Help please! My one year old DD doesn't like me.

[mumatsea]

Actually that is not true overall but it seems like it whenever DH is around. Now I understand that it is normal for children to have preferences but she is only one year old! She will scream if I try to take her from him (and fight to get over to back to him) and always goes to him if there is an option. She even gets cross if I get her out of her highchair rather than him. Upsetting though this is I could just about rationalise it. After all, he is away a lot/works late so when he is home in the evenings it usually for the bathtime and stories bit - not the dinner and clearing up- and at weekends he generally just carries her around (and applauds her every move!) rather than encouraging her to play. However, recently this behaviour has started to happen with the nanny! (I work 3-4 days). Obviously none of the above arguments apply to her as she sees her all the time.
What am I doing wrong? We do have a good time when we are together, I play with her, she is affectionate and I can always make her laugh. Yet when I come home from work, she seems happy to see me but then will cry when she realises the nanny is leaving. I know I shouldn't get upset but I can't help it. I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with. If I know Dh will be home before me I almost don't bother to rush home from work as I know I'll be sidelined and just end up with the chores- cos she won't let go of DH. And as for the humiliation of having your DD scream as you try and take her from the nanny...
Has anyone else had this? Have tried to mentioning it to a couple of friends with similar age children but they just look at me as if I am mad (or an ogre). Any advice or experience would be great as I am getting so down about this.

[bubblagirl]

i dont think there is too much you an do all children go through these stages my ds was like this with my dp for along time near on 2 yrs and now he is ahppy to leave me and go to him

to be honest i would say take that time to do something for yourself and allow them that special time together dont see it as your not wanted she is sharing her love she is happy to be with you other times so she is sharing her love

leave them to it and get dh to every now and then give you both time together whilst he dissapears for while and then re enter the room paying her no attention so she can get used to shared attention

and maybe get him to not hold her all day so she can share attention

and dont take it personally

[scootermum]

Hi,

I started a thread re this under behaviour about my 2.5 year old..very similar situation..look it up as people geve good advice..(it was last week)

Its horrid..my sympathies I had an awful weekend with mine last weekend-I cried all day on Sunday as it really got to me.You never think when you have a baby that there will be days like this (not till they are 13 anyway!)But am sure its just a phase..not that that is much help in the here and now I know..I think the trick is not to take it personally (easier said than done)..Their minds just dont work the same as ours yet.DD loves you I am sure and it will pass.My DD has been great today for example and its been a long time since I could say that.She gave me a lovely cuddle before bed which hasnt happened in ages and I was beginning to think would never happen again.

With re the crying when you take her from the nanny.Mine does this too.But then I probably would.The CM plays with her all day.They never have to go to the shops or other boring stuff like that.Plus the cm never gets frustrated (or never shows it) and is never too tired to play with her.With me DD has to put up with these things at times becuase that is life..it cant all be party party party.I try to see her crying as a sign that she is just really happy and having a great time at the cm , which I am happy with,rather than she doesnt like me IYSWIM?

[bubblagirl]

didnt read the nanny bit get nanny to put her down onto the floor to play when you come in so you can greet her without having to take her off her

it may not be you she is screaming at but the fact she doesnt want to be moved not you personally so put her on floor to play then no handing over and upsetting her

[hettie]

hi there my sympathies- in our house my dh is god (well at least when it comes to ds (15 months)- I take a more balanced view ). Similar to you- when dh is around (mostly he's at work) he wants to do fun things and so that's mostly what ds experiences with daddy...... I suspect it was ever thus (at least if you have a lovely and involved dh). Dh does now pick him up a bit less and I am spending more time with him thanks to it being summer break, so things are a bit better. We still get tears and tantrums if daddy leaves the room (I can come and go at will!) and if he's upset it's dh he wants. I am resigned to it and I know the reasons, but its still tough- just wanted you to know you are not alone.....

[mumatsea]

Scootermum - I see your point. Is v helpful and good to know am not the only one. Thanks all
The nanny is very good and always has her playing so I don't physically prise Dd off her - so can't blame it on that. I guess I just need to see the positives but it is v. difficult not to take it personally.

[kingfix]

Same here! I had this idea that all little children were very Mummy-centric except mine. I think the nursery staff think I am a Cruella DeVill mother as DD 21 months doesn't even look up when I arrive to collect her but if it's Daddy she leaps to her feet and runs over. Different story at 5 am though...

[talilac]

Hey Mumatsea, I went through something very similar with DD1 at around the same age.. It did pass after a month or two.

[micci25]

all kids do it dont worry it will change as she gets older. i met my dp when dd1 was about 9 months she never really took to him as he didnt have much to do with her day to day care untill he took on holiday when she was about 16 months and i went get to pick her out of her buggy and she said "no daddy do it" first time she had called him daddy too. she used to think that the ant off the post offiice ad was her daddy . for the rest of the holiday she was all over him, she now switches between favourites atm its me because dp leaves empty lager cans everwhere!

