Baby boy :(

[kirstymh]

I was induced 2 days ago following a late termination at 26 weeks as my baby boy was found to have so much brain damage he wouldnt have survived birth. I now have to start thinking about the funeral and I dont even know where to start with it all!!!! I feel so numb and empty and all I want to do is climb into bed and hide under the duvet but I know deep down that if I dont do this one last thing for him then I will regret it. Any advice from anyone who has had to arrange their own child's funeral and how did you get through it???? :(

[HumphreyCobbler]

I am so sorry.

We had to arrange our son's funeral, who was born at 21 weeks due to a condition incompatible with life.

We wanted it to be private for us only. we arranged flowers from all those people had sent us when they heard the news and tied them up with ribbon for him. We chose two items of music which were played at the crematorium. My DH carried him into the service and the hospital chaplain arranged some readings and spoke to us gently.

I remember the feeling of unreality that swept over me when I was tying up his flowers.

Remember there are no wrong decisions, whatever you decided will be right for you and your son. It was one of the hardest days I have ever lived through but I am so glad we gave him a funeral. The Health authority paid the costs also, I don't know if that is the case everywhere.

Again, I am so sorry to hear your life.

[HumphreyCobbler]

of course that should read your loss

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

Kirsty.

I have never experienced the loss of a child, but wanted to send you my love and thoughts.

Take things slowly though and don't expect too much.

I'm sure somebody more helpful will be along soon.

xx

[goingdownhill]

Hi,

Firstly I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I really and truly understand how you are feeling. We lost our dd2 Alexandra in January. She had brain abnormalities that were so severe we went through a late termination at 27 weeks.

We had a full funeral for her, although it was hard I felt really strongly that I wanted her acknowleged as a proper person. I would find an undertaker that you feel comfortable with. They will guide you through all the things that have to be done and all the decisions that have to be made. I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with and whatever you feel you can cope with. All the people you love will support you through the day. It is awful but I felt it was one thing as a mum I could do for her and control.

I am sending you so much love. I know the pain you are going through is awful. I can say eight months later things are still hard but that intense agony of the early days does get easier.

Please PM me if you need to talk.

xx

[eaglewings]

I am so sorry to hear about your sons death. What a horrendous time for you.

I have never been through this, but friends have and I have taken services for babies born so early

There are some books we have used, your local Vicar should have access to some resources, but most importantly come along side you as you grieve and plan.

If you are not religious I would have thought that Sands would have some ideas on their website

Hug and prayers

[Hulababy]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son :(

[kirstymh]

Thank you. I think I am just panicking that there is so much to get organised and I guess quite scared to do it as it will seem like I finally have to let go of him and I'm not sure I am ready to do that.....but I guess that is something that no one is ever ready for

[frostyfingers]

I've never been in your position, and I'm so sorry for your loss and the sense of devastation you must feel. You sound as though you are feeling a bit rushed into make a decision or organising things - I hope this isn't the case, finding an undertaker who you feel comfortable with would I'm sure ease some of the pressure, perhaps the hospital can recommend someone.

Make sure you take some time for yourself.

[janedoe25]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. My daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks in February. I will not lie that her funeral was one of the hardest things I have had to get through, but I done it for Zoe. Like the poster above a good funeral director will talk you through most things, we went with the cooperative funeral directors, they were fantastic and everything was free of charge. You have to do what you and dh want, take it one hour/day at a time don't rush any decisions. Most importantly you will get through it and you will have a funeral to make your baby boy very proud of his fantastic parents. I hope you have some gentle days ahead. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk. My thoughts are with you. x

[Whatevertheweather]

Hi Kirsty I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Would you like to tell us about him? I lost my daughter Erin in August this year so unfortunately I have very recent experience of arranging a baby's funeral. Like Janedoe we also used the cooperative and they were excellent and talked us through every step of the way.

Do you have any specific questions about the funeral arrangements? Am happy to answer them on here or via pm. We opted for a church service with music (not hymns) that we chose and Erins grandma read some prayers and her grandad wrote and read a poem for her, we then had her buried and her older sister let off a dove for peace. We asked all of our family and close friends but it is very personal how many people you want there. We visited Erin every day in the chapel of rest including the night before the funeral where we placed her in the casket ourselves with some teddies, a blanket and a picture of all of us together. I'm glad we did that as i like knowing we were the very last people to touch her and that I know exactly how she is laid. Again it won't be for everyone but a good funeral director should allow you the chance to do that if you want to. We gave people the choice between sending flowers or making a donation to Sands if they wanted to do something.

Do you have good RL support? I can't lie it's been the worse 6 weeks of our lives but we are still standing. Keep talking it really does help xx

[BonnieWeeJeannieMcCall]

So sorry, Kirsty.

I also found the funeral directors very helpful. Our son was at the funeral directors between his death and the funeral, but he came home for the funeral as we had the funeral service at home, in our living room, close family only. Our church would have seemed too big and empty for such a small group. Also, we wanted him to come home, however briefly. We went from our home to the cemetary, where's he's buried in the stillbirth section.

[dottynosleep]

I'm so sorry :(

We lost a little boy in pregnancy (earlier than you - 17 weeks - at our hospital all babies >16 weeks are buried or cremated & the hospital arrange it all if the parents don't want to be involved), the hospital bereavement service & midwives helped arrange the funeral. I was so shocked that I can't remember much about it.

