I feel so sad

(23 Posts)
KurriKurri Fri 20-Apr-12 22:34:23

My darling dad died just before Christmas. He was 91 (he died the day after his birthday) and had been ill for some time.

I thought I was coping reasonably well, but lately I've just felt such a deep sadness, I feel as if it will never go away, and I can't talk to anyone about it. I loved him so much, and the world seems so empty without him.

Does this feeling last forever? I want to have happy memories of him, but I can't get past the grief, I feel as if there's a big hole in my heart, I don't know what to do to get past this feeling.

OP’s posts: |
MrsShitty Fri 20-Apr-12 22:51:14

Ah Kurri it's such early days...91 or not he was your Dad and I know how much I miss mine even though he has been gone for more than 10 years.

The feeling doesn't last forever no....when I began to feel better I could look back and think "Well that was DREADFUL!" but I sort of had no idea HOW dreadful until it all lifted a bit.

It took me about one full year for things to lift a tiny bit and about two before i could enjoy remembering him. I do enjoy remembering him and talking about him still...I miss him of course...sometimes I get a sadness when something he would have liked heppens...or I think about how much he would have loved the internet! Silly things.

Not silly...just there.

All I can say is that you can't really do anything about it...except maybe talk about him to someone who knew him? Just a sentence now an then helps.

KurriKurri Fri 20-Apr-12 23:18:02

Thank you for answering MrsShitty (your name has made me smile smile).

It helps to know it's normal to feel like this. I feel as if people think that because he was very old, I shouldn't feel so sad, because death is hardly unexpected in elderly people. But he had been part of my life for so long, and he was so lovely and funny and such a good man, he would do anything to help other people, and go to the ends of the Earth to help out his family. I miss him so much.

Its good to know you can remember your dear dad with happiness now. smile

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mummylin2495 Fri 20-Apr-12 23:37:03

I too am feeling like you.i lost my mum a 7 weeks before xmas.I was then kept very busy as my brother and i were executors for mums estate.Three weeks ago the house sale was finalised.Now i feel so lost and today is mums birthday.I still feel like its all a bad dream and its not a reality.You are not alone and yes your dad and my mum had long lives but it makes no difference to the people who loved them.We will get through this and we can be happy again.

maybeyoushoulddrive Fri 20-Apr-12 23:39:52

Sorry about your Dad KurriKurri. My Mum died in February and it all feels very unreal just now, life is going on and I can't really understand how it can IYSWIM?

Someone on here mentioned the stages of grief - I googled it - and it has helped me to realise that any way we grieve is OK and that there is an onward journey through it, when it eventually becomes easier to bear. Take care of yourself, it's a horrible thing to go through, he sounds like a lovely dad smile

chipmonkey Fri 20-Apr-12 23:41:02

Doesn't matter what age, really. Your Dad is your Dad, someone who was always there and then suddenly they're not. You probably should be glad he had a "good innings" IYKWIM but it doesn't lessen the grief.

KurriKurri Fri 20-Apr-12 23:51:11

thank you all.

Mummylin and maybe - I'm so sorry you are both going through this too and have both lost your dear mums so recently. I think all the 'official' things you have to do when someone dies do make you go into a sort of automatic coping state because you have to, and then it hits you when everything has settled down a bit.

I will google the stages of grief maybe , thank you.

Thank you chipmonkey for answering, he did have a good innings, and I feel grateful for that, but as you say it doesn't lessen the grief.

But it helps to talk about him on here smile

take care everyone. Mummylin, today must be especially hard for you xx

OP’s posts: |
madasa Sat 21-Apr-12 07:14:21

So sorry for your loss.....your dad sounds like he was a lovely man. I don't think it matters how old he was...he was your dad and you loved him, it's as simple as that.

I lost my precious dad at the end of October and I feel much like you. I am trying to deal with my dad's estate , house sale etc. on top of my grief....today I am cancelling estate agents and staying in my bed!

Thinking of you today Mummylin, a hard day for you.

Thinking of you too maybe

We will all get through this (did that sound confident??) we can help each other xx

KurriKurri Sat 21-Apr-12 13:38:06

Thank you madasa - I'm so sorry to hear you lost your dad very recently too.
I know what you mean about all the legal things, there is a lot of stuff to do with the estate, it somehow stops you being able to grieve properly.

