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I lost two brothers. How do I talk to my mum about them?

(7 Posts)
Sleepglorioussleep Sat 15-Oct-11 20:54:59

Both babies. We don't talk about it in our family and my mother's life has been dreadful. I don't remember it much and I haven't thought about it much. But recently I have. I am scared to talk to my mother as I don't know how much emotional reserve to deal with opening up the subject I have at the moment-small baby and two dc as well. But I wonder what I can do to start to build bridges with my mum who has lost two other children and although we're in contact, me too really, because her mental health issues mean that I can't trust her or rely on her so I share little with her. Despite all that, I know that with such tragedy, it must be hard to get up each day and have compassion for her. What little things can I do to show her I care? Given that I find even telling her about little things in my life a big deal? And do you think somewhere inside losing my brothers is more meaningful to me than I credit myself with?

fidelma Sat 15-Oct-11 22:44:39

what age were they and what age were you when it happened?

Sleepglorioussleep Sun 16-Oct-11 08:09:34

I was three and six, they were one and eighteen months. So I guess one more toddler than baby.

fidelma Sun 16-Oct-11 09:52:27

I would think that is significant.They were both there for quite a while then they were gone.I am sure you have moved on but what you have done with your lose I don't know.

Do you have any other siblings that you can share with?

I would start with baby steps. You need to build up a loveing relationship with your mum.

Try and build bridges.Could you start calling her more or seeing her more.It doesn't need to be for long but just start to move the relationship forward.Try and tell her something about you/the dc eg.we did this today,keep it light.Be interested in her,ask her some easy questions."what did you do today?" "how was that for you" try not to react to what she says other than to acknowlage (sp?) how it was for her.Try and be nutural.

Try and give her an act of love.Drop in with some flowers,chocolates whatever floats her boat.Be generous with your love, you sound the strong one.

Don't react just reflect.

You both sound like you could use some love and understanding.

Sleepglorioussleep Sun 16-Oct-11 15:13:13

I guess that's the way to do it. Makes me tense up though. There's such a lot of baggage. And although I know the reasons why life has been so hard to deal with, my mum has so often let me down that I hardly know whether to try all this again. My sister has cut her out altogether but that seems so wrong to me.

fidelma Sun 16-Oct-11 23:09:59

Sounds like you need alot of support to cope with this relationship. I am no expert.
Do you have a supportive partner?
Do you feel strong enough to work at this?
Can you manage your expectations (expect nothing)?

start very small,just phone her and have a breeze chat! wink

when I find things hard I do breeze LOL!

My dm takes the Piss out of us all in the school playground being breeze!

Sleepglorioussleep Mon 17-Oct-11 08:18:44

Yes-dh very understanding and supportive. He has come to understand over the years why it's difficult-it's hard to see from the surface as my mother is a complex character. Talked to him last night and he said to remember how far it's come. But also reminded me gently of why I've put boundaries in place. So perhaps the small talk calls will come. I do think we might bot ever get to the big stuff. I think the raking over process might ultimately be healing but too big a wound to inflict right now. She has visits, I do small talk then, she sees her grandchildren and i do my best to listen to her version of how she was as a mother without hurting her with mine. A weekend of reflection but ultimately I think I'm doing my best. Weird how chatty phone calls just tip me over.

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