Where can I go to get some help?

[kkgirl]

We are really having problems in my family. Have a boy nearly 11 and twins boy and girl 8 and 1/2. They are all strong natured, and the boys are close, the oldest boy does anything he can to wind girl up and she reacts, tears, kicking things etc. Also she seems to blow up about anything she can whenever she can.
DH is not patient and doesn't try to calm and diffuse, so every little problem blows up into a huge row, and it is getting me down. I don't know where to go for help, but it is getting to the point where I don't want to wake up in the mornings to another day of hell basically, wondering when it will kick off and who will start it all.

Also if you suggest doing anything to the children that they don't like the idea of, I suggested driving to Oxford today to look around, change of scene, etc, all we get is squabbles, and I'm not doing that kind of reactions.

All I ever wanted was a family, and now I've got them, and they are in the last stages, of wanting to be with us, they will soon start to become more and more independent and be off doing their own things, but I don't want to wish these times away.

I have tried looking for places to help but apart from Relate who are £45 an hour, and you need a lot of sessions, cannot find anything relating to family problems.

[RudolftheredPOSEYreindeer]

Really sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment. Don't think I can be of much help really. Wondering though if the kids know how their behaviour is affecting you. Is yours the type of family where you could sit down at a time when you aren't in the middle of a row, and therefore less emotional, and discuss how you feel about the constant rows and bad-feeling?
I'm sure some wise mumsnetter will have been there and can give you some advice, but until then didn't want you to be sitting there waiting for a reply.

[OLittleYurtofBethlehem]

Hi KKgirl - cant say much now as dd is about to wail for my attention but i will definitely catch up with this thread tommorrow - your children sound so much like my brother and i as kids - I think its great you are trying to resolve things - thats a start - {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} to you xxx

[yulettsdaughter]

Do you have a sympathetic GP - would s/he be able to refer you to any organisations?

[paolosgirl]

We are having the same problems with ds - he fights with his shadow, as well as anyone else who gets in his way. I believe, from speaking to friends who have brothers, that the fighting is typical - not much help when they're kicking and pulling each others hair out. We went to our GP, and she referred us to a child psychologist. I don't know if that would be appropriate in your case, but the GP may be able to refer you to someone without you having to pay. Good luck, I do sympathise. We go through the same hell each day.

[kkgirl]

Thanx guys

We have tried talking to them, but dd doesn't know why she is like she is, and the boys well, you might as well bang your head against the wall. I think maybe we should see a child psychologist, but whether they could help I don't know. We have had a long talk about things tonight. DH and I love each other, we have been together 16 years, and have definately drifted a bit over the years, especially since having the kids. But we do love each other, have gone through some bad times, and want to be together, even though sometimes both of us feel like jacking it all in. We have no time away from the children, we are always in each others pockets, and that won't change, we have no one to help us, so we have to face it.
Anyway we have come to some conclusions, and I am going to find out about parentplus courses, and maybe try to find out whether Relate could offer advice.

[anorak]

kkgirl, relate are not £45 an hour, they take voluntary contrubutions.

[WideWebWitch]

kkgirl, what about parentline plus or is that the people you've already mentioned? Will see if I can find a link. ok, here

[vess]

I think maybe try and encourage them to go out and play with friends rather than stay with each other - especially the girl - or have friends round to play. Good social life outside the house will definitely help, at least a bit! Kids fight with siblings when they are bored and need their own space.
I don't think they will understand how you feel, though.
I used to fight with my brother a lot when we were kids...on winter afternoons while stuck in the house it typically took us less than 5 minutes to start a fight!

[ChristmasCracker]

I am having much the same probs as you, but my kids are 7,5 and 2.

My dp is not patient at all either so every little thing becomes a huge big deal and ends up with us all shouting and screaming at each other.

It is very hard to find help i agree. A while ago i was looking for a parenting class to help me deal with dd2's behaviour but i couldn't find anything. I spoke to my H.V who just reffered dd to have a hearing test and when she passed that i got no more help.

I fear that things can only get worse in our house as the kids get worse and i get less able to cope with them.

[kkgirl]

CC

I know what you mean. We find it very hard to discipline them. It gets meaningless when you keep saying, "If you do that, then we will take x away, or you won't go to x". Half the time they don't care anyway, and we end up dividing them up and spending no time as a family anyway.

