To ask when this dark cloud will go away?

[FrillsandLaces]

I know it will.never go away properly, but when will it get easier? My baby boy died in March and I cant stop thinking about him. I cry everyday, I get angry everyday. I tey not to fall asleep anymore and end up doing all nighters because nearly every night i re live my labour and his funeral. Its like theres a thick fog and its choking me everyday.

Some days I feel so desperate, and so alone. I just cant see a future for myself anymore. I miss my little boy everyday, even though i only got to meet him for a short while.

Q lot of my friends are hqving babies at the minute and as mucg as i want to be hqppy for them i cant, im so jealous. It sickens me how jeqlous I am, I cant even be happy for my best friend.

When do you start to feel better? Or when do you at least get used to it? Its awful and im struggling tbh, some days i feel like i just cant cope anymore. Im tired and Im tired of this horrible feeling that follows me everywhere, when will it stop?

[Ilikethebreeze]

and

I dont have any experience, but am bumping this for you.

[MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel]

Oh Frills

I don't think you ever really feel 'better' or get used to losing your child, it is part of your reality now and I think you come to accept that at a point in time but it happens when it happens, its like asking how long a piece of string is.

I know you can't see a future for yourself now, but I promise you one day you will be able to look towards tomorrow, then eventually next week and next month, like anything it just takes time, you just have to be patient and process your feelings as they happen and not try to dismiss them because you want to feel better. You won't even notice yourself accepting that this is your life now, it happens so gradually, but in a few years time and you are looking back you will see it, its just hard to notice when you are actually living it.

I lost my son nearly 15 years ago now and I lost my daughter 6 years ago, and I still think of them every day and talk about them all the time and miss them every moment, and some days, even now, it hits me like a ton of bricks, but, for the most part I can look back and be grateful they touched my life, even for the short time they were with me. You will one day too.

For now, you need to make a plan when you are having one of your 'better' days. Email your friends who are pregnant or have had a baby recently and tell them how you are feeling and ask them to be patient with you, make some meals and freeze them so on one of your days where you can't function you can stick a healthy meal in the microwave, maybe talk to your work (if you work) and have a code word that you can say to them so you don't have to explain why you are taking the day off (I did this after I lost my daughter). In other words on the days you can function get prepared for the days you can't.

The biggest thing is to keep talking, don't hide your feelings away for fear of upsetting people, your son was here, he was real, and he will always be your son. Maybe talking to a counsellor is right for you, maybe it will be a family member or friend, but do talk.

Be gentle on yourself, I promise the dark cloud that you are living in just now will lift and become part of your sky when you are ready.

(((HUGS)))

[angelopal]

Sorry for your loss. I lost my baby 6 months ago and while it may not seem like it now it will get better. Just take each day one at a time. It's still early days. Have you contacted Sands? I have found it helps to talk to people who are in the same situation and not sure how I would have got through the first few months without that support.

[shellmck]

I lost my baby 3 weeks ago, we were 17 weeks. Im finding it hard to sleep and even harder to get up. I feel so sad and empty all the time, i really hope in time the pain will ease. My partners told me to see my gp but not one to ask for help. Maybe it would be the best.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I am so sorry - no one ever expects to find themselves where you are. I didn't. But when Mia died, and I really couldn't see any hope or light in my life, I simply had to trust in the words of other bereaved mothers like everlong and missy moo when they told me the raw grief would pass. I could not see it for myself. And they were right. You will never forget, and your love will always burn brightly.

Please know that you have other walking this 'crappy path' with you. You are not alone. X

[littlevictory]

I've stumbled across this page by accident...but I feel compelled to contribute to this deeply moving thread. I can relate to EVERY WORD here. I lost my daughter 11 years ago now, although it feels like yesterday in some respects, but a million years ago in others.

I can tell you that life definitely does get easier- and I'm talking from someone who was very, very, low. Don't get me wrong, I still get down, still weep uncontrollably at unexpected triggers, still feel like I 'bore' my friends and family after too much wine and STILL dream that I discover my little girl alive and well in the most realistic way imaginable.

But the raw, deep, dark, oppressive cloud does lift. It just takes time. You just have to open up, talk...and talk....and talk..and talk some more. If you have noone to talk to in your family or friends, then it seems like this network of caring, likeminded mums are a godsend!

My daughter died aged 12 months in a most tragic and unexpected way and the trauma I experienced then still comes back to bite me on the bum when I least expect it. I'm still scrambling around on the carpet, searching for my marbles! I channelled my grief into every avenue I could and made a radical change in my career.

I made a promise to my girl whilst visiting her in the chapel of rest, that I was going to make her proud. I work with people every day that have no idea what I have been through, what my 'other life' was like, because I probably come across as so together and professional, but it is my past and my love of my girl that gears me up and pushes me out the door every single day.

If you can find some laughter from your precious memories and humour from your 'crazy' state of mind, then the healing can begin. You MUST allow yourslef time to accept what has happened...it took me about 3 years to believe that Jas wasn't coming home!

WORDS TO PASS FORWARD:

It's only the lucky, chosen few who get to look after the most precious children before God calls them back...x

[matildawormwood]

I'm so sorry Frills. It will get easier I promise. My baby boy died a year ago and I just didn't know how I could carry on living without him. Of course, things don't ever really go back to how they were before, but I look back on those dark, early, gut-wrenching days and sleepless nights and know that I have come so far. You have survived this terrible, terrible first two months, it really doesn't get much worse than that, and you will find the strength to keep going, just take it one step at a time.
And know that you are not alone xx

[Rosduk]

I lost my son Thomas 2 hours after an emcs last nov. I still have very up and very down days, but the day to day part of life does get easier. I still get jealous and angry when I see pregnant women or newborns. My best friend was due 2 months after me, it killed me to meet her little boy but now, after a few months he is less associated with Thomas and just a little boy. Such a horrendous thing to go through but you arn't alone. X

[NeedToMoan]

Bless you, it's early days and I would say however you are feeling is absolutely fine, even the jealousy, so don't add guilt to the list of emotions. Just take each day as it comes x