Struggling with what to do....

[Lllally]

I'm not one for a public reach out, but I'm generally struggling with my 5 year old daughter. I'm the past year her life was shaken up...she got a baby brother, and she also started school. People told me that things would get easier and that she was acting out because of the change. But it's really not got any easier, and it's obviously affecting her as she grinds her teeth while sleeping. I have become the mum I don't want to be...I'm drained and have little patience and quite often shout....bear in mind I still go about 5 times before I melt down and shout. So what does my daughter do, and some parents may say that's children, but surely it should be constant! Everything is a fight, and a fight that results in a meltdown. I talk to a blank wall, everything goes in one ear and out the other. When I say please don't do something, she looks me in the eye and does it. It's as if everything I say has to be the polar opposite. But I'll know I've lost my threshold, so I'm mindful of that, but I've got to the point where I don't want to be around her, but at the same time thinking that cuts me up. This girl is my world and all I want is to enjoy life, but even the fun times she's turning into a fight. I'm tired, I work, I see her a couple of hours a day during the week and the time is always negative. It's breaking me, hence the post. Why does it have to be like this...everyday starts with whining and a fight, and ends in the same way...what am I doing wrong, help? I've tried so much, from taking things away to positive reinforcement/reward, neither have worked. I try to explain myself to her with regards to why I am saying a particular thing and the face I get that implies she's not listening. My daughter is very bright, an absolute angle at school, doing really well. She's great for everyone bar me and her dad. The things she's doing are not really bad just testing...I just want to scream at her "just do as your bloomin told!!!!!!!!" I either want to scream or cry or both. I know my day tomorrow will start with the brushing the teeth fight, followed by the polo shirt and tights fight/meltdown, followed by the fight of plaiting her hair (someone is passing nots in the school so I want to do this to prevent), followed by the breakfast fight (bear in mind I let her choose!!!), following by the coat argument....it will then be the same following pick up from the childminder....fight fight fight, going to bed being one of the worst. Take tonight, I was doing crafts with her till 7pm, asked her to tidy up and she doesn't. She then asks if she can have daddy's old phone (which doesn't work), I said she could share it with her brother as he's at that age where he likes phones. She was just like well I don't want to share it and had a meltdown...and I end up having a meltdown. I have failed to mention in this post the lip I get from this girl, it's hard to believe she's 5. This post has probably become more of a rant, real ease, but I'm lost...I've lost myself, I hate the mum I am, I want to have fun again, but it feels so impossible. I think she saw me deflated earlier as I said to her (wrongly so I know) that I just didn't want to be around her as she's draining me...she then tried to make me happy by eating her dinner! I've seen her now asleep and I look at her and the pang of guilt is eating me. How can I be a better mum, but at the same time rationalise with my daughter? X

[Lavenderdays]

You sound shattered op. I have a five year old, nothing officially diagnosed (doesn't quite tick all the boxes) but she does display challenging behaviour (not saying yours does) but I know how ongoing it can be especially with a baby in the mix (I have a baby and a teenager as well and it hard work.)
I find that with my 5 year old, tiredness has a lot to do with behaviour etc, so early bedtimes are good. My dd also tests boundaries, trying to exert a bit of control and is prone to tantrums. I find that giving limited choice i.e do you want to clean your teeth before you put your your pyjamas on or after, works quite well...and then you can say, "you said you would clean your teeth after...etc.) If I get angry, my 5 year old automatically gets angry so I try to stay firm but calm. I also try to give dd a bit of her own time...me with her on her own, your dd now needs to get used to sharing etc. so it would be good if you carved out a bit of time to take her out on her own. I know my dd feels that I give her little sister a lot of attention and me taking dd out on her own, is just a small but powerful way of letting her know that she is special to me, we call it 'x and mummy time' and I have done this with my older dc also. I'm not saying your dc doesn't get any attention but to most children negative attention is better than no attention. Children tend to be well behaved at school and then unleash their pent up emotions in a safe environment, i.e with you, this sounds usual. Try to focus on the positive things your dd does and praise her. Try to avoid perfectionism, none of us get things right all of the time and we all need a bit of 'me' time to re-energise etc. It's tricky, this parenting lark, I hope some others will come along shortly with some words of wisdom x