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Bereavement

It's his birthday today

35 replies

MummyOnTheLoose · 29/09/2012 09:04

My son would be fourteen today. He was killed in a crash when he was five. I know it's been so long, but it still hurts. He was travelling home from swimming with his friend in his friend's car, and a drunk driver crashed. His friend lost his arm and my son was killed.

I know it was nearly nine years ago, but it still hurts a lot, knowing that he'd always be five. I know the boy who lost his arm, and I know a few friends with 14yr old boys, and they're starting GCSEs, and whatever. Most of them have girlfriends, some of them play football, one of them plays cricket for the county in his age group, one of them's Gifted. They're all doing things, and my son could have been doing that, but he isn't because of a drunk driver.

I've got some old friends who were there to help me nine years ago, and they send birthday cards for him every year, and I know it sounds stupid, but I love having the cards for him, in fact, our counsellor reccommended not discouraging it. They know I don't want to play down his birthday and just like with my other kids, they recognise his special day.

My mother has already made it wrong. She woke me up with a text at six, to ask if I could come round to pick up the cat, because she was jetting off to the Carribean. I guess I'm just feeling annoyed- she knew it was a special day, I even texted her back to say 'it's Benjy's birthday today' and she never replied, she wasn't even thinking about him, but was going on a holiday we couldn't afford.

I didn't even know she was going on holiday, if she'd told me, I'd have picked the cat up the day before- or asked if someone could look after it for a day, leave out food, water and have the cat-flap or whatever, and I could look after it after today- I just want this day to be about him and my family, and my friends, going down to the nature reserve where we scattered his ashes, having a picnic, walking the dog, spending time together- no hassle, having a cake or some cupcakes, and in the afternoon, we'll go to the zoo, because we have a little plaque up next to the lion enclosure, to remember him (at the age of five, his three life ambitions were: to be a train driver, to have twenty one kids and to have a pet lion) and just do stuff without bothering about anyone else.

Even though they never met him, DD2 and my younger son understand that their big brother was born today, and even if they hadn't met him, they understand that I want to have people like my mother acknowledge it. My three year old woke me up to say 'happy bir'day Benjy' with a hand drawn card- and my mother can't even manage saying 'are you okay? do you need help?'

DD1 was three when he was killed, and she remembers him well for someone that age when he died. When he died, she went to play therapy, directive play therapy, because of the death, but also because she had this obsession with being on time. The friend was a few minutes behind schedule to drop him off, and if they'd been on time, he'd be alive- though someone else could well be dead, and it doesn't matter anymore, she always likes structures and schedules and being on time, even now, so we always add a bit of structure to today to help her- and my mother's just thrown our plans because she lives an hour away. I have to support DH and DD1 and myself- and I can't do that.

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cogitosum · 29/09/2012 09:12

No experience but didn't want to read and run. Benjy sounds great (as do your other children) I don't know much about it but think that remembering his birthday the way you do is lovely

Is it possible your mum goes away to make it more bearable for her? (not that that would make it ok as she should be supporting you)

Anyway lots of hugs. You sound incredible xxx