Bullying - correct approach to handle?

[anajane]

Sorry if I've double posted this, I put this in the Primary section then saw this and then thought it might be more appropriate here

Hi everyone,

I always see such great advice on here that I wanted to ask everyone's opinion on this before acting.

My 5 yr old has been saying over the last few months that another girl has been hitting/kicking/pinching her. There is some history between them (our dd became friends with the other one's best friend at nursery). Anyway we encouraged her to shout no and to tell a teacher as soon as it happens. On a few of the occasions, I've spoken to the teacher but the response has always been the same, that they haven't seen anything (shock - horror, bullies don't hit and kick in front of teachers!) but they'll keep an eye on it. As there weren't any witnesses to the incidents we thought this was fairly reasonable.

Then last week dd said after school that the other child had kicked her (there was a bruise) but a parent helper had seen it and sent the other child to another room. I, naturally, got angry at this but didn't want to go in yet again to the teacher with what might be a story, so I rang the parent helper (who I didn't really know that well) just to verify if she had seen anything. She responded that she hadn't so I thought..phew.. good thing I checked first and didn't go in guns blazing demanding that something be done. The next day at school and the teacher takes me aside and says that she had received a report from the parent helper and that I had "stepped over the line" by contacting her after hours and intimating that she and the teacher hadn't been doing their jobs. I didn't think I was trying to do this, on the contrary I thought that I was doing the right thing by checking the facts before accusing anyone.

So do you think I did right by attempting to check the story beforehand ? What were my choices? Ignore the incident? Report it to the teacher again without verifying it?

[FranSanDisco]

I think you should have spoken to the teacher and asked her to verify it with the parent helper. I've had a parent stop my mother and accuse my son of punching his daughter. He had bumped into her by accident. This was verified by the teacher and the Head spoke to the parent. I had another parent say similar about my dd and is was also incorrect. Accidents happen and children can't always judge accidental and on purpose very well at this age imo. If bullying is occurring the teacher needs to know about the instances your dd reports to you.

[catzy]

I think you may have put the parent helper on the spot. Imagine if she'd said yes and you went and had a go at the Bully's parents. Not saying you would but she didn't know that.

I would ask to make an appointment with the teacher and tell her all your concerns about this child.

If she is badly behaved the teacher will be aware of it and be looking at ways of improving/curing the childs behaviour. Explain that you didn't mean to overstep the mark and you thought you were doing he right thing.

It wouldn't hurt to apolgise to the the parent helper as well and tell her the same thing.

The Teacher will be aware of more than you think. She's probably already working with the childs parents to try and sort out the behaviour.

Good luck and I hope it improves.

[lucyellensmum]

I think you should apologise for taking the wrong course of action but explain that you were worried for your DD who is making consistent complaints about this other child. You need to sort this out, chances are it will blow over but the school are not handling this properly. They shoudlnt wait for "evidence" as at this age it is not about accusing. It is about stopping what is upsetting your child and showing that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. This doesnt have to be done via punishment (that might make things worse in some cases i guess. If you get no joy with the teacher then speak to the head, stamp this out now, i was bullied throughout both primary and secondary school - it has made a huge difference to who i am today.

[anajane]

FranSanDisco

I think you should have spoken to the teacher and asked her to verify it with the parent helper.
If bullying is occurring the teacher needs to know about the instances your dd reports to you.
We had spoken to the teacher several times before about previous incidents but there were no witnesses and so had got the same response: we haven't seen anything but we'll keep an eye out. This time we thought there was a witness but I wanted to make sure of the facts before approaching the teacher yet again.

Catzy
I think you may have put the parent helper on the spot. Imagine if she'd said yes and you went and had a go at the Bully's parents. Not saying you would but she didn't know that.
Yes you're right. We wouldn't have approached the parents directly but as you say she wouldn't know that.

Lucyellensmum
the school are not handling this properly
I think this too, after approaching the teacher several times I would have thought that at the very least I would have been given the school's anti-bullying policy and had an explanation of how to formally report this. I have felt that it isn't being taken seriously and perhaps thats why I wanted to verify that it had been seen first before going back to the teacher.

Thank you all for your comments, I will sleep on it tonight and speak to the teacher tomorrow.

[stuffitllama]

Anajane, you thought you were doing the right thing, you thought you were being sensitive. The parent helper should have said to you, I wish you hadn't talked to me, I'm embarrassed by it, rather than reporting you to the teacher. You've tried to handle things well and it's gone badly for you -- and all the while your daughter is unhappy.

Don't apologise to the parent helper, talk to the teacher, explain why you did it, and explain that you felt you weren't getting enough support and that you didn't want to run to school with another tale for fear of crying wolf. Explain that you feel the parent helper should have spoken to you - -and anyhow this whole business is taking attention away from the problems that are besetting your daughter. Ask what is supposed to happen if there are NEVER any witnesses to what is going on. Your daughter has told you something incredibly important and is effectively being told, we don't believe it unless we see it. This needs to be addressed much more proactively by the teacher and you must not feel that you have been put on the back foot by this incident with the parent helper. You are doing your best for your daughter.

[anajane]

stuffitllama, thank you so much for your reply, you have captured exactly how I feel.

You're right I do feel like I'm being punished for doing what I thought was best for my daughter and for trying to be sensitive and not waste anyone's time. I have written a letter in which I have apologised to the teacher and the parent helper but also expressed frustration at the lack of action and belief. I've used some of your wording in the letter (hope you don't mind) and arranged to meet the teacher next week.

Thank you again for your excellent advice.

[stuffitllama]

Good luck Anajane, let us know how it goes x

[gothicmama]

anajane try to equip your dd with other ways of dealing with this, let her know she is believed and give her strategies for example smiling at the girl and talking to her. When dd was in a similar situation I was told by school she needed to toughen up so and i am not totally happy with this I said if someone hits/ kicks you you can do the same to them but try to be nice to them first