HELP!23 months and terrible at sharing...age old story i know!

[kutilputil]

hi, my ds is 23 months today and for the past 5-6 months he has become a nuisance when it comes to sharing.i have friends with kids older and younger than him and we were also on the other end of the stick when he was younger and a friends dd (older)would take each and every toy away from him, be it in her house or ours.i would be heart broken at the look on my ds's face and cringed every time she came into contact with him.Now he is at that similar age and he has become 'her' taking away toys etc from kids older and especially younger than him in both our house and theirs.i do feel terrible for the child on the recieving end and am clueless as to what to do to help the sittuation, or even at least how to live with it at i'm having sleepless nights over this.my ds is otherwise a beautiful child, happy and content,speaking and listening to me most of the time, we have a lovely time, its just when we have playtime with other kids he errupts.usually he snatches the toy from the kid saying 'mine' and sad thing of all he puts it away somewhere or gives them to an adult!if you ask him to share he says no and theres no going back.very rarely he shares, but with food its not a problem...whats going on?he now has resorted to lashing out sometimes if theres a struggle and thats worrying as i cannot always be there to police them and cannot rely on the other parents to be a good judge as they seem weak at understanding kids...and who will try to understand when their child is being wronged?i didnt, i only showed people on face value that 'its okay...babies do that'but deep down i wanted to throttle the kid!lolpls give me any advice as to how to cope, i know this is normal and most babies do this but how do i deal with it?what can i do for him, mysle and the other kid?any advice much appreciated.

[glaskham]

with my son i used to go over to him and give the toy back to the other child by force if needed then pick him up, take him away from the situation and explain to him that 'he needs to share, and if he was playing with a toy and another little boy or girl took it off him he wouldn't like it would he'.... he got out of it pretty fast to be honest.....but at the same time he has a sister who is 15.5 mths younger so he has to share all day everyday at home too....

i have friends who would make their child sit on a 'naughty chair' or on their knee for a minute and then let them down saying if you dont share you'll have to sit on there again and not be able to play....

[Othersideofthechannel]

I think he is too young to understand the concept of sharing nicely. If he is taking a toy from a younger child who doesn't mind giving it up, you could encourage him to give a different toy in exchange. And/or teach him to ask before taking even if the child is too young to respond.

[DynamicNanny]

I know it sounds like an added cost but could you not borrow some toys from the toy library and only use them when your friends come round - then when he snatches you can explain that they are the libraries and not his and that he needs to share them - this used to work with our toddlers (1-2 year olds) at nursery - we used to say thats nurserys and they would share them - then put the toys away do that they only come out when friends come round - then slowly incorporate in ome of his toys for them to play with - maybe ask him what toys shall we share with .... , also make sure that you and your friends/family are seen sharing and that you make a fuss of it eg sharing half a banana with DH say oh thank you - its nice to share isn't it

[kutilputil]

again...is this method of explaining whats his and whats not beyond his comprehension?i mean, he behaves like this even in other peoples houses/playgroup...and so do the other kids....its only difficult to bear when your own does it as you feel like an incompetent mum....but pls share with me some simple methods!

[Othersideofthechannel]

I don't think he's too young to understand what's his and what isn't his. But it's a big step from that to being in control of his feelings enough to share well.

[mummymagic]

What about trying to help him enjoy watching the other child play with it?

My dd is 18mths and if she takes something I'd usually give it back to other child and say 'sweetheart, Susie was playing with that. Look, what's she doing? Is she going to bounce the ball/kiss the dolly/etc. what fun' etc etc. If she still persists, I'd be firmer 'no, susie is playing with it now' and encourage her to find another toy.

[emmaagain]

I have always worked on the principle that the child playing with a toy gets to play with it until they are finished.

So "Charlie is playing with that car... shall we wait for him to finish? Or how about playing with this nice red car instead?"

Often helps if parent starts an exciting game with an alternative toy so child gets drawn into that.

Also helps to have multiples of favourite toys around (noone can get possessive over 57 match box cars, or if they do, you can turn it into a hilarious game of hand car to child - other child snatches, lift next car - other child takes, and it can go on and on with mum recycling back into the game the ones the snatcher dropped until everyone is laughing and has forgotten which the car was that everyone was so keen to hold)

I think with little ones, we parents need to be very present, helping them negotiate interactions with other children, guiding in the moment rather than punishing or mopping up afterwards.

