My nearly 5 year old and behavioural issues

[Hellohun]

My son is 5 soon and his behaviour is truly
worrying.

He’s had a complex life and his dad was absuive to me . We went into refuge when he was 8 months old and then the courts decided he’d have to have contact , so he’s been going alternate weekends. He has made some worrying disclosures recently which I don’t want to share online but let’s just say the contact doesn’t seem to of been positive or so he is saying.

We had two cats a few years ago when this behaviour started . He’d continually be nasty to them. He once wrapped the girl up in a quilt and kicked her. I was shocked and devastated . I tried everything - positive over little good things and taking things off him. I used time out and reflection . I’ve took technology away. Nothing had been working. Eventually I re homed the cats which broke my heart.

I had a baby who is now 8 months and the behaviour has started since he was born. They can’t be left alone together. He is trying to be physically nasty most days now to the youngest. I know it can be jealousy but it feels like there’s more to it.

He can be such a sweet little boy but there’s this underlying attention seeking and nasty behaviour. It’s so upsetting and I’m at loss at to what to do.

Why is he doing this and what can I do before things escalate further?

He’s currently upstairs for being nasty again to his brother and trying to hit him !!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I’m so sorry, I really don’t know on this one. If he’s made worrying disclosures, are you in the process of changing the contact to supervised contact? Have you spoken to Rights of Women?

Women’s Aid have some information on getting help for children who have lived with Domestic Abuse here OP. It does sound like he needs some additional support. Are the school aware of what he’s been through and your concerns?

[bumblebee39]

I'm going through some struggles with my 5 year old due to domestic violence,

They are putting a referral in for her to have some support/counselling/play therapy and also I am having a meeting with the school about how they can support her (and our family)

My kids have NC with their Dad and this will continue for as long as it can as he was head working my eldest when we were together (the 5 year old)

I have found that women's aid do not get back to me at the moment but have used every other service at my disposal to try and get the help she needs.

I am now reading up on therapeutic parenting and childhood PTSD (which is what I'm sure she has) and trying to find my own tools too. Also, the health visitor is going to work with me on a 1:1 basis about her behaviour I asked about parenting courses and was told that it was too generalised so would not necessarily help my family due to our different circumstances.

Could you try that?

I know it's so hard when they display negative behaviours but stay strong and keep asking for help. They don't offer it up, you have to push really hard unfortunately, but it is available you just need someone fighting your corner.

Just one professional working with you positively can make sooo much difference.

Good luck xx

[Hellohun]

Thanks everyone !

He made disclosures that he had been strangled so it’s worrying but obviously the ex is saying that I’m alienating and how it’s not true so essentially I have no evidence. It’s likely he will have to go back.

My ex is a diagnosed sociopath so I’m worried he’s mimicked some of these behaviours.

Police and SS both discharged the case as lack of evidence.

HV wasn’t bothered and said it’s probably just a phase ! GP didn’t seem too interested and just that it’s a phase !

Thanks xx

[Hellohun]

I will try women’s aid again but they don’t seem too interested.

I feel like I’m screaming in a room and no one even looks up

[bumblebee39]

That's what I got initially Hun I had to push really hard. Xx

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I would seriously talk to rights of wonen about getting the Child Arrangements order changed so that itceither takes place in a contact centre or ExDH doesn’t see him at all.

It’s going to be hard for him to heal if he’s still seeing an abusive parent.

[Hellohun]

Currently back at court but looks like they want him to go back to unsupervised !

It’s just constant , all day!

Thanks for your replies

Where shall I start first ? Healthvistior ? GP? Or DV ?

Thanks

[bumblebee39]

I often make calls to every possible service and make every possible enquiry I can think of by Monday lunchtime.

I try to give them the rest of the week to call me back...

Still rolls on week after week and don't get anywhere without making a fuss.,

It's a piss take exhausting but I don't mind wasting my minutes/credit on relentlessly irritating the hell out of everyone pushing for answers and referrals.

Finally making some progress.

I would not want to be my GP, health visitor, social worker or family law solicitor. I'm like a pit bull I get lock jaw and won't let go until the jobs done.

[Hellohun]

I totally agree this attitude is the best way forward!

No one seems to care !

I will ring round and see today but like you say half the issue is getting someone to listen.

The social said there was no risk of harm and threw it out so I won’t bother them again

[bumblebee39]

Push for a referral from the health visitor. Honestly I had to cry on mine to get anywhere and then shout at the social worker as well but I'm getting there... You can ask to speak to a different social worker and make a complaint about your treatment so far also.

I am fortunate they do not want my kids to see their dad at the moment but I know this is a grace period and he will be fighting me in the courts before long.

Get any free family legal advice you can, even if you are not entitled to legal aid (which you should be due to the DV even if not financially) you can still normally get some legal advice for free over the phone etc.

I know it's a battle Hun and I hear your pain, I know the struggle, but do not let them fail your family or your child.

Fight them even when you are exhausted. Do not let him or the bastards get you down. You've got this!

[missinghome123]

Hats off to you Hellohun and Bumblebee . You both sound like such strong women and amazing mums. Sorry if that sounds patronising but had to say something!

[bumblebee39]

Thanks @missinghome123