I cannot talk about it easily in RL (amongst other issues)

My mum clearly was massively distressed by this but it wasn't mentioned and she's lived with this alone all this time.

An anniversary has recently passed. And I'm feeling overcome with urge to send some flowers to her or something to mark occasion.

It would be massively out of the blue.

Please can anyone who is in her shoes tell me what you think ? Im terrified of doing the wrong thing and doing anything to cause upset.

I have been overwhelmed by urge to do this after reading a book about someone experiencing a grief and it's made me feel a bit odd.


I mean advice in title.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Wed 30-Oct-13 20:16:18

You aren't intruding at all, and I, and many others on here are are very glad when people ask questions.

I think sending flowers is a really lovely idea. For you to recognise and acknowledge her loss will mean the world to her, especially after so long.

Under the circumstances I would probably keep the card simple, maybe just a 'thinking of you' and the date so if she wants to talk she knows you are open to it, and if she doesn't she can avoid talking about it and pretend its just a lovely random bunch of flowers.

Your Mum is very lucky to have such a thoughtful daughter xx

toffeesponge Wed 30-Oct-13 20:20:13

I am sorry for your mum's loss and yours too.

Definitely send flowers. It is really hard when people make it so you can't talk about certain things. It is best for them, not you and that isn't right.


Spacefrog35 Fri 01-Nov-13 17:30:02

What a lovely, lovely idea.

The only thing I would say is be prepared for a number of possible outcomes. Your mother may welcome the chance to talk about your loss after all this time but she may have not spoken about it for so long that it's locked away and not something she wants to discuss . Either way I'm sure she would be incredibly touched to know that she isn't alone.

Thanks for your kind posts.

Sorry I've not come back.

I chickened out. blush
I might do it for the next anniversary.

I agree that it might not be something she wants to talk about and make it more awkward.

I've no idea. I just keep thinking of how bad it must be for her. Especially now I have a child of my own - I can appreciate how bad it must be.

LoveAndDeath Sun 17-Nov-13 02:38:19

If you are going to do it next year, I would write a letter saying just exactly what you said there.
That now you have a child of your own you have an inkling of how bad it must be. Don't say you know, because to be honest, if you haven't lost a child, even if you have a child you don't know and hopefully never will. I had absolutely no idea until I lost my dd.
But do write the letter next year. One of the worst things is that anniversaries and birthdays go by and no-one remembers, even people who should. I am always so grateful to anyone who remembers dd's birthday or anniversary or says her name.

Mojito100 Fri 22-Nov-13 12:52:52

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you not to feel you could talk about it. You lost a sibling as well as your mother losing a child. Please don't feel you have to wait for the anniversary, however, I understand if you choose to. I think an acknowledgement at any time is greatly appreciated. I never know how to respond when someone comments on my loss so please don't think that an awkward or no response from your mum means it isn't appreciated. Sometimes it is just hard to say the right thing. The thing I found most comforting was just when someone acknowledged that they were sorry for my loss. This probably isn't appropriate/necessary in your situation, however, some sentiment like this would be welcomed I am sure. There is nothing more precious when someone other than myself remembers my beautiful child as it makes me feel like I am not the only person that still lives with her in my heart.

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