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dds favouritism towards dh getting out of hand now, feel like she hates me, end of my tether totally fed up

(25 Posts)
peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 10:53:33

DD (nearly 2) has preferred my dh since she was 7 months old. This was the age i stopped BF after admittedly hating it. Had PND but wouldn't admit it to anyone and when dd no longer needed me for food I did absent myself for a while and left most of the hands on care to dh, also went back to work at this time.

Have tried and tried to get close to her since then but TBH it's not worked and now her rejection and IMO hatred has reached new heights. Eeverytime dh leaves the room or goes out she screams hysterically and attacks me if I try to comfort her. I'm covered in sctraches and bite marks. This results in Dh returning and accusing me of neglecting her and not caring as I won't pick her up anymore when she's screaming as I just get attacked and it seems to distress her more.

It's making family life unbearable as when the 3 of us are together dh can't do anything without this hysteria and as she'll only play and interact with him I'm left sat there staring into space (and beleive me I've made 100% effort for 18months now). I can't push the buggy, pick her up, eat with her, nothing, it's all Daddy cuddle, daddy push, daddy carry.

To make matters worse I'm 4 weeks pg, no contraception for 6 weeks then changed my mind but too late already pg. Thought it was what we wanted but now think I'm a crap Mum, I hate my life and myself and feel like driving off a cliff. Can't talk to dh as he's had enough of me.

What a fucking mess.

peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 11:14:36

Anyone?

notnowbernard Fri 05-Sep-08 11:17:25

Oh, that sounds really crap sad

No wonder you are feeling shitty. TBH, I think you and DH need to become more united in this. It seems she has you both well and truly divided. She lashes out at you and then dh comes over and picks her up - is that what happens?

Tortington Fri 05-Sep-08 11:17:57

perspective

kids do this

your dh likes it

he need to support you
undermining you infront of the kid adds validity to her screaming and acting like a spoiled brat.

you are mum mums get the shit end of the stick. - you have to be enforcer and comforter

at the mo you can only be enforcer - and not dot he gooey stuff

she will come - its just her ager compounded by your dh's twattishness.

chapstickchick Fri 05-Sep-08 11:23:47

custy speaks the truth..........grin

also u sound a little low maybe u need to visit the doc?

Notquitegrownup Fri 05-Sep-08 11:27:24

You are not a crap mum. Your dd sounds incredibly strong willed. Most kids, IME, do get on well with the parent of the opposite sex, but some are more extreme than others.

My dh had the reverse situation. DS1 was not interested in him at all and it was really hard for him. I was bfing, ds1 was a milk addict, and just didn't bond with dh. It made life much easier when the second baby came along, as I had to encourage ds1 to spend more time with his Dad. As the dss have got older they have bonded much better.

I agree with Custado that your dh needs to support you much more, until the time when your dd will value having a female ally at home. In the meantime, it sounds as if you could do with a good dose of real life sympathy and understanding. This must be incredibly hard for you. Is your hv any use? She may well have practical ideas for how you and your dd can spend quality time together and start to break this cycle.

peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 11:27:53

I've said to dh if he'd been consistently attacked and rejected by her for 18m he'd have left by now, daddys little angel indeed.

When she hits/scatches/pulls hair/bites/pinches me he does tell her off and time her out and insist she apologises to be fair to him.

A lot of the time he seesm scared to say no to her, and she IS getting spoilt, unberably so because she has his 100% undivided attention and fucking cuddles day in day out.

I've asked him to ignore her sometimes, only give attention when she's behaving nicely and be a bit more firm with her. he agrees in principle but doesn't seem able to put it into practice.

peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 11:35:56

thanks notquitegrownup TBH the HV is quite crap and it's a bit awkward cos I work in the local CAMHS team so know them all professionally too.

Dh is ignoring me today cos I said I was angry, have a day off together dd is in nursery (thank God) but I'd rather just be on my own.

It's not just dh it's anyone who isn't me, at sisters flat yesterday she went out for 5 mins dd is screaming banging on the door hystercal crying "NOONOO!!" (what she calls her auntie) and when I tried to console her full on tantrum.

Immediate switch off as soon as auntie re-entered the room.

She truly hates me and is terrified of me and I've NEVER hurt her and rarely even raised my voice to her.

