I need a child psychologist / behavioural therapist, I think. What is the procedure

[QuintessentialShadow]

My 5 1/2 year old boy has since october turned himself into the class bully.
There is an incident nearly every day now, that he has hurt somebody in the playground, or threatened to do so.

At first it could be explained away and in his "favour", but it is every day.

This morning his teacher took me aside and said that he had told a little girl "I am going to kick you in the face" because she wouldnt let him in on the climbing frame.

He used to be such a nice boy. And most of the time at home he is nice and caring. There has been 2 incidents this week where he has pushed his brother who is just 2 1/2. The first time the little boy fell flat on his face and hurt his chin as he was pushed in his back, and this morning he pushed him off the sofa.

I dont believe in smacking, I have never exercised this kind of punishment. I talk to him and explain why good behaviour is essential. The worst I have done is deprive of computer time, and send to his room for a short while.

We dont watch violent movies or cartoons at home, it scares his brother.

At the moment I am beginning to really dislike my own child. I cannot understand why he behaves in this way when he has been told of the consequences; that nobody wants to play with him, nobody wants to be friends with him because he keeps being bad. I keep telling him only HE can change this, and it can only be done by being good.

I dont know WHERE I go wrong. I could cut of my arm for my kids. But with this one, I get nowhere.

I think by now I need to speak to a child psyhcologis or a behavioural therapist that can help me/us understand why he is like this, and what we can do to change it.

Where do I start? The school? The GP?

[southeastastra]

been there it's so hard isn't it.

the school started the referrals for my son. maybe talk to the teacher?

[QuintessentialShadow]

Devastating. I am going to ask an appointment with his teacher.

[southeastastra]

though i should have added that since starting year 2 my son has completely stopped that behaviour at school. but can still be quite agressive at home.

[chocolatemummy]

you could try and get as much help as possible to show your commitment and concern as that helps speed things up, child psychology usually have waiting lists of up to a year!
Go to GP and tell them and Enrol on some parenting courses they are so helpful and for anyone who wants them call your local council and then through there you may well get help alot quicker than through your GP

[twocutedarlings]

Has his teacher any ideas as to why his behaviour had changed so much ?

Has he picked this behaviour up from any of the other kids at school?

[pagwatch]

I found a REALLY good ed psych privately ( but my need was urgent and huge). He came to our home and was great. I knew his antecedents were good as i had met him at a centre dealing with speech and language problems for whom he was a consultant.
My point being that you can get a private appointment if a) you want to and b) you can afford it.

[QuintessentialShadow]

pagwatch, are you in London by any chance? How much is his hourly rate?

More importantly, did you get results?

[pagwatch]

He works around home counties. I was in Surrey at the time.
he helped enormously. DS has severe autism and he helped me deal with him much more effectively. He also helped a friend whoses son had ADHD and poss aspergers. It was a few years ago though. let me check the detail I have and see if still current.
I'll get back to you after school run

[kayjayel]

HI QES,

Poor you, how awful to be facing this.

In terms of services - you could probably find a private child psychologist through BPS.org.uk, or asking your local services for recommendations.

Through NHS, you should be able to access support, but services are poorly funded and vary across areas. Your GP can refer you to your Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, but as I said its harder to get services for younger kids, and for behavioural problems. The best evidence is for a parenting group (better learning from group with other parents, and experiential learning) - Webster-Stratton is pretty good IF run by an accredited trainer. Anyone pretty much can do the W-S training, but to be good (quality assured) they will be videoed and supervised and then they get accreditted. So do ask whether they're accreditted or not. Plus a recent study showed that such groups are better when run by someone with a doctoral level psychology degree (i.e. a clinical psychologist). You may be able to find private groups - not entirely sure where. I like it - do it with my child, and he's a good age for it. And even though I'd read the book, doing the group made it much more real.

In terms of school you do need to get the Ed Psych on board - for young kids really the problem is rarely (though sometimes) coming only from themselves, but is being maintained and kept a problem by the environment. I.e. is he getting lots of attention for his behaviour. Sometimes schools get stuck - e.g. 'I have to react because its a dangerous behaviour' - but when observed they actually react with lots of comments, negative body language, eye contact, strong tone of voice etc. This can unfortunately be rewarding, in the psychology sense, in that it increases the likelihood of that behaviour. A good ed psych should be able to assess this and help the teacher find other ways to manage it. Also you can ask for some clear strategies from them:
e.g. - when he does X - what does teacher do?
For each individual behaviour.

Plus he desperately will need some positives - how about a 'Pride' book where he gets comments written throughout the day where he has pleased his teachers or been kind, and this book is given to him to give to you. Otherwise he is getting stuck in lots of negatives. Obviously teachers will need to tell you the bad stuff but if this can be kept separate from him and from the positive messages it may help him to value his positive behaviour.

