Surely ADHD is not a free pass/excuse for bad behaviour? I need to vent

[mama2yh]

So my sister’s kid is 13 years old. He was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago. He is literally out of control. I get anxious every time they come over to my house. He will break things, wind up my 9 years old who has ASD with developmental delay by calling him names, laugh at him, sticking a tongue out at him, purposely do thing’s to upset him and make him cry. He will draw my walls, put salt in my kettle, last time they came he literally took a whole box eggs and throw them behind my fridge, all while laughing, thinking its fun.

Now I get it as my son has ASD, communication delays, and learning disabilities so while my sons condition is different I have had my fair share with dealing with difficult behaviour but I do not tolerate bad behaviour in the name of anything. Surely having ADHD doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want?!

My sister seem to be oblivious of his behaviour and whatever he does gets “oh it’s because of his ADHD”. No punishment, no consequences, no correcting. Nothing.

Honestly I feel so worked up whenever they come over to the point im thinking of telling my sister, you know what, please don’t come over.

[CP2701]

Whilst all children may present differently with a condition, I do agree. I have a 15 year old girl with ADHD. She has never been violent or used bad language etc her whole life. She was diagnosed aged 6 and had full time support in school as she was quite high tarrif at that time although, never violent, as I say. She is now flourishing at school and is a well rounded individual, although she has issues with organisation, she has zero awareness of time etc and she can chat the ears off ye! She also hardly sleeps at all but is full of energy. She has coping strategies and is on track with all of her learning. She has always had bet firm boundaries. There is a difference between her 'chosen' behaviour and things that are outwith her control.

I have listened to people for years, some even friends of mine, who see their child having tantrums or hitting, swearing etc and say 'I think they have ADHD or something'. It has always really irked me as my child does have the condition and has never behaved like this! Some people will just look for a label to excuse bad behaviour, like you say.

As I already say, all children will present differently, so it will be normal for some to have the odd tantrum etc or a bit of aggression stemming from frustration etc. But to come to your house and behave had way is totally unacceptable to me. Is he medicated? How is he ever going to get a job etc if his mother just blames everything on his condition? I'm not sure how you can approach it with your sister. It sounds like she will probably have a difficult time of it at home with him as well. Possibly offer her support in the first instance and then take it from there?

[mama2yh]

@CP2701 Thank you for your reply. Yes he is medicated. I have tried helping by approaching my sister about it but she gets so defensive, angry, making you to look as if you just don't like his son to the point I have given up! But whenever they come over this is what I have to deal with especially the bullying my 9 year old (yes Im using the word bullying as calling him names, pushing him around, upsetting him to the point he starts crying - that is bullying) Im not sure how much I can tolerate. I don't want to fall out with my sister but I won't be able to tolerate his behaviour much longer.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

@mama2yh you seem to have got lost somewhere along the way.

It is not ok for anyone to bully your child. Ever. For any reason.

It is not ok for people to come into your house and trash it. Ever. For any reason.

If you accept that you have some choices. Either you and your sister will have to be far more proactive and interventionist when your nephew is at your house/with your son (no more sitting and chatting in one room whilst the boys play in another). Unacceptable behaviour to be intercepted and diverted consistently and immediately. If impulse control is a problem for your dn he may need a good deal of help finding positive outlets for his energy (maybe think about what he can do before he gets there).

Or see your sister only in out of your house settings (that will get rid of 50% of the tension straight away,) - with or without your son, and possibly without hers.

[Jannt86]

It's hard when it's your family but your own child deserves to be happy and not tormented in his own home. ADHD may cause your nephew's behaviour but it doesn't excuse it. If it was my child then at the very least I would be removing him away from your child. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect that when he's in your own home and I would be setting this expectation with your sister otherwise they're not welcome there... simple as. Your priority is your child in all this.