My mum died just over a week ago. She'd had alzheimers for a very long time and she was in the very late stages when she died. Whilst she was alive I think I found it very difficult to handle seeing her deteriorate and also I did not get on with my dad at all and so these combined put me off going hom to see her esp in the early stages. I have 3 sisters and a brother and the youngest lived at home until about 3 years ago so she did have people there but I now feel totally devastated that I did not spend more time with my mum when she was well. We did have an amazing relationship when I was younger and she was the most loviest, kind, generous mum I could have ever wished for. Why did I not o ome more often? I was a uni during those years and having fun was more important. She would have loved me to come and take her out to places or just sit in and watch tv with her and in those early stages when there was she was still there I should have been these all the time and getting the best out of her and making her happy like she made me when we were young and having a relationship with her. I cannot even remember the last proper conversation we had or the last time we laughed together. My beautiful mum and I abandoned her when she needed me he most as I know she was scared of what was happening and my dad was not at all supportive Until the later years as I think he dealt with it very badly as well. I should have been there for her instead of being so selfish and haing fun with friends at uni.
I feel completely consumed with grief and regret and have not been able to stop crying for the last two days nor sleep or eat. My DH does not know what to do wth me I don't think and I am struggling to find the energy to look after our DS who is only 2. I have spoken to my sisters and they all say the same that mum would not have wanted me to feel like this and would have wanted me to have fun at uni but all I can think of is how much I wish I could turn he clock back and change things or have one last conversation with her or just tell her about my life and ask her about hers. I did start to visit home twice a week again after I realised how bad she was getting and I used to take her swimming until she could not swim anymore but even at this stage whilst we had bits of conversation it was not the same. How long will this feeling of regret stay with me as its killing me?
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Bereavement
Mum died wth alzheimers and filled with regret
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mylittlemonkey · 13/05/2012 06:34
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