I really feel for you - its a horrible position to be in and I hope that you get some help but the good news is that he's really young enough to be able to turn it around if he gets help. I hope you find some helpful people to support you. Good luck

[QuintessentialShadow]

The thing is, and my mind really doesnt want to go there. But around the time my son was around 2 1/2 my husband and I was going through a really bad patch. We were arguing quite a lot, it was never violent, and I dont think he noticed as he was either asleep or at nursery, but my dh has been managing his stress levels alot better the last 3 years, and he hardly ever shouts now. I am on some level worried that he "remembers". At the same time, my neighbour is experiencing domestic violence, his bedroom window faces her house. She and her boyfriend is arguing and fighting most weekends, as he comes over then. And I dont know if he is woken up at night, if it is giving him bad dreams. "I am going to kick you in the face" is the kind of thing my neighbours boyfriend would say....

[pagwatch]

Q
the guy I used is here.

Please don't blame yourself or your circumstances as , whilst it is only human, it will distract you from helping him.
I felt incredibly guilty about my DS and I was unconciously making some situations worse.

the good thing about the home visit is that I got very very specific feedback. He was able to see the dynamic actually happen and I then learnt how to avoid the same triggers in future and help my DS calm himself and used differnt methods of expressing his frustration.
to illustrate how we can innocently make things worse i was asking DS questions all the time to try and engage him. As he simply couldn't process my questions I was just driving him nuts! obviously not your situation but it shows how we can get into habits and traps from the best of intentions.

I would also read kayjayels post several times as it is truly fab.
Hope this is of some use. Don't be put off by the Harley Street thing. He is a serious guy and really nice

[QuintessentialShadow]

Thanks, Kayjayel and Pagwatch for very good and helpful posts.

I will have bookmarked the website you mention pagwatch, and will use it if things dont improve from now on. As my son has been home sick, we have spent a lot of time talking. Or I have spent a lot of time talking, and it seems consequences and cause and action may be dawning on him.

Kayjayel, I shall ask for a meeting with the teacher. I know from before that what works best for my son is praise and praise. I dont think he get enough stickers as rewards, and I think the school need to go back to use rewards for him like they did in reception to point out good behaviour to him rather than just focus on the negative like they are doing now. I guess I need to go back to doing a reward chart. He had a period of unsettlednes when he just started reception, and knew nobody. He did not have much in terms of social skills and did not know how to make (and keep) friends as he had been in the same nursery with the same children since he was 1. Also, his only other friends he had grown up with (my friends from NCT classes) so not ever needed to know how to make friends. I think it is the same issues really now. As it is ok in class, the problems seem to only occur in break time, and only if they dont want to play with him. He retaliates. But what he needs to realize is that they dont want to play with him now is because he has not been behaving very well for some time now, and he needs to start afresh.

I will rearead this thread later when the house is quiet and the kids in bed.

I recognise that I need as much help as him, as I need to learn how to deal with all the different spectrums of behaviour. His behaviour has been so easy. He was an "angel" child till he started school.

[kayjayel]

I just thought I'd add that the school may have access to behaviour support, learning mentor, nurture groups, circle time, lots of things that might help with extra social skills.

Could you look into social stories - its a technique used mainly with autistic children, but is basically about helping kids understand social situations? You could adapt them to help talk about whats happening.

social stories

It might also be worth introducing (or you may already do this) lots of feeling talk - when I am happy I... when I am sad I... when I am angry I ... this then can develop into what things make you angry, sad, worried, happy. Just to make sure he has a language to communicate whats happening and give him an alternative to showing his feelings behaviourally.

Its great that school does have reward systems - all we know about human behaviour shows that reward works - punishment has a very short-term effect and lots of negative long term effects so any way of managing behaviour should focus on those reward systems. Plus most important thing to kids is loving relationship and it sounds like you definitely have that.

Good luck - I definitely don't have an angel-child and am also dreading the school stage for similar reasons to yours. Do let us know if you manage to get some useful help.

[pagwatch]

Yes - keep us informed if thats ok Q

I did find helping DS2 make a book about his feelings helped too.
We found lots of pictures and words representing how he felt when he was upset or angry and then the second half was aboutthings he COULD do to help him feel better/work through it. DS2 was the one who came up with pounding up and down onhis trampoline when he was getting frustrated at home so somtimes their 'calming' methods are quite imaginative.
Lots of taking about situations helped too - how other people might be feeling so that he trys to be a bit more empathetic.
( it worked as DS2 now hugs anyone who is crying - sometimes much to their surprse )
Good luck