Is this punishment too harsh?

[cadelaide]

DD,7, has been unkind to DS1,9, all of the holiday. She ignores him, says hurtful things, acts disgusted at mealtimes, won't play with him. It starts from the moment she wakes up and goes on all day.

I have said that if she continues to hurt his feelings, at the end of each day I will take away one of her soft toys, forever (she has dozens). I will give her a fair warning each day, and I won't take away her dearly-beloved-extra-special-ones (although I haven't told her that).

I don't know what to do tbh, and she's starting to worry me. This has gone on for months and months and is getting worse. Tonight she said she wants to know "what it feels like to be a bully".

I have never used the sad emoticon before....it must be bad.

[thisisyesterday]

I wonder if she wants to feel like that because she is being bullied by someone herself???

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

I don't think it's too harsh, no - is she being bullied at school though, or by someone else?

Does she care about the toys that aren't extra special ones though? I never gave a crap about mine - my dad threatened to bonfire them if I didn't tidy my room and apparently I just kicked them all out of the bedroom window (I was vile)

[solidgoldbrass]

What changed in her life around the time this behaviour started? TBH I am not sure that punishing her will make the situation better: it may mean she is nice to DS when you are there and finds sneakier ways to upset him.

[JuneBugJen]

Take away a toy but put it in 'prison' high up on a shelf.
I think you have come up with a good punishment but perhaps soften the edges!

See what you mean about the bully thing. Have you spoken to her about it specifically?

[lisalisa]

Hmmm - you must protgect your ds - you can't let him feel uncomfortable and threatened in his own house. Tbh - I would actually be harsher if she explicitlysays that is the reason - i.e. not cos ds bugged her the night before when you couldn't see etc. She says she just wants to bully him. I would ask her to leave the room and go to her own room each time she does this and say she's not welcome in the family parts of the house until she can behave. AFter 10 mins you can always ask her if she's ready to come down.

In my house judge and jury are always in session and the children to and fro with thier rooms and coming out but the childrnfe always feel protected and not as if they are abandoned to the mercy of nasty sibling. Not sayhing you are abandoning or tghat your dd is nasty btw - just explaining myt reasoning.

[cadelaide]

Thanks all, got to work, back later.

[meandmyjoe]

Your poor ds, it must be hard for you all. My first thought was the same as the other posts, it sounds as if she could be upset about something herself. Have you looked into her being bullied at school? Does she make friends OK? Does she treat her friends like this or is it just your ds?

Does your ds pick up on how she treats him and is he upset by it? If so, perhaps have a long chat with him on his own and just let him know that he can come to you and be honest with you about his feelings. Also, I'd let them both have plenty of 'one one' time with you or their dad so that ds isn't constantly around her and maybe some time away from him might do her good too.

x

[Pheebe]

I agree, I would explore this bullying issue with her.

Don't take her toys away forever either, this is just punitive and gives her no incentive to change her behavior positively.

Can you try and find things they can do together to strengthen their bond, perhaps give her some responsibility for helping him in some way - homework or some such?

I'm also thinking that perhaps you need to make it clear that this is affecting the whle family. Maybe consider making her sit separately to eat her meals if she can't behave appropriately.