We had ds buried because they said that they were unlikely to have ashes because he was tiny - I needed something physical & thought having a grave would help. In the end I found the grave very traumatic - it is too public for me to grieve & in the 'baby garden' which gives me nightmares.

ds' body stayed in the hospital for about a week I think (for post mortem) then went to the funeral directors. We had his coffin at home with us the night before the funeral I was desperate to bring him home. We had flowers that our family had picked from their gardens & chose readings. I remember they provided this huge funeral car & I thought it was so sill for tiny coffin. I carried him in the end.

There wasn't any charge for it - they usually don't charge for babies.

[kirstymh]

Well I have finally plucked up the courage to do it - I have an appointment with the funeral directors today to get things started. I just dont want to say goodbye to my little boy and even thinking about it hurts :( I like the idea of having him at home the night before the funeral so I have one final night of being close to him. We have decided on a cremation - like you dottynosleep I think I would find a grave too traumatic.
Thank you to all of you who replied and wrote about your own experiences it has been a real help and comfort to me and my heart goes out to each of you xxx

[MamaMaiasaura]

couldn't read this and not leave a post. I just wanted to say I hope that today goes ok at funeral directors. Thinking of you and your baby son x

[Whatevertheweather]

Good luck today Kirsty. It will be hard but I got through because it was the only thing I could do for Erin and I wanted to make it just right for her. They will talk to you about caskets and may even show you some just to pre warn you as it was quite a shock to actually see it. That sounds lovely if you could have him home for a night. I would have liked to but I think it would have been too confusing for my elder dd. Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes and if you have any questions at all just ask xx

[janedoe25]

kirsty I hope things went as well as they could today. I am still thinking of you. xx

[kirstymh]

Today went better then what I thought it would. We got everything organised and the lady at the funeral directors couldnt have been nicer - nothing was too much trouble and she even cried with us when we got upset. The funeral is booked for the 17th October so we have a bit of time to try to prepare ourselves emotionally before it starts all over again! I so desperately want to read a poem at the funeral but not sure if I will be able to hold myself together - at least there will only be a few people at the funeral so if I dont manage to do it I know someone who will take over for me.
We have chosen two songs to be played and one of them is the song we have chosen for our first dance at our wedding - we wanted it to be played at the funeral and at the wedding so that Thomas could be with us in some way on our wedding day as he should have been.
My OH has found today extremely tough to deal with - he has been in tears most of the day and keeps saying that he shouldnt have to be arranging his son's funeral. I guess grief has finally hit him and it was my turn to be strong for him. But in a way it was a good thing for both of us - he needed to let his emotions out and I stayed in control to organise the things that needed doing.....not sure it will be the same story on the 17th though!!!

[HumphreyCobbler]

kirstymh, I am glad you have been able to make some decisions. It is so hard, I know. And your DH is right. No one should have to organise their own child's funeral. But I am glad I have the memories of our son's funeral, it feels comforting now (five years on) to know that we did that for him.

The poem and the music are a lovely idea.

[Whatevertheweather]

Glad today went better than expected. Well done you and dp. It was about a 10 day wait for Erins as well but you are right it gives you time to think and organise it the way you want. It would be awful to rush things and regret it later. Have you chosen a poem you'd like to read. My sister read 'When tomorrow starts without me' she did it so well and through a lot of tears. Another lovely one someone sent me was this:

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies’lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
if you just give me a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mummy and daddy's hearts.
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
we’ll never truly part.

I think grief does come in waves and it's so good you are able to support your dp when he was hit by it. How are you recovering physically?

One phrase that really stuck with me is 'one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe' one of the amazing ladies from the bereaved mum's thread posted that to me and I found saying that to myself when things really felt they were getting on top if me helped. The next few days will feel totally surreal. I cannot count the amount of times I have said ' I just cannot believe this'.

Take care, be gentle on yourselves. Do you have good support in RL?

xx

[kirstymh]

The footprints poem is the one I had already chosen to read! I like to think that our little thomas is with us always and that poem summed it up for me.

Physically I have recovered well. I got upset yesterday in the bath when I looked down and my stomach was flat. Most women dont want stretch marks but I do as it would have been a constant reminder that for a very short time I was a mum :(

We have amazing support from my parents (although I dont like to burden them too much) We also have a couple of friends who have been and continue to be fantastic. One of them would have been Thomas's godmother although she doesnt know that as we never got a chance to ask her. I would like to tell her but not sure how it would make her feel and I dont want to make anyone upset.

Other friends have pretty much avoided us.....anyone would think we have leprosy!! I know its hard for them as they dont know what to say but its got to the point where they dont even say hello on Facebook anymore :(

We have lots of support from the midwives who call or visit us every day and we now almost think of them as friends as when they visit its cups of tea, cakes and lots of gossiping about things going on as well as talking about the baby. Its a normality that I crave at the moment and that is seriously lacking from our other friends.

The hardest part is seeing what it is doing to my OH. He suffers from a mental illness and usually it is managed effectively with medication and me looking after him (I am his full time carer) So far he has managed to hold himself together with only the occasional blip but he needs contact with our friends and neither know what to say to the friends who have walked away from us :(

Ok....thats enough early morning rambling from me - I talk a lot in RL so put me in front of a keyboard with no interruptions and I am ten times worse :)

[Sarahplane]

So sorry for your loss. I think that's a beautiful poem you have chosen.

[sayithowitis]

Kirsty, you will always be a mum, it's just that your DS is with you in spirit rather than in body.