[kutilputil]

funny thing is as we (self and brothers/sisters)grew up, we hardly had our parents or any adults presence for that matter and we got on fine, the odd fights maybe but we learnt to deal with them and today i really dont see any damaging effects of not sharing or learning to share etc....mind you we did grow up with a very limited amount of toys, we mainly had sports stuff!are we just becoming too observant and expecting too much from teeny babies who should just play and not be worried about sharing and empathising etc?

[emmaagain]

I think we try to teach "sharing" as an abstract concept far too young, rather than just guiding our children through the practice of it without anyone getting upset or hurt, and then by the time they are old enough to get it, it's a no brainer.

"sharing" is just another word like "no" which probably seems like a magic evil spell to children.

Maybe it's because so many have to put their children in groups of other same-aged children from an early age, so there's likely to be competition for the same toys in the nursery room or whatever - you and brothers and sisters probably didn't compete, KP, because you were all different ages and interested in different things most of the time.

[Othersideofthechannel]

kids compete alot more when the parents are around to witness it.

[kutilputil]

oh that is so true!when i and friends are not in the room we here plesant activity going on but as soon as we sit down with a cuppa off they go!right about the brothers and sisters thing...we put kids of the same/similar age together a fight is enevitable!

[cockles]

My child (same age) says 'Share!' and then grabs the object and makes off with it. So it is possibly a bit too soon to make sense. BUt we do practice 'turns' which might help eventually - I mean with you & him, not just with other kids - you can do it with anything he enjoys and just keep reiterating 'mummy's turn.... x's turn'

[mummymagic]

emmaagain, I'm with you. I don't say the word 'share'.

Tbh I am not even sure if I even know what the concept 'share' actually means... Both get to play equally with something they want, or both enjoy the same toy at the same time???

Anyway, I am all for teaching her not to be rude, and teaching her to be happy doing something else or enjoying a new way of playing with the toy, with her friend (eg you push the pram, other one puts toys in or you watch her playing with it). Works quite well so far.

[kutilputil]

do you know whats the main reason why i fret so much...its because of the other parent, immediately i see them behave different with my ds and they then base opinions, or they would say something about another child who doesnt share and would show some kind of disgust for the behaviour...this is even though their own child does the same...im opposed to that negative reaction from other adults and therefore carry on with ds the way i do, otherwise i would be very relaxed because i know this is an aspect of the age they are at and it will all blow over...AND EVERYTHING EVENS OUT BY FOUR!OR DOES IT?LOL.when i notice this in other children my immediate worry is how to tackle the cinflict and make it better for both parties...i'm not biased and childish but unfortunately other mothers are...and fathers too!

[Othersideofthechannel]

I think it does get better at 4. DS is 4 and although doesn't instinctively share has started coming up with solutions to conflicts over a toy. Eg this morning he got to hold the disputed toy on the way to school and according to his plan DD will get to hold it on the way back (except that by then they'll both have forgotten about it of course)

Concerning your feelings about other parents reactions. Sometimes it is so hard not to feel judged. I am guilty of changing my tolerance of DCs behaviour because of what others might think. But I try hard not to because I know that in the long run consistency is the key.

[BlueberryPancake]

OK, you want a simple method. We do this at one of our playgroups and it has done well with DS who is 2 years old. It's a music group with lots of singing and claping etc.

We all sit in circle, there's about 10-12 kids of the same age (ish). The teacher takes a nice cuddly dog out of her bag and gives it to the first child, and we all sing 'bow wow wow, whose dog art thou, I am (child's name) Billy's dog bow wow wow'. Then the kid has to pass the dog to the next kid, and we all clap them if they do it well. we all sing again for the second child, the third, etc etc.

Believe me, the first week we did it most children made a fuss at sharing the dog, but we've now been doing this every week and now all the children share it without a problem. It has helped my son share with his littlebrother, and if he doesn't want to share I sing the song and positively encourage him. You could get a few friends around and 'practice' this every so often, and it might work, you never know.

[BlueberryPancake]

Also, some people suggest that if it happens, you pick up the toy by force and give it to the other child, and pick your child up to explain the situation etc etc.

I don't do that. I actually pay attention to the 'other' child.

OK, if DS is happily playing with a toy and another kid takes it from his hand, I actually tell the other child to give it back (a few eyebrows up??). I ask my so if he wants to share it, and try to 'resolve' the situation. I don't think it's fair to encourage your child to put up with other kids snatching toys from their hands.

However, if my son snatches a toy from another kid, or doesn't want to share and says 'my toy my toy'which is what he does with DS2, I pay attention to the other child. If you pay lots of attention to your kid when they misbehave, they get the message that they will get your attention whn they play up.