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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Step-dad died today. It's just so shit.....

12 replies

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 22/09/2011 19:33

He just battled cancer for a year and was given the all clear just last week, then today he has a heart attack and dies.

He and mom are in London, my partner works in London so has gone to be with her. My little brother doesn't know yet and I'm 4 hours away in Devon with 2 young children and absolutely no-one to talk to.

I just feel so helpless, I keep bursting into tears, my 2 year old doesn't understand but keeps giving me cuddles. I can't talk to my partner coz he's with my mum. I just want to hug her, god what must she be feeling? They've been together 14yrs and only recently got married.

One son in bed, the other going soon. Then what? Do I just curl up on the sofa and wait for mum or partner so ring me? Do I phone them? She's still got to tell my brother, he still lives at home so mum, brother and partner will all be together and I want to be there too......

I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:

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rockinastocking · 22/09/2011 19:38

I'm so sorry for your pain.

It's awful, just awful.

I'm sitting with you.

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rockinastocking · 22/09/2011 19:38

Do you want to tell me about him?

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Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 19:39

Ok well first thing is have you had a hot drink? You are in shock and you need to keep warm. So go and put a jumper on, put the heating on and get yourself a cup of tea.

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rockinastocking · 22/09/2011 19:41

Yes, that's good advice.

Have you spoken to your mum?

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Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 19:41

Right - thinking a bit more...

Yes I would ring them once your ds is in bed BUT you need to be aware she may not be able to talk. Crying together on the phone can be a release. Thr is nothing you can do to 'fix' this, don't try and think you must say the 'right' thing because there is no right thing.

Is there anyone at all who could have your dcs tomorrow so you could go up to London - or just your older dc if neeeded? Friends, partners parents?

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YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 22/09/2011 19:46

Everything was just going so well with the cancer treatment and then getting the all clear. It's just seems so damn cruel for him to then get taken away like this.

Haven't spoke to mum yet. My partner has just got her from the hospital and taken her home.

Going to put my son to bed then phone them.

Thank-you x x

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YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 22/09/2011 19:49

Everyone I know lives in or around London. Partners parents in Northampton. We are due to move there a week on Saturday.

I dunno, I could get up to London dropping the boys off at PIL on the way.

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Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 19:49

It is cruel and it is going to hurt like hell at least in part because it is such a shock.

This year we lost my bil, we knew it was going to happen but I was still astonished by the pain, the weight on my heart was unbearable at times. But you WILL get through it, you will and so will your mum.

This is a marathon not a sprint and you need to be really kind to yourself. Don't ask a lot of yourself - just hugging and crying, feeding yourself and your dcs, talking on the phone is all you need to do right now.

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Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 19:52

x posted - ok I would ring them and do that tomorrow. You do need to be with your mum at least for a little bit. It will help you both.

Do you know what actually has to be done in terms of paperwork and arangements? Shall we make a list?

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Northernlurker · 22/09/2011 20:15

(btw - a list isn't a list of things that YOU have to do - just things that at some point need to be sorted)

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MrsMooky · 23/09/2011 11:00

God, I'm so sorry. My stepdad died really suddenly in November last year and alongside the shock and immense grief I felt at losing such an amazing person was the worry about my mum; they had a really inspirational and happy marriage. No matter how bad I felt I just kept thinking, how is SHE feeling? I'm so so sorry for your loss. I think your family all needs to be together right now if in any way possible, it's some comfort to just be able to cry together.

I'm crying now remembering those horrible dark days. I feel for you. As other people have said, be kind to yourself.

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YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 24/09/2011 22:43

Thank-you all.

It's not quite sunk in properly yet but I'm feeling a bit better.

Had a long phone call with mum who seems to be coping ok although not sure it's really sunk in for her yet either.

My brother seems to be taking it the hardest. He was still quite young when step-dad came into our lives so has only ever known him has his dad.

John (step-dad) was in the Royal Fleet Auxilary (sp?) and they are being great. They're sending a welfare officer out to mum next week and are going to help with everything that needs to be done.

Mum is going to pass on John's kindle (which I bought for him last Xmas) to me. We didn't have much in common but we did share a love of books and the same one's so it will be nice reading it knowing he's read and enjoyed them too.

Just taking each day as it comes at the moment. Reading lots and lots of lovely msg's saying what a good person he was and how he'll be missed from people all over the world on his FB page has been emotional, upsetting, lovely all in one go.

Just thinking of mum now, I'm just not sure which way she is going to go with this. Obviously she is extremely upset but has been putting on a brave face and getting on with things that need doing. I'm
Hoping she doesn't wear herself out to much and gives herself time to process everything properly.

Again thank-you. X