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I lashed out at ds this morning :(

(14 Posts)
vachebleu Wed 10-Jun-09 09:42:10

I'm feeling shaken & ashamed. He was a little subdued on the way to school, poor boy. I'm glad we had a hug and held hands on the way.

He's 8 and dd is 6. They keep pushing and pushing me and this was just the thing I was scared of. I lost control, instead of reasoning (or shouting), I ended up smacking him lots. I struggled to stop myself from carrying on.

I know dh & I are really tired at the moment, but I really need to get on top of this before it gets worse. Any words of wisdom for how to move on?

Lizzylou Wed 10-Jun-09 09:48:22

Oh lovely, they do know how to push your buttons, don't they?
I struggle with my two boys and end up sad when I've shouted at them before school/cm drop off.
I know that the "pretending you're in a film" tactic works really well, you just basically act as you would do if being filmed, pretend that you are a super calm MOther even if you are raging inside.
Don't feel too bad, but learn from it.

morningsun Wed 10-Jun-09 09:48:34

sorry this has got on top of you ,sounds like you were just unable to control yourself.

did you smack him more than once ?

its a difficult one but sit down calmly later and apologise and say you will never ever do it again~or he can call the police

sorry for you this has happened you must feel awful

Doodle2u Wed 10-Jun-09 10:06:27

My children are 8 and 6 and I know what you mean about pushing you. With my two, it tends to be a lot of screaming and in-fighting between them and it builds, like a pressure cooker.

We've had a lot of back-chat and belligerence just recently as well.

This is what I would do:-

1) Take a step back from what happened and decide why it happened...what triggered it.

2) Talk to both children tonight. Like a family council - around the table with no TV or distractions. As a family, decide what's acceptable and what isn't and what ever is triggering the pressure needs todisappear. They are both old enough to understand.

3) The film crew following you around all day DOES WORK. I first came across it on Mumsnet and I've tried it myself.

Repeatedly smacking your son boils down to a total loss of control on your part, which you seem to recognise. You need, indeed, you MUST, look at yourself and decide what you need to do and reinstate control. For me, one of my big things is the house, washing, ironing etc getting in a mess and on top of me. I feel out of control myself, when my surroundings are out of control and the children, of course, add to the household chaos. If this is similar for you, set yourself a timetable to get back up to date and ask the children to help with this process - once again, they are both old enough to help now.

Best wishes.

vachebleu Wed 10-Jun-09 12:06:10

Absolutely agree it was a loss of control, I think that's why I feel so shaken and scared.

I like the idea of the film crew and I'm going to try and get everyone round the table to talk about how things have been lately.

Dh and I are both tired and stressed at the moment and it's turned into a vicious cycle. Of course the children have taken complete advantage of it.

Thank you for your support!

Gorionine Wed 10-Jun-09 12:15:39

I had not heard of the "film crew! technique but it sound good.

I have had over the years my fair share of screaming morning. At one point it got so bad I felt like I WAS just a big long scream!

I have recently decided to really step back in the sense that I have to stop being behind them all the time asking them to get ready. (on Doodle good advice a while ago) it seems to have been a turning point for us as the DCs seem to be much more receptive when I am calmer as well. I just hope it is not just a phase![fingers crossed emoticon]

Doodle2u Wed 10-Jun-09 14:08:35

Gori - you took my advice? shock You know I talk complete cobblers, don't you? grin

Vache, the children might not be just taking advantage of the fact that you and DH are stressed and tired all the time - they might be reacting to it. Could you slip in a special family day, where you all get away from the house and spend a few hours together...just enjoying each other's company again?

morningpaper Wed 10-Jun-09 14:11:48

lots of good advice here xxx

vachebleu Wed 10-Jun-09 21:15:51

OK, an update...

Has been a bit variable. A friend had to pick kids up from school, so when I came to collect them and ds wouldn't put his shoes on, I calmly said that was fine and he'd have to walk home in his socks. He then put them on sat on the doorstep.

We spent a bit of time together when we got home, he helped me with some gardening --for 5 seconds-- and we chatted about Gomniti (or whatever they are) Then he went to watch telly.

I tried to have a chat with DH about the whole issue. Basicly it was me talking, waiting for a response / thoughts from him, when he asked 'are you going to the gym tonight?' Arrgh!!!!!!!

So after tea, which seemed to go ok, again i managed to get them up to the table in a relatively cool and calm manner. Then I said we need to have a family chat after tea. ds refused to listen so I didn't even get to suggest that we should All set some ground rules. I told him I couldn't carry on living with things the way things are. I can't remember what triggered it, but I walked out and went to my mother's for a while.

Home now, pratically clung to by dcs. We had the family chat and the kids wrote down some ground rules. So I watch and wait. Still not happy with Dh as he is an ineffective Twat (am I allowed to say that on mumsnet?)

PS Sorry for awful typing / spelling, my mother gave me wine!

vachebleu Wed 10-Jun-09 21:29:44

ps Yes, I know walking out isn't very grown-up.

morningpaper Wed 10-Jun-09 21:59:09

sorry things didn't go well, you sound at the end of your tether with it all

Twat is most definitely allowed here

Lizzylou Wed 10-Jun-09 22:01:45

Twat is mostly definitely allowed, heartily recommended in fact.
Are things talked through now?
You poor thing, you sound knackered and fed up.

shellki Wed 10-Jun-09 22:18:00

Its great that you are being so honest and wanting to recognise where the problem is and fix it. I have been in that out of control place a few times with my dd1 in the last month. She's been really difficult after the birth of dd2 - and is taking it out on dh and I, and reacting to the extra stress on us. Though I have never hit her, she gets scared when I have lost my temper, and I can see the fear in her face - which amounts to the same thing as hitting. They really do know how to push our buttons. The film crew idea is a great one, I have often thought 'what would people think of me if they saw me shouting like that at a child?' But the truth is, most of us have lost our cool at some point.
Coming up with joint strategies of how to deal with things sounds like a really good plan, getting the kids involved and helping them become aware and responsible for their behaviour. Good luck!

FairyMum Wed 10-Jun-09 22:20:04

Genius idea about film crew following you around filming the documentary about "supermum". LOL. I have never come across this before.

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