Limpet child

[Utka]

My daughter, aged 18 months, is going through a terribly clingy phase and it's driving me spare!

She is fine if we are on our own together (or with Daddy, although I am preferred to him at the moment!). But if we're in company (no matter how many other mums & toddlers), she is impossible - hanging onto my leg if I'm standing up, or trying to sit on my lap if I' sitting down. If I talk to someone she pulls at me to come away with her and play, throwing a tantrum or whinging, if I refuse (which I have been doing!) Going to playgroup is getting hard, and even a simple coffee morning with one other mum is difficult.

I have traditionally spent a lot of time with her (she is left quite regularly with my mum or mother-in-law, but doesnt' go to nursery). I love being hands on with her, but am now starting to think I've created a rod for my own back, as she finds it difficult to play on her own (she's a first child).

She's very mobile, and seems to have a very good ear for language, so she doesn't get too frustrated making herself understood. We have moved house twice in the last 6 months though (the second time within the same area), so maybe she's just unsettled.

My tactics so far have been to explain gently that mummy is talking / standing / sitting here, and that she is fine to go and play with whatever toy she has at the moment. I've also tried getting down on the floor and getting her started with the toy, and then withdrawing. I'm happy to stay in the same room as her - I'd just like to see her relax and occupy herself a bit!

Does anyone have any tips for how I might do things better?

[Rhubarb]

I asked for help on here a few months ago when my dd was just the same! I called her 'my shadow'. She would hide behind my leg all the time! Suddenly, playgroups that we had been going to since she was 6 months old became a huge threat to her and she just wanted to sit on my knee all the time, I couldn't go to the toilet or get myself a cup of tea without her screaming and crying. She too is very good at talking and listening, but it made no difference!

However she is 2 now and although she can still be very clingy and shy, she is not as bad. I can now get up and leave her and she will stay put until I get back - no hysterics. It is just a phase, believe me! I decided not to force her to do anything she didn't want to do, but I wasn't going to pick her up everytime she demanded me to either. This worked quite well. I think they just need to feel safe and secure.

Are you the primary carer? If she has a strong bond with you, it is normal for her to go through this phase. All you can do is be patient, I know it seems like she has changed forever, but she hasn't. It won't last.

[SueDonim]

I agree with you, Rhubarb. It is 'just a phase' that many children go through. My youngest has been the worst of my four and it is only in the last year, since she has been at school, that she will be left with anyone else. Maybe you just have to view it as a compliment, Utka, that your DD thinks you are the most marvellous person in the world and no substitutes will do!!

[Enid]

Don't push her, its just a phase (a long one though - ours lasted from 18 months to about 2.3!). She feels insecure and the only thing that will boost her confidence is to stay close to you. Try and arrange small playdates with one other child and mum at first until she's coping with that. Good luck!

[Utka]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think the idea of smaller playdates is a good one, and I'll try that one out asap. There's part of me that thinks she needs to get used to being apart from me, so I must persist, but perversly,perhaps more 1-1 time will help as she'll feel more secure in herself to branch out on her own.

[Rhubarb]

And she will branch out on her own! She sounds as if she is simply a quiet child. Mine also comes out of herself more in smaller, more relaxed groups. Noise and chaos is overwhelming for her. She has now made two little playmates who are just as quiet as her, so her mum and I meet up almost every week and it is wonderful to see my dd playing along with hers. Give her lots of reassurances and lots of love. It is not necessarily insecurity, I used to get quite upset when people suggested that to me, as if I had made my child insecure! It is just part of her personality. Be thankful that your child is quiet and loving, I would much rather have that than a little tearaway!

I know it is frustrating now when you feel you cannot do anything or go anywhere without her stuck to you like glue. But keep taking her to playgroups and do what you always do. She will finally come to realise that you are still there when she cannot see you, and that you are not going to run off and leave her. She will come round in her own time. Mine is much better now and she has just turned 2, so it didn't last that long!