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Oh help please. Jealous 3 yr old DD

9 replies

Nyx · 02/06/2009 10:20

I am completely stuck as to what to do here. DD (3) is an only, and she does get plenty of attention, obviously. I work 3 days a week, and on those 3 days she's at a childminder's - she likes it, gets to meet loads of other children and babies, and gets on great apparently.

However, with me, she's very possessive and jealous. She's fine if I speak to adults, but if I speak to another child or (God forbid) a baby, she goes mental and has a tantrum. If DH and I have a cuddle or a kiss, she has a hissy fit. I have to 'give the kiss back to him' and then he has to kiss her instead. She's fine if he talks to a baby!

I've run out of ideas to sort this out. We have friends visiting today - my friend and her baby. I've just had a chat with DD and explained that I will be talking to this baby at some point, and she is to be a nice kind girl and not be jealous, but she's kicked off and is point blank refusing. "You're my mummy and you're not to be nice to a baby. You're to be nasty". I have no idea where she gets this from.

Has anyone any ideas? Thanks in advance!

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Nyx · 02/06/2009 10:33

She's just said sorry to me for throwing something across the room. As she was putting her arms around me for a cuddle she whispered "and you won't talk to any babies will you mummy?"

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Nyx · 02/06/2009 11:10

Bump...friend's not here yet and am hoping for some advice before they get here if possible!

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Nyx · 02/06/2009 19:15

Oh well, don't worry. They've been and gone and we had a nice day, DD didn't kick off, so maybe just asking for advice has done the trick (as opposed to actually receiving any)

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Nyx · 02/06/2009 22:14

Although (sigh) if anyone does have any advice

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Bramshott · 02/06/2009 22:33

Sorry you haven't had any replies!!

I think probably because there's no easy answer, over and above the time-honoured consistency etc. Your DD knows that you love her, but you need to be very consistent with her behaviour if it's not acceptable. She is manipulating you to some extent because she has found that she can - with "giving a kiss back to daddy for example". If there are no underlying issues IMHO you need to be very clear that you love her, that she is your special girl and that no-one can take that place, but that you will continue both to kiss and cuddle Daddy, and to be nice to other children and babies. Re-assure her that just because you love and like other people, it doesn't mean you love her any less!

Pleased to hear it went well today though!

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Nyx · 02/06/2009 23:42

Thanks very much Bramshott, that's sound advice; I think you're right, she's sussed that she does have control over me (with this issue, anyway!) I will keep reassuring her, while not backing down.

I'm so relieved someone answered - thanks again!

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LadyG · 06/06/2009 01:35

Hmmmm interesting? role play with her dolls maybe? My 3 year old has a 10 month old exceedingly cute sister to be jealous of and at times he is very verbal about it too-I use the old-mummy has 2 arms to hug both of you thing but he also has a baby doll who he loves and takes to bed but also comes in for a lot of abuse frankly-am hoping this is just his way of getting it out of his system...

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roundwindow · 06/06/2009 13:38

Sorry you had so few replies.... I think probably I'd just go with the flow on this one. Give her as much time/attention as she needs to air her jelous feelings... validate them loads ('seems like you feel all horrible when you see mummy talking to babies... that must be tough!') let her interrupt/dominate you as much as you can without alienating others (friend's baby probably won't really suffer if you put your DD first, DH will probably understand)

I dunno, I'm in a strange mood today, but I guess I'm differing slightly to previous posts and suggesting that you do let her control you on this one. She has strong feelings which, I believe, will pass if given sufficient air time and empathy.

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Nyx · 08/06/2009 22:12

Have come back to this thread today and just noticed more replies - thanks for your input, LadyG and roundwindow! I met up with some people today, both of whom had babies with them (mumsnetters actually - my first meet-up ).

I spoke to DD beforehand, again, to prepare her that there would be babies and I would probably 'speak' to them, but that she is my own girl who I'm proud of and that the ladies we were meeting were looking forward to meeting DD and having DD meet their babies. It seemed to work! She didn't do the jealous thing at all. You know, I think just posting on Mumsnet did the trick - such is the power

Am being a bit flippant but I'm really pleased with how it's turned out. I hope your DS keeps taking it out on his doll, LadyG, and not his sister - ooh, i can't imagine having another, well done you. And thanks roundwindow, she does have strong feelings and ignoring them is never a good thing. Ignoring actions, yes, but not her feelings. She can be v.stubborn! I think bringing it out into the open and discussing it properly with DD - as opposed to me just being angry when she kicked off about it - has made a big difference.

Thanks again all!