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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

3.5yr WANTS CUDDLES FROM MUMMY 24.7 - PLEASE HELP

21 replies

BlackRock21 · 14/07/2008 17:50

My gorgeous daughter has always been a Mummy's girl. However, lately, all she wants is for me to cuddle her all the time.

I'm been advised by HV etc to not give in all the time but now feel as if I'm denying the affection she so obviously wants.

My mum seems to think she must need reassurance but no matter how much I give, it?s never enough for her.

Daddy is available for cuddles, but she only wants them from me. She even asks for cuddles in her sleep!

We were just having dinner when she started asking for a cuddle. I said we were eating and we would have a cuddle after the meal. She continually repeated 'I want a cuddle' over and over until she then started crying. This led to her being sent to her room to calm down and me torn as to whether I should give a cuddle as this what she wanted all along. I did..... and got her back to the table.... only for it to start all over again.

On Friday we went for our usual visit to her friends? house - there were six three year olds playing but she just wanted to sit with me.

She is due to start Kindergarten in September and has had a few visits during her nursery days and this has thrown her a bit.

Much as I would love to I cannot spend all day cuddling her and really don't know the best way to handle this.

Hubby keeps telling me to stop cuddling her so much, but how much is too much? She is only three and I feel awful denying her cuddles. :-(

Incidentally, when it's just the two of us, I don't get this.... could this mean it is about having me to herself?

Please, please help - I am at the end of my tether and really don't know what to do! :-(

Thank you x

OP posts:

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bubblagirl · 14/07/2008 19:11

not sure i have much advise but bumping for you someone may be able to help

but in my opinion maybe cuddles can be the reward sounds like maybe she is worrying about nursery being away from you and just after that reassurance

how about if you eat your dinner we can have lots of cuddles as you have been a good girl etc

hope someone can help soon

BlackRock21 · 14/07/2008 19:22

Thank you. I have tried that but she just works herself up into such a state. It's so difficult! I really want to do this right, but don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

policywonk · 14/07/2008 19:27

Lawks, are you me? My DS2 (also 3 and a half) is exactly like this at the moment. He used to be quite independent, but at the moment he screams blue murder if I so much as leave the room. It's driving me quite barmy. I know I ought to just give him the reassurance he needs, but that would pretty much necessitate me sitting on the sofa ALL DAY while he snuggles.

Sorry, no help but I do know how you feel. Erm... it's a phase?

beansprout · 14/07/2008 19:35

I don't think cuddles should be set up as a reward. Children need to be loved unconditionally, and affection should not be something that is only dished out if they behave as we want them to.

As for the OP, it is hard but it does sound like a form of separation anxiety. I know when ds1 (now 3.8) is doing this, that the more I try to get on and do something else, the harder it gets. It sounds like she really needs to know that mummy is there for some reason at the moment. Once she knows that, to her heart's content, she will go off and do something else. Can you just go with it for a bit? I'm sure it won't last long.

Cod · 14/07/2008 19:36

Message withdrawn

Cod · 14/07/2008 19:37

Message withdrawn

Maenad · 14/07/2008 19:37

We've had phases like this. I'm a pushover sort of mummy, so I will just sit her on my knee for supper if she's desolate without a cuddle. It doesn't seem to mean she will never sit at the table on her own again.

Sometimes with us it turns out she's been coming down with something. Or sometimes it's if she's worried about something. I don't know how useful it is to try & figure it out mostly... it's all a bit mysterious. I just respond by pretty much giving her as much affection as she wants, and it doesn't go on forever.

Good luck!

Twiglett · 14/07/2008 19:38

DD went through this IIRC

the trick is to cuddle them when they don't want it .. keep pouncing on them and cuddling .. it'll get boring really soon and they'll drop to normal levels

Twiglett · 14/07/2008 19:43

oh, it was DS .. in 2005

good advice on that thread

bubblagirl · 14/07/2008 19:43

i mean at the table if not calming down then if your a good girl and eat dinner we can have big cuddle

not in general evry day as i give ds endless cuddles just at times where its not appropriate at that time eat and then we'll cuddle not a reward as such

Twiglett · 14/07/2008 19:43

here

policywonk · 14/07/2008 19:46

That's interesting Twiglett, certainly worth a try.

