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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

worried my 3.8yr old is not making friends

26 replies

greedygreedyguzzler · 04/05/2007 20:15

my ds is 3.8 and has been going to his new nursery for 4 months now. he loves it but when he came home today he was telling me all about them playing in the hall and the fact that he didn't get picked by any of the other children to join in some game.
he has also told me in the past about someone not wanting to hold his hand and about a little boy sharing his sweets with other boys but not him.

it breaks my heart as he is the nicest, kindest little boy around. he has never hit or kicked anyone (which all the other lillte boys in his class seem to do). so i dont reaslly think he can stnd up for himself very well.
also he has a sister and so likes playing with girls much more than boys. most of the girls his age seem to only like playing with other girls so i am not sure they like him hanging around.

i know this probably sounds very daft, but i would hate to think he is going to end up as the kid that nobody wants to play with.

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Scanner · 04/05/2007 20:18

Oh please don't worry, I bet if you ask the staff they'll tell you he's fine. Children just don't have the social niceties that we have, so if the dont want to hold your hand they tell you. I bet he's been playing with the others lots, just hasn't mentioned it.

oops · 04/05/2007 20:24

Message withdrawn

edam · 04/05/2007 20:31

I wouldn't worry about the holding hands thing, yesterday ds refused to hold the hand of a girl he adores and walks to school with every day. Just not in a hand holding mood. And today another friend refused to hold ds's hand. They are all close friends, play with each other all the time, just that small children (ds is nearly four) are very direct when they don't feel like doing something at that precise moment!

He may well be not giving you a full picture of his day, just fits and starts. There have been parents posting here who have asked the teacher 'ds says he only plays on his own' and the teacher has fallen off their chair saying 'your ds is the most popular kid in the playground'. AND the poster has observed quietly and found it to be true! I think they tend to mention odd things, so if usually x plays with them and for some reason x doesn't want to play whatever game is in process on one occasion, they will say so, giving you an entirely false impression.

greedygreedyguzzler · 04/05/2007 20:36

thanks everyone! i feel a bit better already! ..........(still crying though!!!)...........could be my pg hormones though!

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carocaro · 04/05/2007 20:43

bless him, I am sure he is fine, DS1 aged 5 says this sometime about school, so I secretly went to school one day and watched him at breaktime through the trees and he was having a totally SPLENDID fun filled time with loadsa mates about! I think they just have off days like we all do and get hung up on something that happened with someone but all forgotten the next day. xx

sherbert · 04/05/2007 20:48

I had the same worries for DS1 when he was the same age. He is now five and seems to be making more and more friends at school, and is getting invited to parties etc. I think he knew that i was worried though and exagerated some issues. He once told me he often walked around in the playground and nobody wanted to play with him. I approached his teacher who said she hadnt noticed anything. When i mentioned this to him he agreed it wasnt a common event.

I also sent DS to stagecoach when he was 4 , i think that has helped his confidence

Malaleche · 04/05/2007 20:52

i used to ask DD1 who she had played with at nursery every day but stopped when i realised i was putting too much emphasis on it, she would tell me 'so and so didnt let me do such and such' or 'so and so isnt my friend any more'. Now we talk more about what she did, not who she did it with...

greedygreedyguzzler · 05/05/2007 08:56

think i might ask his teacher if she has noticed anything. they just keep telling me what a lovely sweet boy he is (which he is!) but i dont think that wins you many friends at that age, just makes all the adults go "Ah!"

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Dior · 05/05/2007 08:58

Message withdrawn

twotimestrouble · 05/05/2007 23:35

I'm really glad to see this thread. My DS1 is 3yrs 5months. He is such an outgoing little lad at home, full of fun and bright as a button. But he's v small for his age and seems timid outside of the home.

Most of the little boys his age are much bigger and far more boisterous. He is totally left out. It breaks my heart when he talks about his 'best friends', and I watch these boys ignore him totally and even push him away when he's trying to join in. He too likes playing with girls but they don't really want a boy hanging out with them. I REALLY REALLY worry about when he goes to big school.

I'm pleased to see he's not unique.

greedygreedyguzzler · 07/05/2007 09:02

twotimestrouble - your ds sounds very similar to mine. mine isnt small for his age, but apart from that they sound very similar.

i am glad that mine isnt boisterous and doesn't hit and fight like the other boys his age, but i feel like he is missing out at nursery and not making friends with the boys just because he is so gentle.
i wish my ds could meet yours!!

