4 year old daughter with health problems and getting fed up with her behaviour!

[Ilovechocolate111]

My dd was born prematurely at 28 weeks and has a number of health issues with regards to her lungs. She has very delayed developmental skill and has the ability age of a 2 year old. She has microcepaly which is to do with her head.
Basically she is starting to make me ill! All she does if hit and cry and fight screams (she had 2 brothers ages 5 and 3). She hardly ever laughes. She loves male attention.
She has a ehcp (educatal health and care plan for school).
For the last 2 years I have really started to dislike her (I know that is horrid but I can not help it)
Me and my husband are always arguing about the way she is. It seems to be one rule for her and another for the boys.
She will not let anyone sit by her dad only shes aloud (if I seat to close she will hit me and tell me "I hate you. Go away it's MY DADDY) and if her brothers sit near her dad she will go and find a hard toy and hit them with it. Her dad will not discipline her where I will and then get into an argument with her dad. She can not walk properly and has to have pedro boot (still waiting for them) she g9es to school everyday till 1 which is a pain in the ass running backwards and forwards 6 times a day as I have other 2 kids to take and pick up at different times. I'm fed up of the school telling me shes hit someone or she's can't talk well enough or she will not walk or she's head butted a teacher. She has now started telling teachers mummy hit me in the neck (where she had a rash off a woolly jumper )
She rubbed soap in her eyes when her dad bathed her. She went to school and told her teacher I did it. She fell over at the park and told the same teacher mummy punched me on my knee. I am sick to death of all these lies!
I try to walk her home from school to help her foot work out but all she does in run i to the road or fall over or walks into tress and bushes.

Meal times.. well every good dam meal time is a night mare. She won't eat unless she has a cup full and she wont eat unless she's drank a gallons worth. She will stuff her mouth with food and just swallow it and choke. I have to constantly tell her to use her folk and not her fingers. And constantly tell her to slow down and not to try to put so much in her gob.! Every meal times her brother will sit as far away as possible as she will pinch their food or drink and leave her own till last. Her brothers have even started to tell her to use her folk. (I fell so sorry for the boys to put up with it and listen to it everyday)
She rocks like a frog at night, hv said it was masturbation (disgusting ) and it is a pain in the ass if you tell her to stop rocking she will scream for hours! She picks things up off the floor if we're shopping or atbthe park or outside and she will put it in her mouth. We have 2 chickens and a rabbit and she will eat their POO!!!
I am sick of going backwards and forwards to hospital for appointment. At least 2 a week!
I'm fed up of not spreading any time with my boys cuz I'm always having to tell her to stop or be nice. Sometimes I won't play with the boys just so they don't get hit or bit!
She is still in nappies as she doesn't get any feelings yet (school complaining about her being in nappies. I have tried to potty train her for 2 years and fuk all works.)

I really want her to grow up fast. I have no bond with her. I've asked for help but no one will help till she's 5. I have be told I have depression. I get no help off her father (my husband) he pisses me off more cuz he will contradict me. If I say no he will say yes to her but not the boys.
She has broken 3 beds in 1 year don't ask me how I have no idea how. She has broken every toy I have brought her. She has broken her chest of draws. She's broken our 50inch tv. Broke some of the boys toys. She kicked our chick and rabbit.
The list goes on.......

I need help! We got no family to support us as we don't get on. School don't care as long as their getting paid. Doctors said nothing till she's 5.!
I am getting to the stage of just walking away from her for good... She's making everyone's life a misery. I no your all going to say she's 4 shes got a lot to learn yet blah blah blah. And that I'm a horrid mother. heard it all before
I just want to no will it get easier if not how can I make ot easier!
Anyone else got a kids like this.
I really feel sorry for my boys they dred ask if there dad for help or to play and she will scream until she's got all his attention. I can not stand her anymore. All I ever talk about it her all we do it her. I can't cope! Help me before I lose my mind judge me. Don't judge me. I could care anymore

[theyoniwayisnorthwards]

I agree you urgently need help. Her behaviour is not unusual for four year old who might have developmental delay or additional needs. My kids who have no health issues, display some the behaviours you describe (tantrums, mealtimes a struggle, fighting for adult attention) and I often feel frustrated and overwhelmed but the feelings you are describing go way beyond that. I think you may be depressed but I would also worry about attachment issues and you do need to seek help to protect yourself and your little girl.
Some of the things you raise are concerning and make me worry about how your own issues and values are impacting the way you perceive her behaviour. Specifically "she likes male attention", if your husband has formed attachment bonds with her and you have not, that is why she is adamant about being near him and responds to his attention. If she has not had the opportunity to form attachment bonds with you then interaction with you could be frightening and overwhelming for her and she does't have the insight or vocabulary to express that, so she lashes out. Did you feel an attachment to her when she was a baby?
I am also concerned by what you say about the health visitor saying rocking is equivalent to masturbation. First off, it's NOT masturbation, it's a self soothing behaviour and entirely normal. Secondly, masturbation is not disgusting, it's normal and healthy from puberty on.
Doctors are under resourced and often understaffed. I think you need to push for an urgent referral for family therapy where you can be assessed as a family unit, attachment issues can be addressed and specific developmental issues for your daughter are more likely to be picked up. If your doctor will not make a referral, ask for a second opinion, insist on seeing someone with a qualification in psychologically or psychiatry, do not agree to see a health visitor. This needs to be escalated now because early intervention can make a hugely positive impact and this is not insurmountable.