My mum is still alive - she will be ninety in June, so I worry a lot about how she is coping, whether she's eating properly and so on, obviously she is very lost without Dad. She wants to sell her house and move somewhere smaller, so I'm trying to help her sort stuff out, - but clearing out possessions is a painful process. And I don't live all that near so there is travelling involved. I feel as if I don't have space to just think.

lots of love to you, mummylin and maybe - thanks for being there to talk - you are all so kind, especially when you are struggling yourselves xx

OP’s posts: |
chipmonkey Sun 22-Apr-12 20:06:10

Kurri, with regard to the legal stuff, try not to get overwhelmed. Have a list and do one thing at a time. Going through his things will be tough, as it can bring back so many memories. Is your Mum able to care for herself? Is there a friendly neighbour nearby who could pop in on her? My Mum was only 59 when my Dad died so no health issues but she missed him dreadfully and her lovely neighbours were so kind and kept an eye out for her. It was a relief as all of us live far away and we still worry about her being on her own.

maybeyoushoulddrive Mon 23-Apr-12 13:39:59

Hi, how are you all doing? Have been thinking of everyone - it's nice to know I'm not alone going through this, but sad that so many of us are grieving for our parentssad

I've just been speaking to Dad on the phone. He's so hard to talk to, I had long phone calls with Mum most days, but dad just isn't good on the phone and TBH hasn't a lot to talk about. He tells me all about the seeds he's planted and how many times he's walked the dog and not much else... He really could do with joining some kind of club to mix with real people rather than spending hours on the computer.

The distance thing is really hard isn't it? I feel I should be with Dad, but I have a dh and dd here (we're about 4h 30m from him) It's nice that your Mum's neighbours were supportive chipmonkey. I think I should give our number to Dad's neighbours just incase...

KurriKurri Mon 23-Apr-12 14:47:00

Hello all. I hope everyone is having a better day today smile

chipmonkey - you are right about the legal stuff. It is just a question of getting through it. We've done most of the things to do with mum's pension, attendance allowance, etc. and she wanted to sell off some shares to pay for the funeral and so on. - Nothing major, but just a lot of filling in forms. She has had help from a charity organisation who help elderly people with that sort of thing, and they've been very good.

My mum has lots of friends in the village and nearby town - but unfortunately many of them are now very elderly and not so mobile, and sadly several have passed away recently. But she has a good friend close by who takes her out for coffee. Also one of my sisters lives near so can help with shopping etc. and general checking on her.

It's lovely that your Mum has good neighbours to keep an eye on her smile

maybe - it sounds as if your Dad is feeling a bit lost too, perhaps there is a gardening club he could join if he's interested in plants, - perhaps he'll gradually feel a bit more like venturing out and socialising, - it's early days for you all.

love to all xx

OP’s posts: |
chipmonkey Mon 23-Apr-12 19:44:25

Oh yes, do make sure the neighbours have your number. Or have your Mum put it in a visible spot beside her own phone if anyone needed to call. Same for your Dad, maybe.
Actually, I think in a way, men who are widowed seem a lot more helpless than women a lot of the time ( gross generalisation there!) Women tend to be more involved in the community and have a better network in place, friends to meet up with etc. My Mum was involved in a local market, she used to bake bread and make jam for it and had lots to keep her busy which really did help.

maybeyoushoulddrive Tue 24-Apr-12 12:18:49

Morning allsmile

Kurri I think that is the problem with aging - unfortunately illness or deaths of friends can curtail socialising. It must be quite depressing and has made me more aware of elderly people living in our village, although fortunately we have quite good opportunities for getting out and about. There is a day centre which always seems to be busy and special buses which can be booked for hospital visits/trips into the nearby town etc. It must get lonely thoughsad

I agree with you chipmonkey about it generally being harder for men. Mum had friends at church etc whereas Dad was happy just having Mum and us to stay... The house feels very peculiar now it's just Dad there, and it must be terribly quiet for him... I wish he would join a gardening club. I suggested getting an allotment but I think he thought that might be too much physically for him (he had a heart attack last year so has definitely slowed up a bit).

Vixter239 Tue 24-Apr-12 12:35:31

Hi Kurri, sorry to hear your news, and for the grief of everyone on this thread.
It doesn't seem possible, but it will get easier. It wont be a case of waking up one morning and life is normal again, because that just doesn't happen I'm afraid. He was your dad, you loved him more than you thought possible, and now you miss him more than you thought possible. That's totally normal. He was 91 - that's so many memories! Maybe you could make a memory book for him (and yourself.) Scribble down stories you shared, photo's, stories he told you, the wisdom he passed on. They dont all have to be happy memories - if he ever grounded you for what you thought was a minor infraction, put that in there! the times he made you smile, cry, angry - it's all part of your relationship. you've already built a beautiful history together, you can honour him by writing it down, make it come alive again.
I wont lie, it'll hurt like hell to do it because it will make you feel the loss more keenly, but it should also help you heal, especially when you read it back in years to come.
Be at peace with what's happened and remember him fondly. Thinking of you. x

mummylin2495 Tue 24-Apr-12 13:19:02

I found the legal stuff all very hard and thank god for my brother who had done it all before when his mum in law died.I just kept signing forma and producing identification for banks etc,Then we had to swear on oath to have probate granted.Its all so complicated and i would never have got through all of this on my own. sadly our other siblings left it to us to also sort out the house sale and do all the emptying too which was so hard,especially when you foundlittle bits ofpaper which mum had written something on ,i also found a letter which mum had lef for us wich was lovely / sad at the same time .My other brother read it out at the funeral.Now we just have to wait about 3 more weeks for mums headstone and that will be the final thing.I am now finding myself going over the last time i saw mum when i had no idea that it would be the last time[ she was not expected to die] and so i have now gone back to day 1 all over again.Mums birthday was 20th April and the company that mum worked for years ago sent her a birthday card !! even though someone from there was at her funeral.that was very upsetting too.

maybeyoushoulddrive Tue 24-Apr-12 13:36:17

Oh sad mummylin Things like that can really tip you over the edge... Try to be kind to yourself - there are so many 'firsts' and anniversaries to get through.

