I need help with how to handle my DS

[Pinkchampagne]

I am a lone parent, and sometimes find the boys behaviour hard to handle.
When they go to their dad, he never gets the problems I do, and I don't know where I'm going wrong.

Around 15 minutes ago, DS1 (8.5) & his brother were having an argument over a football poster, and DS1 bit into his younger brothers arm leaving teeth marks.
I was very angry & took the poster away from them completely, telling DS1 to go to his room. At first he refused, but I persevered, and he got one of his brother's cards & screwed it up in his hand on his way.
I told him he was losing two of his Captain Underpants books, and told him to get his pyjamas on because he was having an early night.

He is in his room, but totally refusing to put his pyjamas on & screaming out "you're mean", along with other similar things.

I have had to shut his bedroom door & walk away because I feel I am about to lose the plot with him & I don't want to do that.

Where am I going wrong? Be as blunt with me as you need to because I really need help here. I sometimes feel so out of control on my own with these boys, and know I am getting it all wrong.

[OverMyDeadBody]

Sounds like you reacted in the right way to the situation to me. Sometimes walking away is the only option and not a bad thing, it gives everyone a chance to calm down a bit.

[Pinkchampagne]

He clearly has no respect for me though, so I am getting it all wrong somewhere.

[OverMyDeadBody]

oh, and they are bound to play up less for their dad, after all, he's not there day in and day out dealing with every little thing and maybe your boys are more likely to need his approval so better behaved around him, whereas they are secure in the knowledge that you'll always be there and your love is unconditional so are at ease misbehaving for you. Don't put it down to a failure on your part. All siblings fight.

[Dynamicnanny]

You did exactly the right thing - you say why are they only like this for me - it's because they're secure enough to act put as they know you will always be there and will implement rules/boundaries

[OverMyDeadBody]

He's testing the boundaries, I wouldn't say he has no respect for you, I'm sure he's not always like this!

I know how hard it is though, dealing with all the hard stuff day in and day out on your own, as a single parent.

[OverMyDeadBody]

Dynamicnanny explained exactly what I meant, only better!

[castlesintheair]

Do you treat them differently PC? Do you know how your ex is with them when they are staying with him?
I'm just wondering because I noticed my friend's 'difficult' DS behaves impeccably until his father comes into the picture. He shouts a lot and tends to 'baby' his DS. Can you ask an honest friend to give an opinion?

[Pinkchampagne]

I don't think I treat them differently. They are very different personalities, so I might treat them a little differently at times because of that, but discipline wise I treat them the same, I think.

[Pinkchampagne]

I have started doing reward charts with them too. I don't want to keep shouting & being a horrible mum - apart from anything, it rises my stress levels to very unhealthy limits. It is so hard at times though, and I often think I am not cut out to be a mum.

[Pinkchampagne]

Are boys of this age especially trying at times, or is it just my DS?!

[OverMyDeadBody]

PC sometimes when I'm getting really stressed and all I want to do is shout I take a few deep breaths and then fake being a perfect calm mum, and it actually helps me calm down and what started as really fake pretending becomes more normal and helps me calm down.

Other times when I know DS is deliberately trying to wind me up and looking for a reaction (usually when he's tired or over-stressed) I act in the opposite way to what he'd expect, so instead of telling him off or showing that he's annoyed me I pretend to be happy or laugh or just say "that's nice dear". maybe not the best response but it does help difuse the situation sometimes.

[CarGirl]

I don't want to be horrid about but your ex and your Dad constantly undermine you, do not respect you so I think that could well be a factor in the situation? The sublime message they get from them is then must be obeyed and women can be ignored.

I think your ds behaviour sounds average btw

[oops]

Message withdrawn

[Pinkchampagne]

You may have a point there CG. Ex H is always going on about how they never mess with him, and it is because I am a soft touch etc. He would say these kind of things in front of the boys.

DS was calling out to me, and I went to his room & told him I would listen to him when he listened to me & put his pyjamas on as asked. I then left the room & shut the door.
He then appeared a few minutes later with his pyjamas on, apologised to me & hugged me. I asked him to do the same to his brother, which he did, so he was then allowed downstairs & has his poster back. He was warned it would go away again if I ever had a repaet of the behaviour we had earlier though.

He is calm now. Did I handle it the right way?

[Pinkchampagne]

I have bought that book, oops, but haven't yet got round to reading it.

[CarGirl]

To me I think you handled it well. Walking away is often a good tactic when you actually feeling like screaming at them!

[castlesintheair]

You handled it very well PC. I ignore as much as possible when my DCs are fighting. Half the time they are just trying to get your attention and want you to side with them imo.

[Pinkchampagne]

Thanks for your replies. I would often ignore, but when one of them gets hurt, I will step in.