Hi
What a heartbreaking forum! But very grateful it is here because I am after advice and thoughts please.
My darling dad died yesterday of prostate cancer. He was first diagnosed 4 1/2 years ago. We were all shocked, as you would imagine, and we all had long and frank discussions about his illness and his eventual death. Last May he got sick very suddenly and was given 4 weeks to live. My sister and I went to Spain, where he lived with my mum, and spent all summer there to be with them. He started getting a bit better and we both have lives over here (I had taken my 2 year old away from my very understanding husband for long enough, although he had visited us there). I knew when I left I would probably not see him again and cried all the way to the airport.
My dad rallied - not getting completely better but getting to a stage he could go out and have lunch with friends etc. and have a fair quality of life. We (my dh, ds aged 2 and I) went out again to spend Christmas with them. Again I said my 'last goodbyes' as we left.
A few weeks ago he had a fall and deteriorated again. My sister went out to help my mum (she's not married and doesn't have any children) so was there when he died. I am really glad about that and very happy she extended her stay to make sure she is at the funeral which has been set for Monday.
I have spoken to them both and neither feel that I should be there. Funerals are usually very quick in Spain (it would normally have been today, Saturday or Sunday but mum's friends are having a party on Saturday and she didn't want to put a damper on it!) and mum and dad have always said that they do not want us to have to pay to go out at the last minute but would prefer a visit afterwards to help the parent left. Perhaps I should say here, we are not religious at all. My mum said yesterday that she would prefer me to take ds out in a month, to give her something to look forward to. I felt that this was OK - I don't feel a burning need to be there, probably as I have said goodbye to my dad so many times already.
However, almost all my friends think I should go! My ds is 2 and they live in the middle of nowhere so there is nowhere he can safely play so will be housebound. The weather forecast is for rain all week. My dh is working abroad and cannot get back and I have no-one else to leave my ds with so would have to take him.
I am worried that I am not just booking a flight to go this weekend only thinking about it.
I am worried that I might regret this (although in my heart of hearts I really don't think I will). I could afford to go next week and in a month but it will be taking money away from our savings for a house. They have already been hit pretty hard last year with numerous last minute flights for us all.
So - EVENTUALLY! - I guess I am asking whether it is possible to feel at peace without going to a funeral? Obviously when I go out in a month we will talk a lot about my dad etc. and he will always be very much part of us.
I know some people will think I should go to the funeral because you should always go to funerals. I don't really ...
Thanks if anyone reads this. Sorry it's a ramble!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.
Bereavement
To go to funeral or not?
4 replies
sadsad · 25/03/2011 22:30
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.