[Ilovechocolate111]

Thank you for your reply and thank you for not judging. When I say male attention i mean male attention. We went to a party and she was all over the the children's fathers. She climbed on the laps and asked for kisses! I haven't never had a strong bond with my dd. I have asked over a million times for help from a doctor and all I get told is there is nothing they can do until she's 5.
I just feel so sad that as an adult who is suppose to be incharge has no control over their child. People look at me funny in the street when she's hitting and biting be brother in the pram! I have had people who have said to me. God your child is horrid. Why do you let her hit another child.. ! I'm a bad Mum for punishing her and a bad Mum for not.

[theyoniwayisnorthwards]

Still entirely normal that she would seek attention from males if her primary attachment is to her father. It’s like how kids who don’t see much of their fathers can be wary around men, she’s still very little and trying to make sense of what, for her, must be a very confusing world. I am sympathetic to what you are feeling, but at the end of the day you have power and agency over your life and relationships and your little girl does not. As a parent and an adult you have to put her needs before your own needs, that doesn’t mean giving her whatever she wants or letting her dictate the family routine. It means recognising that her feelings and experiences are more important than what other adults think or your feelings of embarrassment. It’s not too late to change the dynamic between you and it could have a massive impact on her behaviour and your ability to manage your own emotions and reactions. Go back to your GP. If he/she says “I can’t do anything until she is 5” you say “I am not here about her developmental issues, I am worried about her attachment and the family dynamic which is impacting all three of my children and I want a referral to CAHMS or a family therapist, urgently”. If the doctor says no, you say “I need a second opinion please, this can’t go on and I need professional input for my daughter”. If they still refuse you need to change GPs or pay for a private family therapist who will be able to give you a letter to bring back to your GP saying you need help. You may also want to consider reaching out to social services as they might be able to provide you with a family support worker who can work with you to identify triggers and make changes to your interactions with your daughter.

[Ilovechocolate111]

Thank you so much for the replies . I am very grateful.
I will be making an appointment tomoz to see my gp. I know it can't carry on so i will do as you say. I will pester the GPs tomoz. Thank you again x

[Booboostwo]

Neither your GP nor the school sound very supportive and I agree with the poster above you need help. Maybe try reposting in special needs, posters on there have a lot of experience with how the support system works and how to get the most out of it. Perhaps also print your post and take it to the GP to read.

It might be helpful to look at her behaviours one at a time and concentrate on the more important ones for you to deal with. This is my ranking of what matters and what does not, you may have a different ranking:

• cuddling up to her dad and blocking you off. Perfectly normal stage, a lot of DCs go through it, she will grow out of it. I would let he run get on with this without challenging her or at the very least ignore her.
  
• hugging other dads. Wonderful, she is a loving, tactile child. Praise this behaviors, say this is what we do, hugs and kisses, not hitting.
  
• eating habits. Let her eat with her hands, who cares, let her drink a glass of water. She is eating which is the positive thing to focus on. Do place her brothers away from her so she does not disturb them when eating, if this problem is solved so easily then accept the solution.
  
• potty training. It must be very frustrating to still be dealing with diapers but I think you need to let go of this one as well. She is only 4yo which is within the normal range for wearing diapers and she has developmental delays which may be affecting her ability to do this. I would stop potty training and leave her to find he own rhythms. If the school complain remind her they have a duty of care to all children and she will get to toilet training when she is ready.
  
• running home from school. Is she safe when she does this? If she is not safe use reins or similar to keep her safe. Don't engage too much with this behavior andmaybe find safe place where she can run.
  
• rocking, masturbating. If she's rocking, allow her to do this, it's a soothing technique. If she's masturbating, allow her to do this, it's perfectly normal. When she is a bit older you can teach her that masturbating is pleasant, normal but something we do in private.
  
• hitting and violence. This is the one to concentrate on with clear instructions and clear, immediate consequences, e.g. "We do not hit with toys because it hurts. If you hit again I am taking the toy away."
  

If you concentrate on the behaviours that really need controlling you may find that you are not at odds with her all the time and you can relax a bit which she feels she has more control over what she does. Stopping the truly unwanted behaviours may be easier then.

[Ilovechocolate111]

Thank you for your comment. I have made an appointment to see the gp next week so we'll see what they say. I asked for a different doctors though as I don't like the one I regularly see. X