ThinWhiteDuchess Fri 05-Sep-08 12:08:40

Oh peacelily, that sounds so horrible for you. So sorry, can't offer any real advice, just wanted to give you some sympathy and <<hugs>>

Pheebe Fri 05-Sep-08 12:34:23

OK, going to try and be constructive here rather than just offer sympathies, although you ahve that of course in buckt loads. Must be awful for you

First I think you need to take some urgent action here, especially now dc2 is on the way. You aren't going to resolve this on your own you need some professional intervention and guidance.

IMO you really need to see a child psychologist/therapist as it sounds to me like she has trust issues with you, probably as a result of you absenting yourself.

Please please don't go down the lines of blaming yourself in any way. PND has so many insidious consequences and your new pregnancy might well be throwing you right back there. For this reason you also need to look at your own mental health. Straight to the GP for this and ask for a referral if you're not happy with the support they do/don't offer.

Please believe this can be resolved and she can learn to trust you again.

I do hope that helps, keep talking about it at least on mn if not in rl for now
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It can and will get better

pudding25 Fri 05-Sep-08 12:45:13

You poor thing. She doesnt hate you, but there are obviously issues here. I totally agree with Pheebe (always full of good advice!). You need professional help, especially with another baby on the way. Please don't blame yourself. PND is, from everything I have read and seen in friends, horrendous.
Please go and get help now. Also, tell you husband how horeendously upset and depressed you are. He needs to support you.
Thinking of you.

Scarletibis Fri 05-Sep-08 12:54:52

Is she like this with you when your DH is out? As in out all day or half a day.

A lot of children do show preference one parent or the other when there is a choice of the 2. It is v common. My eldest was like this from the age of 9 months til around 2.6ish - and it did upset me - especially when my MIL used to constantly be saying things like 'aah she's such a Daddy's girl'. Anyway she did grow out of it.

Is there anything the 2 of you like doing together - swimming/painting?

But as others have said - it sounds like your DH isn't helping matters.

ivykaty44 Fri 05-Sep-08 13:00:39

Sorry but your d/h needs to say NO to your dd and make a firm stand that you both are the adults and dd is the child

Even at two your dd is learning her place with in the family. Unfortunately her place is very muddled and not where it should be within the family set up and this can only be altered by your dh.

Sunflower100 Fri 05-Sep-08 13:06:48

Echo points made by Pheebe. You really need to look after yourself and get any professional support you can.

I think that your dh's support and practical help to address this is vital. He needs to contsructively help to bridge the gap between you and your dd. Does he slightly enjoy being favoured parent? And therefore perpetutae it? Also you need to have a consistent front about discipline- its simply not fair for one parent to discipline and one to indluge dd.

Are things better between dd and you if dh isn't there? Often find this helps with bonding if the two of you do something fun together.

I really feel for you but things can get better I am sure she doesn't hate you even when it feels like that.

HonoriaGlossop Fri 05-Sep-08 13:20:35

Does sound good advice from Pheebe.

In the meantime, do you ever have sole care of her? Or when you are home, is DH home too?

peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 14:19:52

I agree phebee she does have trust issues with me, as I've sais it's vg difficult tho, I work in CAMHS (as a therapist!?!) and the psychologists/therapists who deal with this age group ( I'm 5-18 years) have their office next door to mine!!

I'm happy to go private but don't know where to start looking. I've read some good books on the subject and have tried to put the suggestions into practice but I'm wondering if we need something more long term!

I do have Tuesdays off with her, sometime we truly do have a lovely day sometimes I'll be honest it's hell. We go to see animals mostly she loves horses and donkeys or look at photos and make stuff out of them, have teddy bears tea parties things like that so I can be a nice Mummy!!

andiem Fri 05-Sep-08 14:25:51

peacelily I think you need to try and separate your personal and professional lives
can you ask your colleagues for a private recommendation say it is for a friend and you don't want to go into too much detail etc
you also need to look after yourself especially as you are now pregnant and you sound a bit ambivalent about it at the moment
what sort of therapy/support do you have if any?