The paperwork is horrible, also I've found it strange to know so much about my parents' private affairs. Mum was a very private person - I now feel I know a bit too much IYKWIM? But all of her funeral was based around little things she'd written in various notebooks, she 'chose' her own hymns, poems etc which was lovely.

chipmonkey Tue 24-Apr-12 13:43:43

Mummylin, that's when you realise how impersonal these systems are, the company computer probably selected her name and no human being saw fit to oversee it!

Kurri, I hope you don't mind but my dd died last October and yesterday we had to have a "second burial" of sorts ( won't go into detail, it's a long story!) But the chaplain read this lovely poem at her graveside, I thought I'd share it with you. I have replaced my dd's name with "Dad"

Reflection : A Message from Dad

I’ll be in the breeze that rustles in the trees
When Autumn days are here.
The first Winter snowflake which falls in this place
Will just be me kissing your face.

When light gentle raindrops fall on your brow
I’ll be whispering ‘I’m with you now’
The sunshine that bathes you in its warm Summer glow
Will just be me kissing you so.

And when Spring comes around, I’ll be easily found
In the flower you hold in your hand.
So whatever the season, please don’t be sad.

So grieve awhile for me, then let your grief be comforted
by trust that we will meet again. Bless the memories within
your heart, I won’t be far away, for life goes on, and if you
need me, call and I will come. Though you cannot see me,
I’ll be near with all my love around you, soft and clear.
And then, when you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and I’ll welcome you home.

KurriKurri Tue 24-Apr-12 15:45:24

Oh Chipmonkey, you have made me cry - but in a good way smile - what a beautiful poem, and thank you so much for sharing it with me, especially when it must be so special for you.

I'm so sorry about your DD, yesterday must have been very hard for you, I wish you peace and strength to help you through your sorrow. xx

Mummylin - the card must have been hard to cope with - it feel like such a jolt when something like that happens. Finding the letter from your mum must have been bittersweet, but something to treasure in your memories of her.

Vixter - thank you for your reply, - I think the memory book is a wonderful idea, I have lots of things I could put in there, - just little things I remember and love about my Dad. I will put Chipmonkey's poem in there too. smile

Maybe - Going through someone else's private things is very tough, - we have some old diaries and letter of my Dad's which he kept when he was a Prisoner of War as a very young man - all his thoughts and feelings -and it did feel intrusive but at the same time I felt closer to him too.

When my Dad went into hospital three weeks before he died, my grown up DS sent him a card, which brought my Mum a lot of comfort - we read what he had written in it at Dad's funeral.

'Dear Grandad, I have a photo of you on my wall, I look at it every day and I feel so proud to be your grandson. It inspires me to live my life the way you have lived yours, with dignity and integrity. I love you Grandad.'

xx

OP’s posts: |
chipmonkey Tue 24-Apr-12 15:52:48

I'm glad you like it Kurri.
Your ds sounds lovely btw!

maybeyoushoulddrive Tue 24-Apr-12 20:32:49

Made me cry too! Lovely lovely words. Sometimes it's a relief to cry, gets some of the emotion out a bit...

What a lovely letter from your ds Kurri - such important words which often aren't saidsmile

Vixter - I like the idea of the memory book too. There are so many things which could go in...it might have to be a box!

mummylin2495 Tue 24-Apr-12 22:01:50

chipmonkey i am so sorry to see that you are grieving too.Thankyou for taking the time to post to try and lift our spirits.You have my deepest sympathy and i too was very touched by the lovely poem.

madasa Tue 24-Apr-12 22:32:17

Those are lovely words Chipmonkey....thank you for sharing.

I hope you are ok mummylin, the legal stuff is hard work isn't it? Our solicitor has had to leave before my dad's estate has been finalised. he was very good but the new one hasn't responded to my e-mails and it is so frustrating.

I spent a quiet hour tonight in the kitchen making a memory box for my dad's things...cards, letters, his driving licence, bookmark etc. etc. I'm not particularly artistic but it was very cathartic. Haven't finished it yet...a work in progress.

I spent a long time just staring out at the dark dark clouds ...just trying to feel him and I couldn't ...that made me so sad sad

Thinking of you all xx

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