[bakedpotatohoho]

kkgirl, this may be a bit extreme but you must be on your knees, and, well, it's one way to get results (from the bbc webpage)

Little Angels


Are your kids driving you mad?


If your kids are fighting, throwing tantrums, squabbling, defiant, always answering back or just out of your control, and you'd welcome the chance to improve your parenting skills, we'd like to hear from you.

BBC Science is making a second series of Little Angels about parenting children aged 3 -10. If you feel like you could do with some help, please get in touch. There is no commitment at this stage, and all calls will be in confidence.

If you are interested in taking part in this programme,

• phone: Helen: 020 8752 6297 or Nikita: 020 8752 6289
  
• email: [email protected]

[OLittleYurtofBethlehem]

Hi kkgirl -

My brother and i did not get on at all when we were kids. At the time i thought this was because of his temper tantrums - mum always gave in to him to avoid the row from him if she didnt - He started this at 18 months and kept it up till he was about 20 - Basically it resulted in me being bullied violently and abusive language throughout my childhood and teenage years (i am 2 years older) The memories still linger

I now realise the probs were basically cos of my parents inability to communicate - resulting in my bro and i getting conflicting messages. WE still dont communicate though we do get on now.

AT the time i desparatly wanted:

My parents to listen to how i felt about things
To stop my brother repeatedly getting away with bullying me
To intervene when he was punching me and dragging me around

HTH - will think some more - the main thing is to try to sort things out as otherwise IME they only get worse. - certainly putting my bro and i in separate rooms to watch tv etc didnt solve the prob - just temporarily covered it up

Is dd jealous of her brothers closeness? - just a thought

[zebra]

Have you read this book , kkgirl? I thought it was pretty good.

[jollymum]

my kids are like this all the time, well mostly. it's natural like puppies in a pack asserting themselves.Your little girl is probably hitting "near puberty' hormone surges. Try keeping a track of your periods and see if her major mood swings are around then. my girl aged 9.5 is getting evil and spiteful and boy, do her brothers know it. She will take on the 15 year old no problem and bites, kicks and scratches. If that doesn't work she screams at him and wait for it......SLAMS her door. Don't react every time, let them fight it out because by the time you've stomped upstairs, stopping what you're doing, having a row with your dh about whose turn it is to seperate the ....... wotsits, I bet it's died down. There must be a time, even one, when they sit in the same room and don't fight. Resign yourself to it and take a picture maybe counselling will help, BUT one word of advice. I've been to one session, just one and believe me,I won't be going again. According to them it was all the parent's fault, me and my Dh, who have loved them, picked them up from school every day, etc etc etc and we have to "learn" to be better parents?! Bollocks, we are good parents, not perfect by any means, but we love our kids and that's what matters. Some parent schemes may help, don't get me wrong, and I'm sure there are some brilliant ones out there. I have watched all the parenting things, "Little Angels" etc and IMHO it's a mixture of spoilt kids and parents who don't listen. How many of you have wanted to slap ones of those little angels and also shake the parents who care more about work/possessions/status and shout "look at your kids, they just want you!!" The fact that you're on here asking for help makes you a brilliant parent and don't forget that ever. Look at them when they are being nice and say a quiet payer of thanks fir them being alive at all. I'm not being sanctimonious etc but my kids are little shits most of the time, evil little monsters but only I can say that because i would die/kill for them and when I look at the ttC thread, I know i am so lucky

[kkgirl]

Thanks for all your suggestions. It is just what I wanted, ie someone who doesn't know us, and is not involved with it, but can offer constructive ideas to help. We will look through all the ideas, and it might be a question of trial and error. DH is trying really hard, I know that having three kids is difficult for him, he was the youngest child, his brother is 16 years older and his sister 10 so he was like an only child. He doesn't have the patience, but has tried really hard, and it won't happen overnight.
We had a good talk last night and have thought of some ways of trying to ease it. We accept that times ahead will be harder once we hit the teenage years.
I don't kid myself that I am the best parent, I do try, but I know that I do need to give more quality time to them, so I am going to go and join in a play which dd is doing now. So off the computer, and thanks for all your support. I do appreciate it so much.