We've been through the 3s before, so I know that threenagers are more difficult than 2s. Also, dd has a very strong personality. But I just don't know what's just her personality or whether there's something else going on. The usual techniques, advised by everyone, just don't seem to work. I am completely out of ideas - and her cm has similar issues so I don't think it's a parenting/ home problem. I'm not proud about it but I have come so close to smacking her several times and I've no idea how I've managed to stop myself. I have lost it and shouted though.
She is 4 in November. Very bright, vocabulary and reasoning exceptional for her age (even strangers comment) so no developmental concerns in that respect. She can be kind - lovely in fact - helpful, good with other children and animals, sociable, confident, capable of very interesting and very involved conversations. She's loving and affectionate, makes eye contact well, is extremely expressive and fiercely independent (she was dressing herself by 18 months). She is well mannered and capable of really good behaviour - tidies up when asked, shares nicely (mostly) etc.
But. Her tantrums are something else. When having a particularly bad day she is controlling, talks back/ shouts at dh and I, argues. If we try to deal with it through disciple she gets worse. If we ignore her she gets even more angry and upset - will literally follow us around throwing doors open, screaming/ crying, attempting to get our attention by hitting, pushing us etc.
She doesn't cope well with change - at all - and seems to get very anxious when rushed. We try to pre-empt this by explaining in advance what will happen next. She has several 'routines' that make me think of ocd - things like needing to do things a certain number of times or in a certain order, like switching her light on and off 3 times before bed, needing to use the same table, not one that's practically identical, saying things in a certain order at bedtime and flying into a range at any deviation in routine. She is extremely sensitive about her socks and shoes - recently we've resorted to not making her wear socks because otherwise she will take her shoes on and off when we're trying to leave the house several times over because her socks 'are annoying' her. She likes things just so, and when in the wrong frame of mind, she will not compromise - at all.
We all feel like we're living on edge with her, every day, not knowing when she will kick off. As sad and awful as it sounds, we have even considered leaving her home while we take our ds (9) for a day out because dealing with her when she's like it causes so much tension. We've never done it of course, but poor ds is getting neglected while we try to deal with her and we can think of no other way. She ruined a day out yesterday, firstly by refusing to wear the shoes she brought (even though she chose the ones she wanted) and then because her socks were not feeling right, and at various points throughout the day because she wouldn't let me out of her sight. She only wants to do anything with me, never with dh, and it results in an almighty kick off if I give her no choice (for example if I need to take ds somewhere). She is very possessive of me and won't let ds sit next to me at dinner etc. If we force the issue, or try to reason, she just digs her heels in further.
While she is not like it all the time, you never know which dd will come out of her bedroom in the morning. I am beginning to resent the impact she is having on us all.
We spoke yesterday about getting her assessed, but she seems so 'together' when around others that I don't think they'd see anything wrong. But as I said, she acts out similarly with her cm (who she adores) so I don't think it's a home problem - although we are trying very hard to respond more effectively to her.
Is this normal? Has anyone experienced similar?
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3yo dd behaviour impacting family life
9 replies
Whatafustercluck · 07/09/2020 12:29
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