hettie Fri 05-Sep-08 14:28:37

I am sure you 'know' this (logicaly) but she doesn't hate you- way way to much emotional sophistication in a little kid. You have had/are having a difficult relationship and it also sounds like your dh is not so great, don't worry- you're not a bad mum. No big specific advice as to how to turn this around as it's difficult to know without seeing you all BUT- you could track down a family therapsit (there is an association of family therpaists- they ahve web site and should get you a good systemicly trained pro therapist). In some areas you can access them via CAMHS but this might not be great for you- association will help in fidning private one.
X hettie

Pheebe Fri 05-Sep-08 15:51:42

{{{Peacelily}}}}

I agree with andiem, please do go and ask your colleagues for a private referral. Trust their professionalism ... I'm sure they would be devastated if they knew that you were suffering in silence. Besides, they are the people best placed to know how common such things are and not to judge you in any way. I do understand your relucatance but, and I don't say this often, this is something you simply must do for all of you.

JuneBugJen Fri 05-Sep-08 16:01:26

Iknow I have written this to other threads on this, but my dd was a total daddys girl and I felt a gooseberry as it was obvious from day one she would much rather him to me.

I just let her get on with it and enjoyed the parts of motherhood I did enjoy! (if that makes sense.) I tried not to force cuddles on her (too much) and in some ways tried to revel in the fact that dh had to do most of the care when he was around. From age 2 she started to get better with me.

Had ds a year ago and the difference is amazing, in both of them. DD is much more affectionate (perhaps realising she doesnt have exclusivity on my love!) and Ds from day 1 is the most cuddly chap ever, making me realise I am not unlovable to children.

Best advice, unless you think there is something clinically wrong, try and go zen about it all. Shes 'just not that into you' at the moment and this will change with time, I'm absolutely sure.

bloomingfedup Fri 05-Sep-08 16:08:31

You are NOT a crap mum. Your DH needs to help yo to resolve this - he sounds like he may be enjoying being the favourite.
Can you spend time with your DD on your own on a regular basis to try and strengthen the bond? You sound like you are setting boundaries - carry on with that - she needs to learn that this behaviour will not be tolerated by you or DH. Being a Daddy's girl is one thing but rejecting your mummy is another. Good luck.smile

TheCrackFox Fri 05-Sep-08 16:27:11

Peacelilly - my DS1 was like this with me - but he absolutely would not have anything to do with DH. I am a SAHM and could have really have done with a break.

WE decided that DS1 needed to associate DH with good times. DH took him out lots without me to all the stuff that he loved to do - softplay, swimming etc. It took a couple of months but eventually DS1 came round to liking DH. The one piece of advice is that you have to make yourself seem like the fun parent.

Also your DH should never criticise you infront of your DD. You must always appear like a united front. She knows she is "getting in the middle of you" and your DH should not be reinforcing this behaviour.

If I am being honest DS1 is still a bit of a mummy's boy but DS2 thinks the sun shines out of DHs arse.

Good luck. I know it is hard at the moment but it will get better.

Flowertotmum Fri 05-Sep-08 16:39:59

Hiya

Sounds like you need some red wine(red grape juice??) and at least a night off! Kids take it out of us and when partners interfere and give you crap - I totally know the feeling!!

The other night when hubbie arrived home, making comments about the state of the house, etc. etc, I took my car keys, said good night to the kids and went to the movies. Saw Mama Mia on my own and had a ball of a time enjoying the music

Came home and felt a whole lot better for it, although the house was in even more of a state.

Make time for you, because between work and looking after a strong willed toddler, keeping and house and being pregnant, you suffer - be selfish for a chance.

Good luck!! grin

peacelily Fri 05-Sep-08 20:30:01

Hi everyone, thanx so much for all the lovely messages and support, I had a lie down earlier and woke up feeling a lot more positive.

Took dd to a party on my own without dh at a soft play barn which went relatively well despite the predictable shenanigans at home time!

also did bed time dh backed me up no debate or fuss, one minor 20 second wobbler and lovely bedtime, lots of stories and cuddles wihout too much trauma over pyjamas on and in the cot no problem!!

Don't have any therapy available to me as such have always kept my feelings under wraps and tried to get on with things but will look on the family therpy website to see if there's anyone local.

hopefully things can only get better.

Thanks so much!! smile

andiem Sat 06-Sep-08 15:01:26

glad to see you are feeling more positive peacelily smile

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