When love just isn't enough- Saying goodbye to Beatrice.(1000 Posts)
Well, here I am, back on the Bereavement boards, just 13 months after we given the news at birth that Beatrice Primrose was very poorly and would pass away soon. So I say 'only' 13 months, but my God we squeezed a lifetime into that time.
Beatrice passed away at 10.20am today- she was 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day old.
She eventually died of respiratory failure, as we always knew she would. She'd been suffering for about 2 weeks with pneumonia and it all came to a head last night. She was on 10 litres oxygen but thrashing around in pain. She even cried out, which was very unusual. She was given morphine, and an hour later her respiratory effort decreased. We were moved into a side room and dh was called. He arrived with Bea's sisters, and I inadvertently called my mum's mobile by mistake too, so she turned up as well. The girls said goodbye, then went to sleep whilst the adults all watched and waited as Beatrice's breathing became more sporadic and laboured.
However, before too long, in true Bea style, her sats rose enough to begin registering again and I realised her respiratory effort was increasing. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief and at 7am dh woke the girls to take them home for school, my mum left and Beatrice and I moved back into HDU with Beatrice on 15 litres o2 and her sats hovering around 80%. I closed my eyes and slept until 8.30. On waking, I noticed Beatrice was the same, but I was overcome with an urge to cuddle her. So, I lifted her out of the cot and cuddled her to me. As I did so, her sats went into free-fall.
I watched the monitor as her numbers decreased and called the nurse over. She looked worried as Beatrice didn't respond to suction. A male nurse came in and began to resuscitate Beatrice with a bag and mask as 2 doctors appeared and helped with a jaw lift. It was at this point that I was advised to call dh to come back to the hospital, which I did. We moved back into the side room and the team continued to bag Beatrice until dh arrived. At this point, we chose for resuscitation to be withdrawn and to just give Beatrice the 15 litres of o2 through a mask and allow her to slip away.
Her heartbeat was still strong, but her breathing effort was laboured. We removed all Bea's monitoring tabs and sats probe and gave her a lovely warm wash. We dressed her in a brand new babygrow and I put her hair up in a little top side knot. At this point a nurse came in to check her breathing and dh and I cried and cried and cried. Just as the gaps in her breathing were getting wider, Bea's lovely CCN who has supported her and us since week 1 came into the room. I know I was howling at this point and gripping Beatrice to me like the precious bundle she was. Finally, dh kissed her head, and Beatrice squeezed my finger in response. At this point, she made two gurgling noises, and she was gone.
I can't really explain that pain. I guess my chest was physically aching. But a weird twist of anxiety that had formed in the pit of my stomach over the previous weeks suddenly disappeared.
Then it was all go really. Phone calls made, mum and PIL came in and broke their hearts. Dh collected girls from school as the nurse checked Beatrice for 'leakages'. We made the decision to drive Beatrice to the hospice in our car so for this we needed a special letter and had to inform the police- who knew it is illegal to drive with a dead body in your car? The nurses took finger and foot prints, and we chose a curly lock of hair to cut off and keep, and the hospital gave us a lovely wooden box to keep her momentos in.
Then the girls arrived, and we took them into a side room to break the news. I did the talking, blabbermouth, and just reminded them of what I told them a year ago- Beatrice had become too poorly. The doctors tried to help her but they couldn't, so she had to go to heaven. I reminded them that she was very poorly, and normally healthy children like them don't just go to heaven so they didn't need to be scared for themselves. Then we sang This Little Light of Mine because there's a verse we always sang to Beatrice- "If you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, tell those angels, I'm coming toosy toosy, children of the Lord". So we decided that Beatrice has gone to meet the angels, but warned them we're coming too one day! Then dd2 cried, but dd1 remained stoic.
We went back then to be with Beatrice and had our photos taken together. Then a couple of nurses came to say goodbye and we had to put Beatrice in her car seat (the law even when dead, again, who knew?)
We drove to the hospice and I held Beatrice's hand the whole way, although she was getting colder and colder. On arriving at the hospice, I was delighted to see the allocated carer was the first to book Beatrice in on her first stay back in February. We carried her to the Little Room, a chilled room where Beatrice can stay for 7 days. I tucked her up in a Moses basket with a blanket then we went out for a cup of tea and to begin the next chapter in our lives.
