When will 3yo get used to new baby?

[Pansy0926]

DS1 adores three week old DS2. We were very careful to make sure he was prepared so he didn’t resent him or feel jealous...however the family dynamic has obviously still changed and instead he is taking it out on me and DH.

Today we both were pushed to our limit and had a breakdown. DH had to leave the house at one point to get some air and calm down and I had a dignified snotty, crying meltdown where I screamed “FK!” into the hallway cupboard.

DS1 seems to have changed from our mischievous little man into the type of child that used to make me say I never wanted a kid of my own. He was fine for the first week, and then suddenly he would say ‘no’ to everything, even if he meant yes. He would resist everything I told him to do just for the sake of being defiant. I would try to be light hearted about it and gently tell him to do as told...and get firmer until forced to resort to time out. This is when shit really hits the fan, to the point where I have recently resorted to bribery and ignoring bad behaviour even though I know it makes things worse....I can’t control him and the usual methods don’t work.

If he goes into time out, he will pee on floor, wipe snot on everything and spit on things. As I take him there, he will scratch and bite, spit on me, and wipe snot on me. He is a model child at nursery, behaves so well...it’s not that he has never done things like this - every kid has the odd tantrum ...but he has never ever done it all at once and so purposefully. I could count the number of times he has done it one one hand before now. Usually there would be a reason for bad behaviour - eg overtired, and he would still sincerely apologise after. Now he won’t even do that, and it’s all the time. He was always a good boy, only a handful on the odd occasion,

If I threaten to take his toys, he says he doesn’t care. When I do take them, he will sometimes not care and other times fly into a spitting etc tantrum.

He has no interest in sticker charts and rewards...he says he will eat his dinner for instance, if I tell him there will be a treat for it (normally not something we would do) but he doesn’t. He will take one bite, then demand the treat and start misbehaving when he doesn’t get it.

I feel so helpless. DH spends loads of one on one time with him when he isn’t at work. I am breastfeeding and DS2 seems to be constantly clusterfeeding so I haven’t really had much of a chance to hand him over to DH so I can spent time with DS1. But the few times I have managed to get some time, DS1 will not play along. I tell him we’re going to the park and he messes around instead of getting ready. If I try to take over and dress him he gets angry but then goes back to playing up. By the time we are ready to leave the house or start an activity, I am stressedand he is being a little st and won’t participate properly and DS2 (if DH hasn’t got him) starts crying. If I set up an activity at home, he mostly gets bored and throws it down after a while.

Nothing is working! It seems all I can do is struggle on and put up with it until he magically becomes himself again.

We will have the odd good day, and a nice half hour here and there where he will play with me or help me when I ask him...but mostly it’s shit. I am so relieved when he goes to bed, and yet so guilty. I want to spend time with my little boy but it’s like he’s been replaced with a terror.

The one thing I will say we are doing wrong is having less patience...it used to be if he took half an hour to get dressed, so be it. Now I give it five minutes and then, rather than ignoring him when he messes around, I start to hurry him, and eventually when he doesn’t listen, end up dressing him myself with a crying DS2 in one arm, barking out orders at him. And we are still somehow late for wherever we are headed.

[nowifi]

Didn't want to read and run. I don't have 2 kids but it sounds very hard and sounds like your ds is just adjusting. Maybe you just have to give him time? 3 weeks is still early days - good luck!