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rabbleraiser · 07/05/2007 09:09

Greedy, his inherent gentleness will ensure that he has plenty of friends in the future.

admylin · 07/05/2007 09:12

Sounds like my ds, he was very quiet and sensitive at that age.
Does your ds like his teacher at least? My ds didn't make friends with any kids at his first Kindergarden but he adored a teacher and he would just sit and have long talks with her never leaving her side so he was quite happy to go when she was there.
Ds didn't make a true best friend until he was nearly 6 at primary school.

greedygreedyguzzler · 07/05/2007 21:53

yes he loves his teachers! they think he is great too and always saying what a lovely oy he is! i think he spends a lot of time chatting to them! he does talk a lot! i think thats another problem actually cos he wants to have long conversations with the othe kids and i dont think they want to, they just want to play!

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twotimestrouble · 07/05/2007 23:01

GGG - I definitely wish our two could meet! I didn't say that my DS talks for Britain despite being so timid. They sound v alike.

greedygreedyguzzler · 08/05/2007 13:34

dont suppose you live in herts then?

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twotimestrouble · 08/05/2007 17:36

no Gloucestershire I'm afraid!

greedygreedyguzzler · 09/05/2007 18:43

my ds broke my heart again today by telling me all about his 'girlfriend' at nursery. he talks about her non stop, but then he said she is having a birthday party and no boys are allowed so he can't go. i felt so sorry for him, he just doesn't seem to want to play with the boys, but just follows the girls around. he isn't at all bothered by any of this, its just me by the way! but he is just so adorable it doesn't seem fair that he seems to get left out of things.

sorry, feeling a bit emotional today! must be my hormones!

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Bambiraptor · 09/05/2007 19:43

When I ask my 3.5yr old ds if he played with anyone at nursery he always replies 'No I just played by myself' in a glum voice.
However it is not true as I have spied on him several times and he plays with lots of people, and the staff say he is popular.
I think he must be exagerrating for some reason.
Maybe your son is doing the same and is actually fine. Try not to worry too much.

twotimestrouble · 09/05/2007 20:11

GGG - today my DS said his best friend at pre school was 'Abby'. He always says this and I asked him if she lets him play with her and he said 'no' she tells him to go away! Just like your experience, she had a party last week and he wasn't invited

mamma2kids · 09/05/2007 20:17

God its heartbreaking isn't it?
DS (4 in july) was like this 6mnths ago. Didn't want to go to nursery, said he had no friends. After a bit of probing it turned out that the other boys played Power Rangers and poor DS didn't know what they were on about (no sky, never seen it). I nipped out to Woolies and bought a DVD (and got Batman too just in case). It was like a light had gone on when he watched it. Thankfully he's never looked back (has now moved on to Spiderman and Dr Who).
This is obviously a very specific situation, but sometimes thats all it is.

greedygreedyguzzler · 09/05/2007 20:19

its heart breaking isn't it TTT? ( i like that you are ttt and i am ggg!)
i keep trying to get my ds to play with more boys cos i am sure they aren't as mean as girls verbally. girls at this age just want to play with other girls and talk 'princesses' and 'pink' don't they? i am probably making things worse with ds by quizzing him all the time, but i can't help it now. does your ds say he enjoys nursery?

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twotimestrouble · 10/05/2007 09:31

Actually, he loves pre-school. He seems blissfully unaware that he hasn't got friends. He had loads, but we moved here 6 months ago and try as I might, I can't get him to break into other groups of children. He always looks so crestfallen when other kids exclude him as he's such a friendly little lad. He so wants to join in and they just don't want him. I've tried taking him out with various groups but because he's small and quite gentle it juts doesn't seem to work.

M2K you made a good point. On one of the last occasions, he was pushed off a (little) bridge in the playpark by a strapping girl of the same age, who said he couldn't go with them because he wasn't a power ranger. I don't think he has a clue what a power ranger is. But he was so upset he talked about it for days.

It's so hard not to intervene (I would have loveed to shove that horrid girl off the bridge myself LOL).

greedygreedyguzzler · 10/05/2007 09:43

TTT - my ds loves nursery too! maybe we are worrying about nothing hey? if they are happy thats the main thing. when they start coming home crying and saying they dont want to go we should start worrying then!

what is it about power rangers hey? a similar thing happened to my dd about a year ago on a tractor at a farm! all the other kids said she couldn't go on cos she wasn't a power ranger!!! she didn't have a clue though cos she was only 1 yr at the time! kids can be so mean cant they???!!! i am sure i was NEVER like that!!!

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mamma2kids · 10/05/2007 12:48

Maybe they should give out power rangers info with bounty packs if you have a baby boy!

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