We were so pleased to find a family we became friends with from Lourdes are staying here, so we had cuddles and shared Bea stories while the girls cheerfully played with a helper.
After tea, I put the girls to bed and returned to the Little Room. I wrapped myself in a duvet and gave Beatrice a beautiful, long cuddle. She is so cold now and pale. BUT, her hair smells the same! It still smells like Beatrice, so I buried my face in in her curls, drank in the gorgeous scent and howled until my throat hurt. I rocked her and sang all her lullabies, then placed her back in the moses basket and said goodnight.
We asked for her feeding tube to be removed, and when dh went back over to see her, he confirmed they'd done this and took some beautiful pictures. My God, my girl is so adorable. So completely beautiful and at peace. She looks like a sleeping doll.
I'm in bed now. I've not slept properly for 48 hours, but I'm not even tired. I had a lump in my throat and I'm dreading tomorrow, I guess that's when the real hell starts.
I love you Beatrice, good night sweetheart.
I'm so so sorry. Sat here in floods of tears and said a little prayer for your beautiful little girl. Sending you strength to face the coming days. May she rest in peace. xxx
(( cup ))
No words will match yours.
I am holding you in my thoughts and hope your family will be able to hold each other and give each other strength.
Rest in peace, Beatrice Primrose, you little star x
You are an incredible woman. You should be immensely proud of the love and joy you have brought into that lovely little girls short life.
May you and your family find peace and strength to get through the hard times to come.
Goodnight beautiful Bea.
Rest in peace.
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, cup and family xxxx
Hi cupoftea, im a long time lurker, but your experience has compelled me to delurk temporarily, i can't imagine how you are feeling or even how you are managing to carry on, im absolutely howling with tears at your story and just want to cuddle you. im so sorry that anyone has to ever go through this, its just wrong on so many levels. Good night Beatrice sleep well x
I'm so very sorry Cup. I'm in tears reading as well.
Sleep easy, little Bea.
I'm so sorry to be reading this. Much love to you and your family. Xx
I have been a long time lurker on SN boards and have been following your posts. I was just looking at the photos of beautiful Beatrice this morning when I saw your dreadfully sad note pop up. Am so sorry and thank you for sharing Beatrice's life with us. Your OP on here is so poignant - sleep tight little one and to all the teaset xx
I've just looked at your profile photos- your little girls are absolutely beautiful and joy shines out from the pictures
What a beautiful heart felt post, full of love for your adorable little girl.
I have read your threads from the start, not always posting, but always thinking of you all. I hope Beatrice is now safe and painfree, looked after until you can be with her once more.
You, your DH and your girls are in my thoughts x
I'm so sorry. I can't see for tears. Thinking of you and your beautiful little girl xxx
What beautiful words for your beautiful girl. I am so so sorry for your loss
So very sorry Cupoftea. The love your family has shines through in both your post and beautiful photos. Thinking of you all.
I'm so sorry. Words feel so, insignificant but your beautiful girl knew she was loved every second of her short, precious life. Sleep well little one.
Thinking of you, your beautiful girl and the rest of your family xx
Oh goodness your posthas broken my heart so I cannot even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I am so sorry for your terrible loss, I truly am xxx
I am so sorry about your loss, reading your words had me in tears.
I can't imagine the tragedy you are going through, but I am thinking of you, your dh and your beautiful girls.
Sending you lots of hugs.
I'm so sorry for you loss, there are no words to help you and your family but sending you so much love xx
So very sorry, your love for your beautiful Beatrice with those amazing eyes shines through in every word of your op, Cup.
Wishing peace and love to you and your family.
Have only lurked before but what an inspiration little Bea is. Sweet dreams little one and hush to you cup and your family x
Cup I have sat this afternoon and read through all your threads. Throughout I've seen the love you have for Bea and your family and your determination to look after Bea to the best of your ability and you have done that so, so well.
I am so sorry for your loss. Try to get some rest and let the Hospice help you as they know only too well what you're going through.
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