15mo won’t self feed - any tips?

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Eats like an absolute champ (big portions, not picky at all about flavours, lumps etc) but only if I feed him from a spoon. Will NOT pick up food and put it in his own mouth and won’t feed himself with a spoon even though he can (he does it occasionally just for fun). He was in foster care till 12mo and they never really tried with finger food as far as I can tell, so we’ve tended to blame that but it’s getting more worrying as time goes on (plus v restrictive on what and where we can eat).

I’d really appreciate any insight or tips for helping him with this. I am really reluctant to do the whole “either he feeds himself or he goes hungry” thing as he has such a good appetite and will be cranky AF if he’s hungry all the time, but I’d do it if people feel it’s the best way.

TIA

[CherryMaple]

We had a situation similar to this with DD1. We had a speech and language therapist come to the house and watch her eat. She recommended Pom bears because they just dissolve in the mouth so little effort required with the chewing, etc. They just melt in the mouth. That got her into picking up food. Have you spoken to your health visitor? They can do the SLT referral if it would help...?

[MeadowHay]

Definitely speak to your HV as first point of call if you're concerned about development, they will advise appropriately. How was their 12m review?

I wouldn't worry too much about this personally especially if you know they can do it. The ability to do it is the most important thing, no? They will learn by watching other people and gradually want to become more independent themselves.

Do they eat 'proper' solids, it's not clear from your OP? As you talk about lumps which to me sounds a bit like blended foods but with lumps. E.g. if you made a roast dinner would they eat pieces of meat, whole vegetables (well, cut up), etc but just only off a spoon that you feed? If they can eat solids properly too I wouldn't be worried really. Continue putting solid pieces, perhaps try with things that are easiest to pick up and self-feed on their highchair tray/plate and model the behaviour and continue to feed them as well. Are you eating with them to model behaviour? I'd probably forget about them feeding themself with cutlery for now - my DD is 15m and she can feed herself with a spoon things like yoghurt etc that are the right consistency but she can't manage other things yet, she just eats with her hands. Have you tried picking up the food and putting it to their mouth to eat rather than on a spoon? And I guess you have tried to put things in their hands although I wouldn't push that one, might stress them out if they're not keen.

[Harrysmummy246]

2.3 year old is still sketchy with cutlery, especially if it's food he really likes so wants to eat faster. We just give him a portion of what we're having, cooled and cut up to appropriate sizes, encourage cutlery use rather than hands and mostly let him get on with it, or occasionally re-model cutlery use/ load the fork etc.

I don't think we were pushing it at 15 mo to be honest, especially if he was eating anything so we could eat our own food!

[surreygirl1987]

@Harrysmummy246, I think the issue is more the fact that the baby can't self feed at all, even by hand, not that they can't use cutlery yet.

I have a 12 month old who does ear by hand well (but won't often let me use spoon!) and I would think just perseverance must be best. Hopefully one day when he's hungry he'll just take it! Are his fine motor skills good in general?

[BarbariansMum]

I'd meet him halfway. Give a smaller portion by spoon to take the edge off his ginger, then either give the spoon to him or offer finger foods. And try not to stress about it too much.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Thanks everyone. His12 month HV review was fine (done at 13 months actually) - she didn’t seem too worried because his pincer grip is fine and he was starting to use a spoon. But we’re two months later and no further on which is really stressing me out. And yes, I do try to model but not necessarily with every meal - I’ll start being more consistent.

I have tried putting the food in his mouth with my own hand but he dodges it. I am trying to give him some finger foods as well as spoon feeding at every meal but he just plays with it and throws it on the floor.

To the person who asked about lumps - I make things like cottage pie with good sized pieces of veg in it or fusilli pasta with sauce etc. So it’s not baby food - just spoonable (or forkable). So I don’t think it’s a problem with chewing. Oh and he has LOTS of teeth!. He does have a tongue tie but it’s never seemed to cause him a problem so he’s never been offered treatment.

I guess I just need to put together a plan for training him but I’m dreading it.

[BarbariansMum]

Oh goodness, dont dread it. It's hard when you're right on the coal face but really, in the grand scheme of things, it's a small issue and he will get there. He's getting to an age where the good eating is likely to morph into toddler fussiness anyway, the worst thing you can do is worry.

Is he your first? I used to feel like my first was an exam or test I had to pass. I can imagine that the pressure must be 1000 magnified with an adopted child.

[MeadowHay]

Why do you need a plan to train him? What would that even look like? Honestly, he sounds absolutely fine. Children all do things at their own pace. if his 12m review was fine then I really wouldn't be worrying. One thing that he might struggle with slightly is no big deal at all. He will get there. I wouldn't push it and just keep offering and keep eating with him to model behaviour. Eat with your hands a bit too if you're trying to get him to pick up food with his hands.

My DD is 15m and fully in the throes of toddler fussiness so on the flip side I would be happy to spoon feed if she was getting a good diet down her! I made a pasta salad for tea last night with pasta, Quorn chicken, green beans, avocado and asparagus. She tried pasta and wouldn't eat it (she does normally, think the herbs put her off), tried avocado and pulled a face like she was going to be sick lol and refused, and all she ate of it was Quorn chicken. She wouldn't even try the asparagus or green beans. My DD is also behind with her communication and her gross motor skills - the HV actually said she was behind at her review, not just me worrying about nothing. I don't mean to be cold but I do think sometimes when people worry they need to gain some perspective as well.

If you're concerned he is behind then your HV is first point of call, definitely give them a call and they will be able to advise.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

@BarbariansMum oh thank you for such an empathetic reply - I actually had a little cry. That was a very kind way of suggesting a bit of perspective . Yes he’s our first and yes adopting makes you feel so scrutinised (cos you are!), you’re always worrying that you’re getting it wrong and compounding the disadvantages he’s already had. Adopters have it constantly drummed into them that their children are likely to be delayed or have sen etc and it makes you so SO paranoid and hyper vigilant. I will try to chill out a bit and keep doing my best.