[pixiepolar]

Hi there,
I just wanted to start a thread just like yours. Its late at night but I'm still awake feeling devastated about the situation with my son. In my case on top of everything I am not with the father any more and that seems to have made the bond between them juts stronger. We are still on very good terms and tonight (daddy's night) I was meeting some mutual friends in a cafe and my son and ex came along just before bedtime around 6;30. my son had fallen asleep on the way there and just woken up and did not even react to seeing me there. He was sitting on daddy's lap the whole time and snuggled up to him. when I just touched him he behaved as if I was a stranger and didn't want to be touched at all. I don't even dare to pick him up or take him away from daddy because the screaming that would follow would be so upsetting and I would be embarrassed in front of my friends because they would all feel sorry for me/ My ex always looks in a way as to apologize for our sons behaviour. That only makes me feel as if he wants to say "sorry he doesn't love you"
I so much hope it's just a phase. One good thing about not being with the dad anymore is that I generally can easily avoid situations where I feel too rejected. On the other hand I find it even worse that my son does cling to daddy so much because we are not together and he isn't there for me to support me in my sadness. I don't think anyone truly can understand how the rejection by your own child feels if they haven't been there. I sometimes realize that I reject him for his behaviour which is the worst feeling in the world. even worse than his rejection because I feel so guilty for it.
I should add that he is adorable and lovely to me when dad is not around. which I think is what most of you experience to.
Really helps to know that so many of you have the same issues.

[whomovedmychocolate]

My DD is like that with her dad - only mummy will do and quite honestly it's a complete pain for all of us - so you are stuck either way!

It does pass though. We found that if Daddy did a fair share of dishing out treats/trips things improved, esp. when I made a big thing of thanking him.

[mumatsea]

Oh pixiepolar - you have my sympathies. It is hard enough without the added problem you have. DH has atleast been supportive (after I told him to stop trying to persuade/apologise in front of my DD - as that makes me feel worse)...
Am really hoping is a phase as people here say - although the 'daddy is best' has been going on for 2 + months already so was even more upset when she extended it to the nanny. No sign of the phase shifting as yet... I guess I should be thankful she is not clinging to my ankles as I write this!

[forevared]

I went throught his aswell, and want to reassure you it definitely will pass. From an early age ds1 became a real daddy's boy. He'd ignore me totally or physically wriggle out of my cuddles to be with daddy. He'd cry if I tried to do things with him while dh was around and basically made me feel totally unloved. I could give hundreds of examples but you get the picture. The only time he seemed to enjoy my company was when we were on our own.
I spent months crying and feeling awful, dh did his best to reassure me but I thought this was it, he just didn't love mummy. Then a few months later, about 18 months of age, things started to change and he would go a few weeks being very mummy-centric which was wonderful. Then it would swap back again. Just after his 2nd birthday though and it all seemed to become pretty much 50/50 in his love and attention. He's now 29 months and 2 weeks ago he said I love you for the first time and he said it to me! I just cried I was so happy as I never thought that it would be me. Now I can look back and laugh at myself for getting so upset, but at the time it was hell.
I just wanted to tell you my story as I really feel for all you mums going through this, please take heart and although this might go on for a while yet, it will change even though I thought it never would.

[lilymama]

omigod-thank goodness its not just me. I too have been in tears this morning- my dd is 1 and would rather go to her gran or even my dh's sons from his 1st marriage who range from 11-16! I should be pleased for the free time I suppose but like you I just feel rejected. If I try to take her off them she moans and wants to go straight back. I am still off work and we have great fun when its just us but if they r around-I don't exist. She screams with happiness when they come in the room but if I enter its a glance up then carry on. I left her at my mums overnight recently for 1st time and hoped for reaction when I went to get her next day but no. Can't wait for it to change.

[mumatsea]

this is just an up date in case anyone searches old threads for advice/sympathy. Just as everyone said, it did pass with time. DD is still very much a daddy's girl but it really does vary (and DH now has to remember his own words when it happens to him) and she no longer seems to prefer the nanny to me! Probably the thing that made the biggest difference was time but in the short term the things that did seem to make a difference were 1) getting the nanny and daddy to 'big up' mummy in the same way I did for them on mat leave ("OH! Who can you hear? IS that daddy? Yay! It's daddy!!) but more importantly 2)taking a moment before I came home/picked her up to take a few deep breaths, be calm and smile. DD was definitely worse when I rushed in late and stressed. Easy to say but hard to when you are late and stressed! Anyway, hope if anyone is going through this, you will know it's not just you and it will get easier!