Sons behaviour is really getting me down - advice please....

[shatteredmumsrus]

My son is 3, 4 in September. He has always been a little difficult and was a terrible sleeper until he was 3.I have a 7 year old who was a good baby and toddler and is still a really kind, and well behaved boy (most of the time)I try not to compare them as I know it doesnt help. I even hear my 7 yo tryng to discipline him to keep the 3yo out of trouble which is sweet but shouldnt be necessary.The younger one is quite spiteful to him and I caught him beating the crap out of him tonight.I will ask the 3yo to do something simple like come and brush your teeth and i get a response of nooo and he will not come until i drag him there. I am a very patient person and I reason with him and try and distract his naughtiness as much as I can,nothing is working. I am not getting comments like 'you havent ha it easy with him have you' and the next door neighbour whose children my boys play with says things to him like 'only if you behave for your mother'.Itsembarrassing. I am a really 'together' mom and a confident one but he has really got me. I have tried counting to 3, the naughty step, taking favourite toys away and even a smacked hand -please dont bombard me with anti smacking posts!I cried yesterday for the first time becaude of his behaviour and feel really down today and i am losing my temper with him quickly as im so sick of him. I dont even like him - except now as he is asleep.dp has recently saw his behaviour as we had a holiday so at least he believe me but i havent even mentioned it to him that its getting me down - he would just reply that he hates work too.Anyone got any constructive advice please

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Put him in his room every time he misbehaves, and hold the door shut for 3 minutes.

Have very very clear and non-negotiable rules (ie if you hit your brother, you go to your room for three minutes, if you don't do as you're told by the time I get to three, you're going in your room for three minutes)

Have a sticker chart - doing as told, not hitting all morning, all afternoon etc results in on sticker - so one for morning, one for afternoon, one for evening. Max 21 in a week. 14 in a week results in X treat.

[shatteredmumsrus]

thsnks have done the sticker thing before but that was for sleeping. I will do it tomorrow - brand new day and all that!

[mckenzie]

hi shatteredmumsrus - I could change a few words in your post and it would be as if I had written it about my DD. You have my utmost sympathy and I too shall try the advice given by TGGP. What will you do though if out and about as obviously then you don't have the bedroom to use? I had the morning from hell today with DD and it was at a friend's house which somehow made it worse as I was embarrassed for my daughter's behaviour but then I was even more embarrassed about my own - I think I might have over-reacted through tiredness and being at the end of my tether .

IS your DS naught at pe-school or nursery too? My DD is delightful when not with me apparently which makes me feel absolutely awful

[Hannah81]

reward any positive behaviour - anthing at all that is good - reward it - i use pennies - when my DS also three, four in dec, does something good he gets pockt money - seems to work for us
i really do feel for you though, i know what its like to feel down because of behaviour. i am also doing the "mummy isn't talking to you until you use your talking voice" - does he go to nursery yet? could it be something he's picking up in nursery? Does he behave for other people? my ds is an angel for others, its just us he misbehaves for - think ours cound be jealousy because of our 11wk old - he's good as gold with the baby, but testing for us? anyone know when/if that will calm down?

so, you're not on your own, even though it may feel like it.

[Niecie]

Does he do things for his father?

I only ask as my DS2 was a little like that when he was 3 - everything was met with a no and he used to taunt and pick on DS1 until DS1 had enough and hit back. He had the patience of a saint most of the time but when he had had enough he used to get dragged into a fight and all hell would break loose.

He is 4.10 yrs now and much better. I gave up on the naughty step as it was just a battle to get him to sit on it and it took so long that we ended up forgetting what he was on there for in the first place!

I found ignoring him if he refused to do something helped. Only good if you have the time to wait it out. Reminders of what he is meant to be doing every couple of minutes but I refused (on a good day anyway) to get drawn into an argument with him.

Count downs worked with DS1 but they just upset DS2 and made him dig his heels in and refuse to do things until you stopped counting down although ironically he generally used to do them if you did stop so I suppose they sort of worked!

The reason I ask about his father is that sometimes it helped to get DH to take over, if he was around and sometimes that helped. He took less liberties with him.

Also praising the little things that he does right helped too.

I think nursery helped too - they used an egg timer to get him to do things as he refused to do them there as well.

However, if you are consistent in your approach I bet you it will be just a phase as my DS2 is pretty good now, a year or so down the line.

Good luck

[shatteredmumsrus]

Thanks you lot. Well like some of you my son is an angel for my mom and the nursery staff ay he is one of the if not the best behaved child they have!He only goes Tues and Thurs.At least we know they can be good and they know how to be good????

[shatteredmumsrus]

He is a little better for his dad but hes at work most of the time anyway.I forgot to mention the thing that winds me up most - h whinges and whines,aaaaagggghhhhhh i hate it. First thing in the morning its, iiii waaaaant breeeeaaakfaaast! To that i reply I will give you some breakfast when you ask me properly using your manners. He whinges about everything and it drives me stir crazy!

[kim88]

i know exactly what you mean i have 5yo step son who doesn't listen to a word me or his dad say or school or anybody except his nan really so we contacted a company called twoway who helpd us maybe you could give them a call n c if maybe they can help you manage your sons behaviour its now nan who is driving me mad saying my lil ones a angel my reply is well you don't have to live with it 24/7 i think other peoples comments get to you more than the actual problem alot of the time

[Phil75]

hi shatteredmumsrus. just wanted to add my enormous sympathies and say that I know exactly what you're going through. My DS is also 4 in September and is really dreadful at the moment. He's great at playschool and nursery and is generally a nice kind boy, but with me he's horrible! In the last few weeks he's started speaking so rudely and being so defiant that I end up speechless trying to think how to deal with him. All the old tricks of distraction, naughty step etc. just don't work.

And I'm so with you on the whinging. Morning till night. Everything he asks for or says is said in that awful whine. He's always been a demanding child but this is worse than ever. It doesn't help that DS2 is a contented, happy boy so it's hard not to compare. Thankfully they get on very well.

Every day I start by being happy, positive mum and by the end am unrecognisable crazy woman. When will it ever end??!!

[Phil75]

Just wanted to add that apparently boys have a testosterone surge at this age, hence a rise in aggressive and difficult behaviour. Could be encouraging?!

[shatteredmumsrus]

Thats interesting, maybe it will pass then. Im 30 tomorrow and i feel 50!

[Niecie]

Shattered - if you haven't seen it already, have a look at 'Raising Boys' - that talks about the testosterone surge. I had forgotten about it actually but it does exist - I can vouch for that.

As I said before, it is a phase and you will get through it. That is even more likely when you realise that hormones are part of the problem. Blessed things - they have a lot to answer for!!!