BlackRock21 · 15/07/2008 12:12

It's so difficult isn't it - shame children don't each come with their own handbook!

I think we're going to try and ride with it - give lots of cuddles and hope it's a phase that passes.

Please don't get me wrong - there is nothing I love more than cuddling her, but it is all too much at the moment.

Thanks for the messages.

OP posts:

TooTiredToday · 15/07/2008 12:17

no help at all but i read this as mummy being 24.7 years old....

but for what it's worth, I think it sounds like she needs reassurance, so withholding cuddles won't work. Hard work definitely but maybe she just needs lots of cuddles right now.

BlackRock21 · 15/07/2008 12:27

LOL

Sorry for the confusion - wish I was 24.7 years old. Am actually 33.3 but meant 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.....

OP posts:

bossybritches · 15/07/2008 12:39

It's a phase- give her lots of cuddles but make some of it a boring time when she doesn't get anything more than the physical contact (ie sitting on your lap while doing paper work) Leave an interesting game/colouring book at the table so she can get down when she is ready. She will soon be interested in somthing else but it will be HER choice not yours so her confidence will grow.

To pre-empt table time crying try getting her to help lay the table & just sit her near you " your special place" and talk lots to her keep up a running commentary & give her hugs to show she's doing well.

All time consuming I know but she WILL get there!!

MmeBovary · 15/07/2008 12:52

Thank god - it's not just me! My dd aged 4 has recently started following me everywhere I go, kissing me and asking for cuddles. It's quite sweet in one way, but drives me barmy. She's also started doing a lot of baby talk, which is even more irritating - and she can speak perfectly well in 2 languages. We did move house a couple of months ago but that's been the only change. I wondered if she was after reassurance - maybe that now she's getting older and more independant she's kind of reverting to babyhood to check we still love her/look after her etc?? IFYSWIM? I do give her lots of love and attention but it would be nice to get dressed /go to the toilet etc without a small child permanently attached - thought I'd got past that bit!

SummatAnNowt · 15/07/2008 13:14

ds (4) constantly wants kisses and cuddles recently, I give them to him! Seems counter-intuitive to withhold what are either outward demonstrations of love and affection, or needs for reassurance.

ds has also been doing baby talk and nothing at all has changed in our lives! It drives me crazy but I mostly ignore it unless he's asking for something then I insist he speaks normally and politely.

MmeBovary · 15/07/2008 21:56

Tonight I tucked mine up in bed and read her a story. She said" Can you stay with me?" I asked why she needed me to stay and she said "I don't like being by myself" . She said that she would let me go and sleep in my own bed later.... I told her that she had all her dollies to keep her company and that it was mummy's time with daddy. She reluctantly said it was OK but made me promise that I would come up when she called. She's also been insisting I take her to the loo when she's been going by herself for a long time. Not sure what is causing this though. When I drop her off at the holiday club I barely get a kiss goodbye - she is straight off with her friends so she doesn't seem to have an issue with leaving me....Any ideas?

SummatAnNowt · 16/07/2008 07:11

Maybe just a phase? ds went through worry about being lonely and ended up sleeping with all his cuddly toys stacked around him for a month or so. He's back to his own normal now with regards to sleeping.

BlackRock21 · 17/07/2008 20:41

A bit of good news!! I have now changed tactics and have been asking DD for lots of cuddles. Much to her amusement she tells me 'in a minute Mummy'!. I have also decided to give her a quick cuddle no matter what we are doing - I don't really like it at the table as I'd rather she was eating, but it seems to be working. I have a much happier bunny who it would seem, really did just need a bit of extra reassurance.

It's early days I know, but fingers crossed.

Thanks for your help!

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