5 years on - telling new people, do I?

[leftoutperson]

I've got a group of friends who I made thro DS1 nearly 2, who don't know about DD1 who would be 5 this year.
To be honest the friendship is starting to dwindle a bit, it was the anniversary last month and I could't meet them as the grief was too much (but didn't tell them this.)

I want to explain to them the real reason I couldn't come and was hoping to do it in person, but there wasn't the opportunity at this month's meet up. I want them to know as it is really hard repressing it, when they talk about second babies or how lucky we have all been, it's like I am living a lie.

I am scared of telling them, because most other people I tell, I never hear from again; people feel too awkward. My DH was of the school of "don't talk about it" [it has been hard believe me, but I have had some counselling and am about to arrange more in order to have an outlet as there isn't at home] - and he has just read the email I was about to send; and said don't send it as they will think you are mental!!

In some ways I think he might be right as it was a long time ago; I also think they won't know how to handle it. However I really want some good friends that know me, the real me, and feel like I am living a lie.
My confidence in my own social skills has taken a knock because of how most of my friends have been, and I just don't know if emailing re this is appropriate or if it will cause our friendship to end.

I am going to attend a SANDS meeting soon as I think that this will provide an environment for me to discuss what happened freely and as I said, have more counselling soon. I realise I need to do this as, having repressed it all for so long, I am going to be psychologically screwed up if I do it for much longer.

I just wondered if anyone could be kind enough to post any thoughts they had.

Thank you

[Jezabelle]

I'm so sorry for you.

Every instinct tells me that you need to talk to these new friends. I'm not sure an email would be right though. How about you just meet one of them on their own so you're not having to tell a whole group? You could just text one quite short notice and say you're going by their house tomorrow and have they got time for you to pop in for a coffee.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[leftoutperson]

Thank you for posting.
I think you are right about the group email thing.
I also posted on chat as it was a bit quiet on here tonight, and am going to go and mull things over.
I think it might be more appropriate to find some friends though eg SANDS who won't feel awkward about the subject.
Really appreciate the reply

[leftoutperson]

(Not that I don't think talking to them is a good idea, but because in reality there isn't one that is close like that any more and on reflection p'raps the friendships are moving on)

[pinkpinkeverywhere]

I just wanted to say if they are true friends they will want to share this with you and be open to talking about your beautiful dd. I met a friend at post natal with my dd1 who had lost her ds1 but was there with ds2. She told us at the first meeting, had us all tears and friendships began. Her ds2 is part of our conversations, she talks about him when she chooses and we all shed a tear at his anniversary. The only difference her revelation made was that we all realised how lucky we were to have come home with our Pfb's. Tell them it's part of who you are.

[leftoutperson]

Thank you
I had a bad experience with 2 people I met at groups when DS1 was very small not wanting to see me after I told them about my past story.

And an entire post-natal group was pretty standoffish, although one girl who had had a had had a miscarriage went out of her way to meet me.

But if the friendship is to go anywhere it's important to discuss. I think an evening piss-up is the way forward and take it from there..

[Browncoats]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I understand completely when you say that people back off when you mention a loss of a child. Last year I lost my baby when I was 24 weeks prengnant and although it's not exactly what you went through, I couldn't believe how many of my friends still haven't mentioned it and how hurt I've been because of that.

My best advice to you would be (as someone else said) to meet up with one or two of the people from your toddler group and explain the situation. Even explain that you'd like them to pass the information on to the others. The most important thing to say though is that you'd LIKE to talk about your daughter so hopefully that will mean people won't feel 'funny' asking questions.

I'm sure your friends will understand and want to help you with this