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I live far away from my dying father and have a young family....

(13 Posts)
nilbyname Mon 13-May-13 18:00:17

My dad was admitted to hospital on thursday, he has advanced lung cancer and was found unconscious in his bed at home, mum rushed him to hospital.

Since then he has had blood transfusions, saline, glucose and antibiotics. His kidney function although poor is a bit better, he has pneumonia. He had not been eating at home for about 3 weeks, and had been drinking very little. The DR says his conditional is stable but critical. They would not resuscitate. But in his current condition he could go on for a while...He has bed sores, he has no bowel control, he is visibly distressed and has a sedative to sleep at night. He cant talk, he is having difficulty breathing easily. It is fucking horrible.

I live in SW England, he and my mum are in Ayrshire, Scotland so a 8 hour drive or short flight. My kids are 4 and 19m. So a long drive with them on my own is not really doable, plus when I get there I can't go to the hospital with them its just too hectic. My DH is amazing and has been taking time off work to help me. I have flown up with just one of them, but again it is tricky with them at the hospital. We have no other family in Scotland or close friends who I can leave them with.

I have PILs who will help me if I were to leave the kids here with their dad/cm/pils/friends so that is an option, but I also work....

I have so far taken 1 weeks paid leave to be in Scotland with my dad (in addition to travelling up at the weekends with kids and DH by car) I have one more week paid leave to take which I am "saving" for the funeral. That sounds so morbid, but its the reality.

I dont know what to do for the best...I could ask for unpaid leave and leave my kids in Somerset and go. But we can't really afford that (paying for additional CM hours, flights etc). Or I just keep going up at weekends with DH and kids. But he is shattered and has a very full on job. His company have been understanding, but I am worried him.

Please tell me what to do for the best, what would you do?

I love my parents, but god forgive me, I want my dad to just slip away now. We have had 2 years of this.

Levantine Mon 13-May-13 18:16:07

I really feel for you, we have just had very similair, in fact my mil died of cancer just this morning.

Do you want to go on your own, to see him and spend some time with him, perhaps mentally saying goodbye?

Is your mum well supported, can you support her at a distance?

We didn't take kids when mil got to this stage. Could you fly up on your own at the weekend (s)? That's what we did, or rather DH did. Tough on whoever is at home and has kids full on at weekends, but it seemed the most workable solution.

Very sorry you are going through this, and sorry you're losing your dad. Totally understand the slipping away comment, .the last stages of cancer are grim

nilbyname Mon 13-May-13 18:54:09

Thanks levantine, I just feel so guilty and I am not able to give anyone the best of me right now, and I cannot make any decisions about anything.

Jinty64 Mon 13-May-13 19:27:42

Go to your GP and tell him/her how your struggling at the moment. Hopefully they will sigh you off for a couple of weeks or do work give carer leave? I presume you will get sick pay. Will you get some compassionate leave when he passes away?

nilbyname Mon 13-May-13 20:36:25

I have taken one week of compassionate leave and I am due another one paid.

I had thought about the gp route but it doesn't feel right.

This is so hard.

Thanks for your response though.

Levantine Mon 13-May-13 21:39:53

Have you any feeling of what you really want to do? Is there an expectation on you to be there all the time? Or some other expectation or pressure that you feel you can't fulfil?

Personally I don't think you can be expected to be there from now until the end because of the impact on your life/work/DCs. These things are very personal though. Do you think you should be?

I don't think I'm being very helpful, I just get a sense from your op that you might have more of an idea of what you want than you are able to articulate at the moment

nilbyname Tue 14-May-13 07:44:08

levantine I think I want to stay at home with my family. Both my kids need me, and I need them.

I am flying up on Thursday night till Monday and I think I will leave it for a couple of weeks. Talk to my mum about the amount of time I can reasonably spend. God it is hard.

Levantine Tue 14-May-13 21:35:43

I think that sounds fine. Then you can go up as many weekends as you like and perhaps take some compassionate leave later. Very sorry and I hope it isn't all too hard

nilbyname Tue 14-May-13 21:45:50

Thanks for talking to me, my dad died this afternoon and we are travelling up now. X

hellonewworld Tue 14-May-13 21:47:29

Personally I would take the week now and support your mum and spend the last bit of time you have left with him and I would feel less guilty than not being there when the time comes. Ultimately do what is best for you and your family right now.

Levantine Tue 14-May-13 21:47:54

Oh I'm very sorry to hear that. What a shock. Look after yourself x

hellonewworld Tue 14-May-13 21:48:11

Sorry posted message before you responded x

motherdaughter Tue 14-May-13 21:53:43

Nil sorry to hear your news.

Thinking of you.

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